


The New Boy

by philip_sheadenbeck



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Backstory, M/M, lukas pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 67,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8508340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philip_sheadenbeck/pseuds/philip_sheadenbeck
Summary: The six weeks leading up to the night in the cabin from Lukas's POV. Also some scenes from the episodes after that. I used the basic storyline James and Tyler came up with along with some of my own stuff.





	1. Week One

**Day One**

     There was someone new sitting in the seat by the window. The seat exactly one row in front of and three desks over from Lukas Waldenbeck’s own. The way the new kid was gazing out the window seemed to suggest he was either tired or unamused, possibly even both. His chin was propped up by his fist, his eyes dull and glossed over. Aside from the fact that there he was, a newcomer in Lukas’s economics class, the kid’s bomber jacket was what caught Lukas’s eye next as he slipped into his seat. The jacket was authentic in a way nothing in Tivoli really was. Simply looking at it filled Lukas with intrigue and odd inspiration. The patches on the jacket were a declaration that _I am bigger than this town_ , the kind of aura Lukas desperately wished he gave off too.

     “Class, I’d like you all to welcome Philip Shea to Tivoli.”

     He had a name. Of course, he had a name.

_Philip._

     Lukas tested out the name on his lips discretely and found he liked it. He watched as Philip snapped out of his haze, pressed his lips together, then gave the class a small nod before sinking back into his chair.

     The economic lesson for that day seemed to fade into the background as Lukas studied this new boy. It was like watching a gazelle carefully wander into foreign territory, skittish and unsure as it surveyed the unfamiliar place for lions. Philip glanced around the classroom, observing this new ecosystem of people. Once, twice, he made eye contact with Lukas. It lasted for only a second before Lukas quickly averted back to the teacher in front of the white board.

     At Philip's feet and next to his messenger bag was something else. This something was smaller, boxier, and sturdier. The black box was Velcroed shut and had a single black strap hooked to it so Philip could hang it off his shoulders. It looked like the type of thing that was used for carrying equipment of some kind, though Philip’s was only big enough to hold maybe a box of PopTarts. Lukas took note of it. Something inside him yearned to know what was in the box.

     The bell rang and Philip had slipped out of class quietly amidst the rustle of papers. Lukas chewed on his bottom lip briefly before gathering his things and leaving the room too. Rose found him immediately once he stepped into the hallway but whatever she was babbling about didn’t catch Lukas’s attention; what had was already gone.

 

**Day Two**

     Lukas squirmed in his seat. Philip hadn’t walked into their economics class yet and Lukas wasn’t quite sure why he cared so much about it. Just as their teacher was about to begin class, Philip appeared in the doorway. He paused for just a moment, obvious to the fact that he was barely on time, then made his way to his seat by the window. Lukas fought hard to keep his eyes off him and was only somewhat succeeding.

     The little box like thing Philip had with him the day before was now tucked into his messenger bag but the strap poked out and reached for the floor. Lukas wondered why Philip had hidden it then tugged his focus back to the front of the class.

     Neither of the boys spoke at all during the class period, but both of them had their own whirlwind of thoughts swirling inside them. Philip’s mom was mainly dominating his. Being away from her, not knowing if she was taking care of herself, was giving him anxiety. Was she really working towards getting clean? Did she eat breakfast this morning? Would anyone really report it if I went to see her?

     As he looked out the window his thoughts shifted.

Would I have enough time to get a Coke after school and still catch the bus? How far would it be to walk back if I missed it?

     One row behind and three seats to the left, Lukas’s eyes betrayed him as they snuck another look at Philip.

_Where is he from?_

     And more importantly, _why come here?_

     That night, Lukas stretched out in his bed and stared at the sloped ceiling above him. It was past time he should’ve fallen asleep but every time he tried something wouldn’t let him. Lukas huffed, put his arms under his head, and replayed the day’s events in his mind. Usually this ritual was enough to bore him back to sleep, but this time it didn’t.

     He was stuck on Philip Shea. It bugged him, confused him, and excited him in ways he’d never been before. Philip Shea was enticing, Philip Shea was an enigma, and for some reason Lukas couldn’t pick him out of his thoughts. Just knowing he would see Philip again the next day in class made his stomach drop.

     Lukas groaned loudly, rolling over to smother his face in his pillow. This couldn’t be happening to him. Lukas Waldenbeck was not ‘that guy’. He quickly pulled himself together. Nothing was happening. Lukas Waldenbeck was not even close to being ‘that guy’. There was, however, an underlying need to get to know Philip Shea just a little bit more and instead of fighting it, Lukas reminded himself that there was nothing inherently wrong with wanting to know a classmate.

 

**Day Five**

     It was a camera. Philip Shea’s mystery box contained a camera. Lukas watched near the entrance of the school as Philip had pulled out the camera and pointed it up into the branches of a tree. Rose bounded out of the school and tore away Lukas’s focus. He happily accepted the distraction. He could feel the eyes of the entire Red Hook student body on him, judging him, assuming things about him, while he had studied Philip and his camera. With Rose, at least there’d be nothing for everyone to assume. If anything, being with Rose solidified the fact that there _was_ nothing for anyone to assume. The eerie, almost daunting, feeling of the eyes faded as Lukas faked a smile and listened to how Rose was sure she failed her chemistry exam.

     The buses came around to the front of the school and opened their doors for students but Philip was still under the tree with his camera.

_Doesn’t he take the bus home?_

     Lukas forced himself to turn his attention back to Rose. It didn’t matter to him if Philip missed the bus or not. It wasn’t like Lukas could give him a ride if he did miss it.

_Well, I could…_

     “What are you looking at?” Rose snapped her fingers in front of his face then turned to look behind her where Lukas’s gaze seemed to be. “You’re all over the place today. Have you heard anything I’ve said?”

     Lukas swallowed hard and tried to fight off the blush that was rising to his cheeks. He shook his head free of thoughts then leaned in to place a chaste kiss on Rose’s lips.

     “Sorry,” he murmured. “I’ve got a race this weekend, I’ve been distracted.”

     Both parts of what he told her were true. He did have a race that weekend and he had been distracted but the two weren’t exactly correlated.

     “Give me a ride home?” She asked with a smile. Lukas nodded as she took his hand and started to pull him towards where his bike was parked in the lot.

     The buses let out a sigh of exhaust before snapping their doors shut and rolling towards the main street. Lukas stole a glance over his shoulder to see if Philip was still under the tree. He was.

_It’s not like I have room on my bike anyway…_

     Lukas handed Rose a helmet and watched as Philip packed away his camera, slung it over his shoulder, and headed to the convenience store across the street. Lukas thought it was an odd spot for one to go after school.

     “Come on,” Rose said lightly, straddling the bike.

     For yet another time that day, Philip Shea had wormed his way into Lukas’s head despite his efforts to keep him out, and for yet another time that day, Lukas took in a deep breath and cleared his mind. He needed to focus on the race the next day. He needed to focus on his girlfriend. He needed to focus on anything other than Philip Shea.

 

**Day Seven**

     Lukas had done well enough in the race that weekend to keep his sponsors, but he hadn’t done as well as he’d planned and as a result he didn’t gain any new sponsors either. That, and the fact that Philip hadn’t left his head all weekend, frustrated him. He was determined to find a way to recenter his life while also carefully learning more about his new classmate. The idea of how to do so came to him in the middle of dinner with his dad that night.

_Philip could record my races. I could post them on YouTube or something and get more sponsors..._

_I could see Philip._

     Instantly, he cleared his throat and blurted out something about the upcoming turkey shoot next month. His dad looked up from the corn and chicken on his plate. Lukas’s face reddened. His heart was racing faster than he ever had.

_He knows._

     “You need to get started on those signs,” his dad said gruffly. “If you don’t start soon, you’ll get behind like last year.”

     Lukas reminded himself to breathe and managed a small nod. He quickly shoveled the last of the food on his plate into his mouth before excusing himself.

     “You better be coming back down to do these dishes!” His dad called while Lukas was halfway up the stairs.

     “Sure, Dad.”


	2. Week Two: part one

**Day Eight**

     Wanting to talk to Philip was one thing, but getting the nerve to do something about it was something else entirely. Lukas was desperate to make sure it didn’t seem too forced or over analyzed, but he couldn't figure out how to do that. Talking about photography would be too risky, it implied that Lukas had stared at Philip long enough to notice he carried around a camera and that he knew anything about photography. Not only that, but If someone overheard it they might’ve remembered Lukas watching as Philip took pictures of the leaves that day after class.

_Not photography._

     Economics was a safe bet, seeing as they were both in the class, but Lukas hadn’t been paying as much attention to the lectures recently as he should've been. If Philip asked about anything they’d been learning, Lukas wouldn’t know the answer. He scolded himself for taking away that opportunity.

_Damn it._

     With no particular plan, Lukas headed straight to the convenience store once his last class got out. Once he parked the bike behind the store in case she happened to look across the street, he shot a fast text to Rose with an excuse as to why he wouldn’t be able to give her a ride.

     The possibility of Philip going to the store after class two days in a row was slim and that was part of the reason Lukas went. The reality that he probably wouldn't show comforted Lukas, it gave him more time to come up with a better plan, however there was still a rather big part of him that wanted Philip to show even if that meant he'd have to muster up a bunch of courage to go talk to him. 

_If he shows, I’ll say something to him. If not... maybe next time._

     He headed towards the back wall where the refrigerated drinks were and browsed the bottles. Lukas had just grabbed a water when the bell above the door chimed. He instantly turned to see who walked in.

_Philip._

     Wearing his patch riddled jacket with both the messenger bag and camera hanging by his hip, Philip paused at the front of the store. He quickly scanned the store for wherever he could find the batteries he needed. Lukas took in a short breath and dropped his head, quickly closing the door to the refrigerator. When he allowed himself to pull up his gaze, Philip was looking back at him. Lukas’s stomach jumped into his throat.

     Philip gave him a small smile. If he had been back in the city, maybe he would’ve even said hi to the cute blonde boy. He wasn’t, though, and the atmosphere in Tivoli was drastically different when it came to most things, but especially when it came to boys who like to kiss other boys.

Lukas fiddled with the bottle in his hands.

    _Say something._

     Philip had already looked away and was walking to the opposite side of the store. Lukas was sure it would’ve looked weird if he had followed him and tried to strike up a conversation at that point, so he dug in his pocket for his wallet and checked out without a second glance at Philip.

 

**Day Nine**

     “But I thought you couldn’t hang out yesterday,” Rose pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. Her hands were in Lukas’s back pockets as they stood out by the front of the school.

     “Uh, yesterday-yeah, my dad wanted me back to help with the turkeys.” Lukas feigned a frown. “Today I have to stay after for tutoring. You know how my dad is, no A’s, no motocross.” He pulled her into his chest and kissed her forehead. “I’ll come by your house later, promise.”

     Rose smiled. “You better.” She quickly pressed her lips to his before heading towards the buses.

     As soon as the buses pulled away from the school, Lukas left for the convenience store. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance Philip would come back again. He felt more confident this time around after having spent the day talking himself down, assuring himself that it wasn’t any different from talking to Rose, or Tommy, or anyone else for that matter. Philip Shea was just another classmate.

     Philip was already at the convenience store, looking at the candy bars sitting proudly in the first of the two aisles. His back was facing Lukas. The jacket was absent but the camera and messenger bag weren’t. Carefully, Lukas walked up next to him and grabbed the first piece of chocolate that he saw.

_Fuck, I hate Mounds. Whatever... can't put it back now._

     He looked over at Philip, took in a breath, then blurted, “you’re Philip, right?” The sound of Lukas's voice startled Philip who had been deeply focused on remembering what kind of candy his mom liked best.

     “Oh, uh yeah,” he chuckled nervously. “Hey.”

     Heat rushed into Lukas’s face. He sucked in his lips.

_Now what?_

     “Er, I noticed you have a camera,” Lukas pointed lamely to the black box at Philip’s hip. “And I was wondering if you’d want to shoot some footage or something for me.” He watched Philip’s face anxiously, analyzing it for any clue that he was being too forward or awkward. His eyes flickered to the cashier at the front of the store but the cashier was busy watching the square television by the cash register. Why did he feel the eyes on him again?

     Philip blinked.

_Shit._

     “I, uh, I race.” Lukas said quickly. “You know, like motocross. I thought, if you wanted, you could shoot some stuff that I could put up on YouTube or something for my sponsors.”

     “Now?” Philip asked.

     Lukas licked his lips and toyed with the Mounds bar. “Uh, sure. If you want.”

     “Okay, yeah.” Philip nodded slowly then looked down at his camera. “If you want video, though, I’d have to use my phone. My camera’s kinda cheap and doesn’t do videos as well as pictures anymore. My phone’ll work better.”

     “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.” The corner of Lukas's mouth turned up into a lopsided smile. “Cool, thanks.” He held up the Mounds bar and shook it a little as if Philip couldn't already see it. “I’m gonna pay and then I’ll meet you outside? We can take my bike to the jump site.”

   

     When Philip found Lukas in the parking lot and approached the bike, a wide grin spread across his face.

     “This is a pretty nice bike.”

     He took the helmet from Lukas and pulled it over his head with only slight difficulty.

     “Thanks.” Lukas said, tugging on his own helmet. “Are you into motocross?”

     Philip paused. Lukas’s eyes were eager as he waited for an answer. Philip couldn’t bring himself to tell this cute boy the truth that no, in fact he hadn’t ever paid any attention to motocross at all. He chewed on the inside of his cheek.

     “Yeah,” Philip lied, "it's neat." He was grateful the helmet hid the shameful blush creeping into his cheeks.

     Lukas nodded his approval then swung his leg over the bike. He looked at Philip who was still standing, clearly unsure, next him.

     “Come on,” he laughed.

     Philip took in a bracing breath then mounted the bike. Instinctively, he put his hands on Lukas’s waist before coming to his senses and yanking them away as fast as he could. He didn't know where Tivoli stood when it came to two boys on a motorcycle. Would they care if he held onto Lukas? Would Lukas care? If he did, how did he expect Philip to not fly off?

     “Sorry, I-uh-”

     “Oh! Uh, yeah, you should probably hold on.” Lukas said. “I can’t guarantee you won’t fall off the back if you don’t.” As he started the bike, Philip’s hands found his waist again. Lukas hadn’t had anyone on the bike with him except Rose in a long time and Philip's hands were so obviously not hers.

     Each time they reached a turn in the road, Philip clutched at Lukas’s sides until he got used to the feel of the bike and eased up. When they got to the Waldenbeck property and started to go offroad, Philip’s grip tightened. Lukas tried not to focus on how different it felt from when Rose held onto him.

  _A good different._

     

     Once they reached the jump site, the boys didn’t talk much at all. A few jittery smiles were exchanged in between jumps, but that was all aside from a thumbs up from Philip which meant he was recording. Lukas being on the bike didn’t allow either of them much time to initiate a conversation.

     Philip recorded until he ran out of storage on his phone. He moved on to snap a couple of mid air pictures on his camera until he noticed a text from Gabe reminding him about dinner in half an hour. Gabe and Helen had been fairly decent to him so far, better than many other foster parents, and Philip figured the least he could do in return was show up for dinner.

     He waved at Lukas, signalling him to call it quits. Lukas drove up to where Philip was standing on the side of the jump site and yanked off his helmet.

     “Did it look good?”

     Philip nodded. “Yeah, yeah, it was awesome. I’ll upload it to my computer tonight and send you the file.”

     Lukas scratched the back of his neck. “There’s, uh, there’s beer in my dad’s cabin if you wanted to stay longer. It’s not far from here and he hardly uses it anymore.” His heart was beating incredibly fast. Lukas told himself it was from the jumps.

     “Actually, I kinda have to be back soon. Family dinners are a big thing, I guess.” Philip saw the disappointment flash across Lukas’s face for just a split second before he covered it with a half hearted smile.

     “Oh. Okay, that's fine, I-”

     “Tomorrow?” Philip asked hopefully.

     Lukas nodded. A more genuine smile played at his lips. “Tomorrow.”

     “Do you, uh, do you want my number?” Philip cleared his throat. “So I can send you the link?”

     “Yeah, yeah. That’d work.” Lukas handed him his phone and bit down on his lip as Philip typed his number.

 

**Day Ten**

     When Philip showed up at Lukas’s locker after class, Lukas’s skin began to crawl and itch again with the unpleasant feeling of being watched. He quickly glanced around the hall to see if anyone was looking at them. No one was.

     “Hey,” Philip said hesitantly, sensing Lukas's paranoia. “Did you want to shoot again today after school or some other time?”

     Lukas swallowed hard. Even though there was nothing suspicious or immoral about two boys talking at a locker, Lukas couldn’t help but feel like he was engaging in something forbidden and that everyone around him could see his bright red sin. When the warning bell sounded above them, he jumped.

     Philip eyed him. “You okay?”

     “Yeah.” Lukas shook it off. “Yeah, uh I told Rose I’d hang out with her a little after school so can we shoot around four?”

     “Sure. Who’s Rose?”

     Lukas pressed his lips together. “My girlfriend.”

     “Oh.”

     “Uh, do you need a ride to the jump site or do you think you could find it if I sent you the location?”

     Students were beginning to head to their next class, murmuring and talking innocently to each other as they passed by. Lukas’s ears perked up.

_They know. They’re talking about us._

     Philip’s voice brought him back to reality, but only just.

     “If you send me where to go I can probably find it,” he was saying. “I got a bike. I didn’t really need one before but here it’s pretty nice to have.”

     Lukas nodded again then mumbled something about seeing him later before hurrying to class.

 

     The boys only ended up shooting footage for twenty minutes before Lukas claimed he needed a beer break. Really all he needed was a chance to talk to Philip a little more.

     “We have a bit of a limited selection,” Lukas said as he opened the mini fridge in his dad’s cabin. “My dad hardly comes here anymore so he doesn’t restock his beer that often.” He handed Philip a bottle.

     “I haven’t gotten drunk in a while,” Philip said with a nervous smile. He checked his phone for the time. “You think it’ll wear off by the time I have to go back?”

     Lukas shrugged. “Probably.” He reached into the back of the fridge and grabbed the single can hidden among the bottles. “You ever shotgun a beer before?”

     “Not exactly.” A grin spread across Lukas’s face. “Want to learn?” He shut the fridge and sat next to Philip on the makeshift bed by the window. Philip watched as he held the beer sideways, punctured a hole near the end of the can with his key, then handed the can to Philip.

     “You’re gonna want to put your mouth on it first then tip it up,” Lukas instructed, mimicking the movement. “Then you just open the top and chug.”

     Philip shot him a skeptical look before putting his lips over the punctured beer can, tilting it back, and popping it open. Beer sprayed everywhere. Lukas lept from his seat but couldn’t contain his laughter.

     “Shit dude!”

      Philip had trouble suppressing his own laughter and drinking at the same time so he quickly handed the can to Lukas who finished it off with a smile. Beer dribbled down both their chins. Lukas tossed the empty can towards the trash at the other side of the cabin.

     “You’ve gotta work on that,” he said, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

     “You didn’t tell me it was going to feel like I’m being drowned!” Philip laughed.

     Lukas looked around at the mess. A sizable puddle of beer was by his feet and the blankets on the bed had also been splattered. He threw a rag over the puddle then grabbed a bottle of whiskey off a shelf. “This’ll get us drunk faster and my dad won’t notice as much. He’s more of a beer guy.”

     “What about the uh-” Philip gestured to the blankets.

     “It’ll evaporate.”

     Philip looked down at his soaked shirt. “Do you have a shirt I could borrow? I’ll give it back, I just don’t think Gabe and Helen would like it if I came back reeking of alcohol.”

     “Helen the sheriff?” Lukas asked as he wandered over to the small closet in the cabin. He pulled out one of his dad’s old flannels and tossed it over to Philip.

     “Yeah…” Philip hesitated, deciding whether or not to continue his story. “They’re, uh, my foster parents.” He reached behind his head to pull off his shirt. Lukas blinked twice then unscrewed the cap from the whiskey and took two long shots.

_Stop staring._

     By the time he lowered the bottle, Philip had on the flannel.

     “Where are your real parents?” Lukas asked before suddenly realizing how badly it sounded. “Sorry-I-I didn’t mean it like that-”

     Philip reached for the whiskey. “I’m going to need a few shots before we get to the deep stuff,” he joked.

     

     It didn’t take long for the alcohol to take effect. Lukas was lying on the floor next to the bed while Philip was slouched against it, his legs an inch from Lukas's head. He watched the tiny ceiling fan above them rotate, leaving behind a soft whir. 

     “My mom’s in the city.” Philip said slowly, trying to make sure his words came out right. His lips had gone numb.

     “Huh?”

     “She, uh, she has a bit of a drug problem.” Philip lazily reached for the half empty bottle. Lukas pushed it towards him. “I can’t stay with her while she’s getting clean.”

     “You’re staying with Gabe and Helen then?”

     He nodded. “They’re nice. They got me the bike.”

     Lukas wanted to ask if he’d ever stayed with a family that wasn’t nice but he didn’t. Instead, he turned his head to face Philip. His eyes were closed as he cradled the whiskey in his lap. The sun was shining straight through the window making him hard to look at, but the curls of his hair were outlined by the light. Lukas’s fingers ached with the need to touch him.

_I shouldn’t be wanting this._

     As if the universe knew Lukas was doing something he shouldn't be, his phone started to vibrate angrily in his pocket. It was his dad.

_Fuck. He knows._

     A wave of panic hit him as Lukas stumbled outside to take the call. 

     “Hiya, Dad.” Horrified at how slurred his voice sounded, Lukas tried to slap some sobriety into his cheeks.

     “Where are you?” His dad said, clearly irritated. “Did I not tell you to clean the coop yesterday?”

     “No, uh, you did. Sorry-I’ve just been... practicing for the next race.” Lukas winced at how unconvincing it was. “I’ll-I’ll be home soon.” On the other end of the phone his dad sighed loudly.

     “Why do you have to be so difficult?”

     “I said I’m sorry.”

     The line went dead. Lukas ran a hand through his hair anxiously. He needed to pull himself together enough to get home and clean the coop but his head was spinning too fast for him to spool it back together.

     Philip had crawled on top of the bed and was snoring softly when Lukas walked back inside. Lukas paused, unable to bring himself to disturb Philip. He had to go home but everything inside him begged him to stay and admire how peacefully Philip slept.

_Just one more minute._

_Maybe I’ll sober up a little more, too._

_Just a...just another minute._

     Against his better judgement, Lukas stayed put in the doorway. Philip’s foot twitched under the blanket, catching Lukas’s attention. He rubbed his lips together and watched the rhythmic way Philip’s chest rose and fell. Philip’s mouth was parted barely. Lukas wondered if he would taste like whiskey.

_Stop._

     His eyes traveled to where the flannel was pulled taut across Philip’s chest, showing off a part of his collarbone.

_Fuck._

     Lukas snapped out of his trance and scribbled a note to Philip then tugged on his helmet. He fought through the muggy intoxication as he managed to make his way back to the barn on the bike. By the time Lukas had finished his chore and returned to the cabin, Philip was gone and Lukas’s heart sank more than he would’ve cared to admit.


	3. Week Two: part two

**Day Eleven**

     After finding out that Lukas still hadn’t started on the signs for the upcoming turkey shoot, Bo made it clear that Lukas wasn’t allowed to linger around after school until he had at least completed a handful of them. Lukas tried reasoning with him, (“it’s over a month away, Dad!”) but Bo, who fully remembered the rush they were in last season when his son had failed to produce enough signs on time, wasn’t persuaded.

     Lukas shook off Rose earlier than he usually did so he could get to economics before the warning bell to make sure Philip was still there. The heavy drinking made the day before seem hazy and dream-like when he looked back at it and the fact that Philip hadn’t been there when Lukas returned from cleaning the coop also seemed to support his theory that maybe none of it really happened at all. Maybe Lukas had simply gotten too drunk on his own and imagined Philip was with him. He’d had a few goes by himself where he’d fantasized something-or someone-so intensely that, with the help of the alcohol, it seemed real. Though, whenever that happened it was mostly images of his mom that he conjured up. Once it was Rose.

     However, there he was, sitting at his seat as real as could be. Lukas took a precautionary glance around the class to make sure no one else was in the room yet, then approached Philip’s desk.

     He cleared his throat.

     “Hey.”

     Philip turned to face Lukas, his lips still pursed from when he was gazing out the window thinking about what had happened with Lukas the day before.

_What’s he getting at? Is he interested in me or am I just overthinking and hopeful?_

     “Hi.”

     “I meant to text you,” Lukas said, scratching his temple, “to see if you, uh, you know, made it home yesterday.” He took another quick glance around. Two more people had come in and taken their seats.

_Did they hear that? Did it sound gay? God, I should’ve just texted this._

     Philip nodded, a small smile on his lips. “Yeah, I managed.”

     “Cool.” Lukas chewed on the inside of his cheek, dipped his head and headed back to his desk.

     He struggled to keep his eyes on their teacher during the class period. Lukas could feel Philip’s eyes occasionally wandering over towards him and it took everything inside him to keep from meeting his gaze. He caved in once then immediately felt guilty for it and escaped as soon as the bell released them.

 

There was a small knock on the Waldenbeck’s front door, shortly after Lukas had finished six turkey signs, and he couldn’t help picturing Philip on the other side of it. His heart fluttered involuntarily as he rushed to answer it.

     “Hey!” Rose said cheerfully when Lukas opened the door. “You didn’t answer my texts so I thought I’d swing by.”

     He took in a deep breath and tried to mask the disappointment on his face.

     "Oh. I was in the barn working on the signs for the shoot.” Lukas stepped aside so she could come in. “Did you need something or-”

     Rose cut him off with a kiss, throwing her arms around his neck. “I needed to see my boyfriend.” She pulled away and furrowed her eyebrows. “Is now a bad time?”

     Lukas quickly shook his head.

     “Good.”

     She pulled him towards the couch and flipped on their tv, clicking through the channels until she found something she liked. Lukas plopped down next to her, draping his arm over her shoulders and pretending to be interested in both Rose and the show.

     Rose snuggled into Lukas. He could smell the floral scent of her shampoo when she rested her head under his chin.

_This is what I should want._

     Lukas pressed his lips to the top of her head and focused on the feel of her body against his, trying to force himself to feel the desire he felt while watching Philip sleep in the cabin.

_Fuck. Why isn't this isn’t working?_

 

Later that night, long after Rose left and Bo had fallen asleep, Lukas sat in his bed with his back against the headboard. He flicked on his lamp and ran a thumb over the picture he had fished out of his nightstand; a picture of him and his mom.

     He had only been around the age of four when it was taken. In the picture, he was in a bright red bathing suit and perched on his mom’s hip. Inflatable floaties were on each of his arms, a white line of zinc coated his nose, and his shockingly blonde hair was whipped into the air. His mom’s curls were strewn every which way, but a wide smile took over her face. It was the kind of smile that, if she hadn’t have been wearing sunglasses, would’ve shown in her eyes. Lukas sometimes wished he could reach into the picture and take them off so he could see for himself the way her eyes must’ve lit up to accompany a smile like that.

     The memory of the day captured in the picture had slipped from Lukas’s mind. Sometimes, if he stared at it long enough, he thought he could remember snippets like the smell of salt water or the sound of the wind in his ears. However, most of the time, he was just looking at an empty picture.

_I wish you were here, Mom._

     She had always been easier to talk to than his dad. Whenever he was picked on in school or broke something on accident, it was always his mom that he went to. She wasn’t a pushover exactly, she definitely had a hand in punishing Lukas a few times, she just seemed to possess a certain quality that made people want to open up to her. She had a sort of soft yet sturdy way of handling conflicts and secrets. This is what Lukas remembered about her and as long as he didn’t forget that part of her, he didn’t care much whether he remembered a day at a beach or a time they made cookies because he remembered the most important things. He remembered  _her_.

_I need to know what to do about Philip._

_I think I want him, Mom. The way I’m supposed to want Rose._

_Dad’s never going to speak to me again if he finds out, no one’s going to speak to me again if they find out, and my sponsors will find some other less complicated guy and I’ll never get out of this shit town-_

     Lukas didn’t notice he was crying until a tear fell onto the picture, landing just below his thumb. He angrily wiped at his cheeks.

_Stop being a little bitch._

     He shoved the picture back into his nightstand, turned off the lamp, then threw himself back under the sheet.

_I can’t be that guy._

_I won’t be that guy._

 

**Day Twelve**

Lukas skipped economics and opted for sitting on the rooftop of the school instead. Despite the obvious height danger, the rooftop seemed the safer of the two somehow. At least on the rooftop he wouldn’t be tempted by Philip. If he was lucky, maybe a large gust of wind would blow him over the side and he wouldn’t have to worry about any of it ever again.

_Yeah, but then I’d have a whole other set of problems._

     Half an hour after economics class had started, Lukas’s phone vibrated. It was Philip. Lukas’s stomach felt like it was hurdling towards his toes.

_'where are you? we have a test monday. want to study together @ cabin??'_

     Without replying, Lukas tucked his phone back in his pocket before his fingers could betray him and type ‘yes’. He kept his eyes on the horizon, above the line of shabby buildings. Motocross was his ticket out of Tivoli but Lukas was worried the town wouldn’t keep the feelings Philip stirred up. He had a hunch they’d follow him and continue to haunt him wherever he went.

_Maybe the solution isn’t to run away at all._

_You can’t fight a demon you refuse to look at._

     Lukas took in a breath until he thought he might be able to float away with it then pulled out his phone again. He typed very slowly,

_'slept in too late. we can study tonight.'_

     then hit send before his brain could interfere with common sense.

 

     The sound of Philip’s bike clattering to the ground outside the cabin was enough to shoot adrenaline through Lukas’s veins. He hurried to grab his economics book from his backpack and sit casually on the bed before Philip walked in.

     “Hey, sleeping beauty,” Philip joked, setting his messenger bag down at the foot of the bed. “You ready to study or are you gonna fall asleep on me?”

     Heat rushed to Lukas’s cheeks as he pictured himself falling asleep on Philip’s chest.

_Stop._

     “You’re the one who fell asleep last time!”

     Philip grinned. Lukas gulped and fumbled for the flashcards in his backpack. He quickly pulled one from the stack he made an hour prior.

     “Define law of demand.”

     Philip sat a foot away from Lukas but somehow it felt farther. He pulled up his legs and chewed on his lip.

     “Uh, something about supply and demand,” he said. “Do you have a radio in here? I study better with music.”

     Lukas nodded and reached under the bed until he felt the radio his dad sometimes took with him when he went fishing. He dusted the top of it with his hand then handed it to Philip. He watched as Philip fiddled with the buttons and dials until he found the single station that wasn’t static.

     “It had to be country,” Philip said through gritted teeth. He sighed and set the radio on the floor. “It might even be better if we just keep it off.”

     “You got a thing against country?”

     “You got a thing _for_ country?”

     “No!” Lukas scoffed. “Well, I don’t know. It doesn’t make my ears bleed.”

     A corner of Philip’s mouth turned upwards into a hint of a smile before he said, “what do you listen to then?”

     Lukas shrugged. “Lots of stuff.” He pulled another flashcard from the deck. When he looked up from the writing on the card, Philip had his camera pointed directly at him. The shutter made a soft click.

     “Sorry,” Philip said, tucking the camera back into his messenger bag. “The lighting was really good.”

     Lukas sucked on his bottom lip and fought back a smile.

     “You’re an awful study partner.”

     Philip laughed. It made Lukas’s insides lurch. He’d stay in Tivoli if it meant he could hear Philip’s laugh every day.

     Suddenly, fingers grazed Lukas’s knuckles for just a moment as Philip took the cards from his hands. His heart rate jumped as the sensation lingered on his skin.

_Stop thinking about it._

     Lukas swallowed hard.

     “Price ceiling,” Philip said.

 

**Day Thirteen**

That Saturday, Lukas slept in late. Even after he woke, he lulled around in his bed for another hour until his dad finally came in and demanded help with something in the barn. Saturdays were work days in the Waldenbeck family. Granted they worked every day, but Saturdays were the days when Bo and Lukas worked silently together on various forgotten or procrastinated tasks around the property until the sun went down. Then, at the end of the day, they’d drive the half an hour it took to get good city style pizza.

     The tasks on the list for that Saturday were fairly simple: clean out the gutters, fix the leak above the kitchen, carry the remaining boxes from the attic to the shed. A few other smaller tasks were on the list too, but Lukas looked past them. He was eager to get to work and clear his mind, but his bed seemed to envelope him whole that morning.

     He put his all into each task his dad gave him, but nothing completely cleared his head. There was always that little spot, a little smudge on his thoughts, that he couldn’t get rid of. That smudge was Philip Shea. It was like pulling a weed that had stubbornly rooted itself in the dirt. Philip Shea had rooted himself in Lukas’s thoughts.

     Twice his phone buzzed with texts but it was always Rose. For a second Lukas considered offering to hang out with her Sunday, as if it would get his mind straight, but he quickly dismissed the thought. Whenever he was around her recently all he thought about was how different things were with Philip.

     By the time the sun finally started to duck below the tree line, Lukas was exhausted, physically and mentally. Even his dad noticed how sluggish Lukas was acting and allowed them to quit an hour early. The gutters could wait until next Saturday. As they passed the high school on the way to get pizza, Lukas found himself looking at the convenience store out the opposite window.

_What would things be like if I hadn’t ever said anything to Philip?_

 

**Day Fourteen**

There were still two hundred and fifty four turkey signs that needed to be made before the day of the shoot. Lukas had successfully made six and reluctantly started working on them again on Sunday. He tucked his earbuds into his ears, turned his music all the way up, then went to work. It was the first time in a while that he fully tuned out and was able to simply exist for a few hours while his hands went through the motions required to make the signs.

     “Getting hungry for lunch?”

     Lukas yanked his headphones out and looked up to where his dad was standing at the front of the barn.

     “Huh?”

      “You’ve been out here all morning, you hungry for lunch?”

_Is it really already lunchtime?_

     “I guess.”

     Bo tilted his head back towards the house. “I’ve got burgers.”

     While Bo fixed up their lunches, Lukas sat patiently at the table, his thumbs posed over the keyboard on his phone. Philip’s name sat boldly at the top of the open textbox.

_'want to study again later?'_

     Lukas reread his text a few times before ultimately deciding it wasn’t incriminating. He hit send then waited for a reply. His knee bounced under the table as he ate the burger his dad set in front of him. When the phone buzzed a minute later, Lukas leap to read Philip’s answer.

     “The phone’s not gonna crawl away from you, kid.” Bo grunted before taking a bite of his own burger.

     Lukas ignored him.

_'i cant. gabe and helen said sundays are family days...whatever that means'_

     Lukas sighed and tucked the phone back in his pocket.

     “Everything alright?” His dad asked.

_Shit._

     “Yep, yeah.” Lukas nodded. “Rose is just, uh, busy today.”

     Bo pressed his lips together in solidarity.

     “It’s alright, though.” Lukas said, finishing his burger. “I have a test to study for anyway.” He quickly cleared his place at the table then headed upstairs to his bedroom, grabbing his backpack on the way.

     Lukas plopped onto his bed and pulled out the flashcards. The memory of Philip’s fingers brushing over his knuckles resurfaced.

_Stop._

     His own fingers had been absentmindedly running over the same knuckles Philip touched.

_Don’t._

     He shook his head then grabbed a flashcard from the deck. The words on the card stared right back at him, mocking him.

     ‘what is phillip’s curve’

_Goddamn it._


	4. Week Three: part one

**Day Fifteen**

“I’ve got this sick new trick in mind,” Lukas told Philip at the jump site. He tried to keep his confidence from leaking into his words but it wasn’t working; he oozed arrogance. Philip cocked an eyebrow as Lukas tugged on his helmet and mounted his bike.

     “Get this on camera, city boy.” Lukas grinned.

     He revved the engine and sped off towards the biggest hill at the jump site. Adrenaline pulsed through him, heightening Lukas’s senses. This was his favorite part about motocross: the pure rush it gave him. Lukas sped over the hill, launching himself into the air. He swung his legs forward over the handlebars then pulled them back just as the ground started getting closer.

      _Hell yeah!_

     In the midst of all the excited nerves, Lukas forgot to adjust the angle of his bike to insure a landing and consequently nose dived into the dirt. His hands were ripped from the bike as he was flung a few feet before landing primarily on his shoulder. A searing hot pain shot down his arm and up towards his neck.

     “Fucking hell.” He groaned, rolling over. Immediately, Philip was at his side. His face was flushed from sprinting.

     “Shit, man, are you alright?” He asked, slightly out of breath. Philip quickly assessed him, trying to gauge how badly Lukas was damaged.

     Lukas sat up and clutched his arm. “Yeah,” he winced. “I’m fine. Come on, let’s go again.” He started to stand up but Philip’s hand cut him off, pressing lightly into his chest. Lukas could almost feel the warmth of his hand through the chest protector.

     “I think we’re done for the day,” Philip chuckled. He kept his hand on Lukas’s chest piece until he sat back down. “Stay here, you might’ve broken something. I’ll be right back.”

     “Nothing’s broken,” Lukas hissed through gritted teeth. Over the years he’d broken enough bones to be able to discriminate the pains of a break from that of a bad bruise.

     Philip looked skeptical. “I’m still going to get ice from the cabin.” He jabbed a finger at Lukas. “Don’t move,” he warned before turning around and breaking into a jog, disappearing shortly into the treeline.

     After letting out an irritating breath, Lukas gingerly touched his shoulder and his shoulder fought back with another burst of pain. Lukas quickly drew his hand back.

_Shit. This better heal before the race Saturday._

     He fumbled with his helmet, wincing as he pulled it off, then laid back against the dirt with his eyes closed. His forehead was sprinkled with sweat he didn’t bother to wipe away. When Lukas opened his eyes again, Philip was standing over him.

     “This was all I could find,” he said, holding a bag of frozen peas. Philip sat down next to Lukas and planted his heels in the ground before digging into his pocket. “I also got some pain killers.” He dropped three little pills into Lukas’s hand. “They probably won’t do much, though.”

     Lukas mumbled a thanks and sat back up, cradling the arm with the injured shoulder. His cheeks burned with embarrassment as he tossed back the pills then struggled to take off his gear. Philip watched for a moment before intervening to help ease the plastic chest protector off. Once it was off, he set the bag of frozen peas on Lukas’ shoulder.

     “You impressed?” Lukas joked feebly, adjusting the peas. The first layer of pain was shooed away by the cold but the stubborn ache inside his joint remained. One side of Philip’s mouth tugged upwards into a lopsided smile.

     “I’d be more impressed if you’d actually broken something.”

     Lukas laughed. “Asshole.” After a moment, he added, “would you, uh, help me get a better look at it?” Philip’s eyebrows knitted together, not quite understanding what Lukas was asking until he pulled at the edge of his shirt and tried to wiggle out of it. It took a few minutes of struggling to find out a way to get Lukas free of his shirt while also keeping him from raising his left arm, but eventually they got it off.

     Philip tried to keep the shock from showing on his face once Lukas’s shoulder was in full view. It was swollen and visibly angry. A deep red bruise had already formed on the side of his shoulder and seeped into Lukas’s back near his shoulder blade. Philip’s fingertips barely brushed over the popped blood vessels that almost resembled tiny crimson fireworks beneath Lukas’s skin.

     “Shit,” Philip murmured. His breath tickled the nape of Lukas’s neck causing goosebumps to crawl up his arms.

      _I’m just cold from holding the peas._

     A small part of him, deep inside, reminded Lukas that it wasn’t the peas at all. Philip’s fingers delicately ran across Lukas’s bare shoulder to the edge of his collarbone. Every nerve was alive and screaming at Lukas, begging for Philip’s touch to continue.

_Stop._

_Stop thinking about it._

_Stop wanting him._

_This isn’t how it’s supposed to be._

     “I think it needs to be chopped.” Philip said finally, drawing back his hand. Lukas put the bag of only somewhat frozen peas back onto his shoulder, hoping it would numb it again and get rid of the feeling Philip’s fingertips had left behind. He took in a deep breath then looked at the injury for himself.

     “I’ve had worse.”

     They sat in a comfortable silence for a considerable amount of time. Philip dug his hands into the dirt, focusing on the feel of it on his palms, as Lukas drew his legs up to his chest and looked out at the treeline. Once it was clear the peas were no longer frozen and helpful, the boys dusted themselves off and headed home.

 

 

**Day Sixteen**

In between Lukas’s math and english classes, he stopped at his locker fully aware that Rose would be there waiting for him. He felt slightly guilty for not hanging out with her any of the past few days and wanted to make it up to her, at least just a little.

      “I’ve missed you,” she said, pulling him into her by his shirt.

      Lukas nodded. “Missed you too.” He pressed his lips to hers briefly then turned to open his locker. “I thought maybe I could come by later tonight?”

     “Of course.” Rose smiled and reached out to touch his cheek. “Oh, how’s your shoulder doing? Does it still hurt?”

     For a second Lukas forgot he told her only the need to know details about the accident and horror crashed into him at the thought of her knowing he had been with Philip when it happened. He could feel the shame burning in his cheeks.

     “It’s fine,” he said before clearing his throat. “I’m fine.”

     Rose frowned. “You really shouldn’t be out riding alone. What if something worse happened? What if you had broken something?”

      _I wasn’t alone._

     Lukas said nothing but Rose continued. “What if you hurt yourself so badly you couldn’t race this Saturday?” She sighed loudly as Lukas shut his locker. “Sometimes I just don’t understand how your mind works.”

      _Yeah, me either._

     “You’re still going to be able to race Saturday, right?”

     “Yeah,” he said but his shoulder ached in protest. Lukas looked down the hall and saw Philip at the other end, walking out of a classroom. He desperately wished he could look anywhere else but his eyes wouldn’t leave Philip. When Philip met Lukas’s gaze he gave him a small smile.

_Fuck._

     Lukas’s heart rate picked up.

_Do I smile back?_

_Shit, what do I do when I see Tommy or-or some other normal guy in the halls? Do we smile at each other?_

_Too gay, people would know._

     Before he could react, Rose’s hand was on his neck, pulling him back towards her for a kiss. By the time she released him and Lukas was able to glance down the hall again, Philip was gone.

 

 

**Day Seventeen**

Lukas Waldenbeck definitely had a thing for country. The realization dawned on him when a song so blatantly country flooded through his headphones as he worked on the turkey signs. He tapped his foot to the beat of the song as it lifted some of the weight off his shoulders in a way the songs before hadn’t. He also had a thing for punk, rock, and alternative music. This type of music energized him and left him feeling as if he could kick through a wall; a feeling that Lukas equally loved. Hip-hop, rap, and R&B wormed into Lukas’s playlists too. These songs allowed him to pretend that, for the duration of the song at least, he was something more than just a confused kid from a small town in New York.

     As long as he was listening to music, Lukas could escape. He could be something else. He could be a rapper looking out to the crowd full of energized fans, he could be a cage fighter, beating his fists together waiting for his next opponent. He could even be on a boat in the middle of a lake with a beer in his hand and the sun on his chest. In each of these versions of him, the part inside that refused to let go of Philip Shea was still there but now it was different because Lukas wasn’t Lukas Waldenbeck, boy from Tivoli anymore, he was someone more. He was someone who deserved a boy like Philip, someone who didn’t have these battles waging on inside their head. The part inside these versions of Lukas that held onto Philip did so in a way that wasn’t shameful or wrong. It just simply _was_ , and that was okay.

     By the end of his playlist, Lukas was exhausted and his shoulder felt hot with pain. He set down the sign he was working on then looked over at the impressive pile of signs he had made.

_Nice._

     “Hey.”

     Lukas whipped around to find Philip standing at the entrance to the barn. Fear shot through him as his eyes darted around the perimeter to make sure his dad was nowhere near.

     “Uh, what are you doing here?” He asked in a hushed tone. Paranoia whispered into his ear,

      _Dad’s going to come out and see. He’s going to know._

     Philip held out a thin flash drive. “I made a compilation of the footage we shot for your channel.” Lukas hesitantly took it and stuffed it into his pocket. “The quality is kinda bad but…”

      _He needs to leave, now._

_Was that Dad over by the tracker or am I just seeing things?_

     “I’m, uh, I’m kinda busy right now.” Lukas said, half heartedly gesturing to the signs behind him.

     Philip pressed his lips together. “Right,” he said slowly. “I have to get back anyway.”

_No, wait._

_This isn’t what I want-I just-you can’t be here._

     “Yeah.” Lukas said quietly.

     Philip lingered for a moment to see if Lukas would say anything else but he didn’t. Though it was only a few extra seconds, to Lukas it felt agonizingly slow.

_Dad’s going to see, he’s going to find out about everything and he’s never going to talk to me again._

_Philip has to leave. He has to leave, now._

     It didn’t take long for Philip to get the hint and he turned to leave.

_Shit, now he thinks I’m an asshole and I don’t want to hang out with him._

_How do I get him to stay?_

_He can’t stay, he has to leave before Dad comes outside._

_Fuck._

     “Hey, wait, Philip,” Lukas called after him. Philip threw his leg over his bike but turned his head to hear what Lukas was going to say next. “I-I have a race on Saturday at the track near the cabin, the place I use as my jump site, and, uh, you know...you can come watch if you want.”

_Shit, what did I just do?_

_Everyone’s going to be there._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

     “Okay,” Philip said, nodding. He took in a small breath and decided to leave it at that. Lukas watched as Philip headed off on his bike before angrily kicking a metal pail next to him. It sailed to the other side of the barn but did nothing to calm the storm of emotions brewing inside Lukas.

     “Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Bo asked sternly, rounding the corner into the barn.

     Lukas chewed on his cheek. “Nothing.” He said, irritation clear in his voice.

     His dad eyed him but dropped the subject. “Who was the kid?”

_Shit. Fuck._

     “What kid?” Lukas could feel perspiration prickling at his forehead.

     “The one on the bike.”

      He gulped. “Just someone from my class. I told him I’d give him my notes.”

     Bo said nothing which fueled Lukas’s anxiety. He was practically itching from it.

     “You did well with the signs today,” Bo noted. “Did you feed the turkeys?” Lukas shook his head.

     Again, Bo said nothing but this time Lukas already knew what he was going to say and so he headed towards the back of the barn where they kept the feed.

 

_Why is this happening to me?_

     Lukas sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands and his eyes closed. Soon, he’d have to go back downstairs to eat but he was struggling to pull himself together enough to be presentable in front of his dad.

_I can’t like Philip, not like this._

_Jesus Christ, I’m not gay._

     The more he thought about it, the angrier it made him.

_Why does this have to happen to me?_

_Why can’t I be like fucking everyone else?_

_How do I make it stop?_

     He clenched his hair in his fists and tugged until he felt pain. He felt ashamed and angry for allowing himself to indulge in hanging out with Philip. He felt confused and nervous, jittery even, because despite knowing it was completely and utterly wrong, Lukas knew it also felt more right than anything else. A lump lodged itself in his throat and refused to move. Lukas pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes tighter to rid them of stubborn hot tears. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hit something.

     “Dinner!” 

 

**Day Eighteen**

Bo was going out of town for the night and despite it being a school night, Lukas still invited Rose over. He needed this, he needed to show himself that things would be okay, that he was still normal. When she showed up at his doorstep a little past nine, Lukas greeted her with a kiss and took her hand to lead her up to his bedroom.

     “Lukas,” Rose giggled when he climbed on top of her in the bed.

     “Hmm?” He mumbled, kissing her again with more gusto than usual. Lukas let his hands roam up and down her sides then arranged her legs so they were around his waist.

_Come on, I can do this._

_I need this to work._

     Rose held his face in her hands, eagerly kissing him back. Lukas’s breathing was picking up as he moved his mouth to her neck.

_I can do this._

_This isn’t bad._

     He grabbed a fistful of her shirt and pulled it up over her head then tossed it over to the side of his room. Lukas paused, taking a second to take in the sight of her. She was wearing a peach colored bra with a small lace trim at the top where it curved with her breasts.

_She is pretty hot._

_This might actually work._

     Rose brought him back down for another kiss before running her hands up his back, taking his shirt with her and throwing it over to meet hers.

      _Shouldn’t I be getting hard by now?_

_Or-or something?_

     Her hands brushed over his shoulders, careful not to touch the now purple bruise that wrapped around on the left one, but her touch didn’t have the same electricity that Philip’s did. Lukas’s kisses became more urgent as he tried to stir up some sort of feeling inside him.

_Maybe if I take off her bra…_

     When he reached for the clasp in the back, Rose stopped him.

     “Lukas, wait-” she breathed, sitting up. “I’m-I’m sorry. I can’t. I-I think we should wait.”

     Lukas let out a sigh and dropped his head.

      _Shit._

     “Yeah,” he said, climbing off of her and scrambling to get his shirt from the other side of the room. “Yeah, sorry.”

_It wasn’t going to work anyway._

_She’s not Philip._

     He squeezed his hands into fists until his nails dug into his palms.

_Stop it._

_Stop thinking about him._

_It’ll work next time._

_I just need to warm up to it._

     “Did you, uh, did you still want to stay?” Lukas asked, unclenching his hands and tossing her shirt over to her. Rose rubbed her lips together.

     “I probably shouldn’t. We have class tomorrow.”

     “Right,” He mumbled then silently walked her back to the front door


	5. Week Three: part two

**Day Nineteen**

_Where the hell’d all the food go?_

     Lukas stuck his tongue into the side of his cheek as he stared into a mostly empty cabinet in the kitchen. A box of crackers, a jar of peach preserves that looked as if something was growing along the rim of the lid, and three packets of chicken Ramen Noodles stared back at him.

_I gotta remind Dad to go to the store…_

     He sighed loudly then reached for the crackers, wincing as the bruise on his shoulder sent out a burst of pain to remind Lukas that it was still there. On the counter, his phone buzzed twice which meant it was Philip. Everyone else fell under the single buzz tone.

_‘hows the shoulder?? still on for the race tomorrow??’_

     Lukas jammed a handful of crackers into his mouth, wiped his hands on the jeans he should’ve washed two days ago, and typed back:

_‘hell yeah its still on! what do i look like some kind of bitch?’_

     He hit send then paused and typed out another text.

_‘want to take a couple pics @ the track in a few minutes? i want to get that new trick on camera before the race’_

     His shoulder throbbed at the thought of trying out the jump again but Lukas’s heart surged at the promise of seeing Philip again. He aggressively ignored both impulses.

_‘sure. see you there in ten.’_

 

     “Are you sure you’re up for this?” Philip asked as Lukas tugged on his helmet at the jump site.

     Lukas scoffed. “Yeah.”

_No._

     “Okay, but if you hurt yourself I’m not gonna doctor you again.” Philip’s lips were pressed tightly against each other in a teasing kind of smile. Lukas rolled his eyes.

     “I’m not going to need it anyway,” he shot back. “I can do it man, believe in me a little.”

     Philip said nothing and watched as Lukas took off towards the biggest hill at the site. Lukas’s heart pounded when he revved the engine.

_I can do this._

     He gripped the handlebars tightly then sped off, catching the air, but his confidence level dropped just as he needed it and consequently he couldn’t bring himself to whip his legs forward. The end result instead was a half hearted simple jump.

_Fuck._

     Embarrassment burned through his cheeks so he kept his helmet on when he rode back to meet Philip at the edge of the site.

     “Something felt wrong with the bike,” Lukas lied. “I didn’t want to put it through another crash landing.”

     A tiny smile crept onto Philip’s face.“What happened to the whole ‘have a little faith’ thing?”

     “Whatever, I’m not gonna put my faith in a bike that’s acting shitty.”

     “What’s wrong with it?”

     Lukas yanked off his helmet and quickly thought of another lie.

_I really hope he doesn’t know much about bikes._

     “Uh, you know, the carburetor I think.” He ducked his head so he wouldn’t have to meet Philip’s eyes. Lukas fiddled with the side of his bike as if he were checking the visible parts then clicked his tongue and nodded in approval. “Yeah, yeah, definitely the carburetor.”

     “Damn,” Philip said softly. He carefully tucked his camera back into it’s protective case. “Now what?”

_I don’t know, I didn’t exactly plan this far ahead._

_Is there more whiskey at the cabin or did we drink it all last time?_

     “I can probably fix it but the tools are back at the cabin.” Lukas looked up, hopeful Philip would take the bait.

     “What, you want to walk there?”

     He lamely gestured to the bike. “Well we can’t take this back and I’m not gonna sit on the handlebars of your bike.”

     Philip took in a deep breath, pursed his lips, then said, “okay, let’s walk then.”

     The distance from the cabin to the jump site seemed much shorter on Lukas’s bike but it wasn’t until they had already been walking through the woods for twenty minutes that Lukas realized this. He also realized that he’d never walked to the jumpsite from the cabin, or vice versa, and everything seemed much different than on the bike. He wasn’t even entirely sure they were going the right direction. When he took the bike, Lukas never had to think about it, the bike just knew where it was going.

     “You should’ve just sat on the handlebars of my bike,” Philip grumbled as he swatted at a mosquito on his arm.

     Lukas shoved him playfully. “Oh, come on. We’re almost there.” He pointed at the small quarry coming up on their left. “See?” Philip glanced at him with a mischievous look in his eye then ran towards the water’s edge. Lukas hesitantly followed him.

     “What the hell are you doing?” He laughed as Philip slipped off his shoes and socks and placed them on the dirt next to his camera and phone.

     “Taking a break from all the walking,” he said, rolling up his pant legs to his knees. Philip looked over his shoulder at Lukas watching behind him, shot him a wide grin, then stepped into the water. Since the water had only gotten there from rain accumulation, it hardly came up to Philip’s shins, but it was cool and soothing. The bottom was sandier than he had expected it to be and was pleasantly surprised at how it felt under his feet.

     “You know there’s leeches in there.”

     Philip turned around to find Lukas teetering on the edge of the water. He eyed Lukas, trying to assess by his body language if he was telling the truth or not. Philip couldn’t tell.

     “Really?”

     Lukas waited a moment then chuckled, “nah, I’m just messing with you.” He peered down into the somewhat clear water. “There are little crawfish, though, that’ll pinch your feet.”

     This one Philip knew to be a lie. “Yeah?” He challenged. “Come show me.”

     As soon as Lukas extended his hand to point to an imaginary crawfish somewhere in the water, Philip grabbed it and yanked him into the water.

     “What the hell, man?” Lukas yelped as the water soaked through his shoes and pant legs. Despite the tone of his voice, he couldn’t fight the smile on his face and before he knew it, he was laughing. “You’re such an ass.”

     Philip laughed along with him and shrugged, not even bothering to hand out an apology. He looked over at the other end of the quarry where the trees clung desperately to the edge of the rock. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lukas studying his profile.

     “You would’ve doctored me, if I’d needed it,” Lukas said smugly. “I know you would’ve.” Philip took in a deep breath then turned to look at him, having to squint from the brightness of the afternoon sun.

     “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I would’ve.”

     The tone of his voice was steady and sure, the same tone he would’ve used if he had stated any other simple fact.

     The sky is blue.

     Yeah, I would’ve.

     He licked his lips then kicked the water at Lukas. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

     Lukas smirked. A water droplet hung from his hair. “You’re gonna regret that.”

     Within the span of a few minutes, both of the boys were soaked. Lukas had lunged at Philip, causing him to stumble and fall into the water, who then retaliated by wrestling him until he was equally as drenched. After calling a truce they sat on the edge of the water, with only their feet in, hoping the sun would dry them relatively quickly. Philip leaned back on his palms, his head tilted towards the sky and his eyes closed. Lukas’s gaze drifted to Philip’s chest, admiring the way his white t-shirt now clung to his body and highlighted the valleys of his torso.

_Stop._

_I can’t._

_You have to._

_Stop._

     He bit down on his lip then tore his attention towards the quarry in front of them. Next to him, Philip’s phone buzzed loudly. As Lukas handed it to him he caught a glimpse of Helen’s name on the screen.

_Shit, what does Philip tell them when we hang out?_

_Do they even know we hang out?_

_Fuck, they probably know._

_There’s nothing to know, we’re just hanging out._

     Lukas leaned forward and shoved his palms into his eyes and rubbed them as if it would also rub away the thoughts in his mind. Once Philip was off the phone, they headed back-still sopping wet- towards the jump site so Philip could get his bike and be back for dinner.

 

**Day Twenty**

Tivoli only hosted one race the entire season. Their track wasn’t nearly as large as other’s Lukas had raced on and the community of motocross in and around the town hardly made up a handful, so one race a season was all Tivoli could muster.

     This race, despite how small it may be, was crucial to Lukas’s future in the circuit. This was the race that the big sponsors from the city, the sponsors that could actually get Lukas out of Tivoli, were coming to watch what this small farm town had to offer. That, combined with the fact that Philip might come, made Lukas jittery with nerves.

_I have to nail this._

_I will nail this._

     Lukas looked over to the side of the track where a few spectators were bumbling about behind the barrier. Even from a distance he could pinpoint the sponsors in their button up shirts and slacks that wouldn’t stand a chance against the dirt of the track. They watched as the handful of riders not from Tivoli walked the track to familiarize themselves with the ways it dipped and turned. Lukas, who knew this track like someone knows their own name, was fiddling anxiously with his bike as he stood near the staging area.

     “Lukas!”

     He perked up at the sound of his name but he already knew by the pitch of who said it that it wasn’t Philip. Rose was right up against the barrier, waving at him. He gave a quick wave back then scanned the rest of the few spectators. Behind a cluster of parents, in his patched up leather jacket, was Philip with his camera in his hand pointed directly at Lukas. Heat rose to his face and he suddenly felt the eyes of everyone on him.

_No one knows anything._

_They’re looking because I’m about to race._

_Calm down._

_I can do this._

     When Lukas was waiting behind the metal barriers, his bike wheel nearly touching it, he went through the track in his head. He knew where the corners were, how much he’d have to brace for them, and he knew where the obstacles were.

_I can do this._

     The moment the gate fell, Lukas took off. The dirt sputtered behind him as he immediately surpassed the rider on his left. Adrenaline pulsed through him and made him feel dangerous, a force to be reckoned with. The small crowd managed to make enough noise that he could hear them over the sound of the engines as he approached the first major turn in the track. With the combination of muscle memory and an insanely sharp focus, Lukas pulled through and ahead of the other riders.

     Before he knew it, they had already completed four laps and the checkered flag was being waved. Lukas pulled off his helmet, wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand, and waited for the results to pop up on the board. When they did, he couldn’t contain his excitement. Not only had he won, he also beat his personal best time.

_Holy shit, I did it!_

_I’m getting out of Tivoli, this is my ticket into the circuit._

_I fucking did it._

     He looked out at the crowd which had started filtering away to talk to their riders and searched for Philip. Almost immediately, he found him standing away from the rest of the people. When he met Lukas’s gaze he gave him a thumbs up. Lukas’s heart surged with pride.

     “Congratulations, kid.” Bo came up behind Lukas and clapped him on the back. “I’ve never seen you race like that before.”

     “Thanks, Dad.” Lukas said breathlessly, trying to pull his head out of the clouds and ground his feet again. “Did you see the sponsors? Did they see me?”

     “Why don’t you ask them yourself?” Bo stepped out of the way to reveal one of the button up shirt wearing men that Lukas spotted before the race. “Lukas, meet the representative for Trevy Tools. I’m sure you’ve heard of them.”

     Lukas nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah!” he took in a sharp breath. “Of course, wow. Nice to meet you.” He shook the man’s hand and tried to conceal how he was trembling from the rush of it all.

     “Nice work out on the track,” the man said. “I’ve definitely got your name down, Lukas. Expect to hear from us soon, you may be looking at a major sponsorship.”

_Holy shit this can’t be real._

     “Wow, this means so much to me, thank you.” Lukas beamed.

     As Bo pulled the man aside to talk specifics about a sponsorship, Rose bounded into Lukas and wrapped her arms around his neck.

     “You did so well, baby!” She squealed. “And that guy you were talking to looked important too.”

     “I think Trevy Tools is going to sponsor me,” he grinned.

     “That’s awesome, I’m so proud of you!” Rose kissed his cheek then stepped back “I’m going to get a water, I’ll be right back.” She said before leaving for the make shift concession stand on the side. Lukas ran his fingers through his hair and took in a deep breath.

_I can’t believe this is happening._

_I’m actually getting a major sponsor._

_This is fucking crazy._

     “Hey.” Lukas whipped around.

_Philip._

     “Hi.”

      Philip took a step closer and Lukas instinctively looked around. The feeling of the eyes on him was starting to make his skin crawl again.

     “I, uh, I got some really good shots of you, if you wanna go over them tomorrow or something.” He said, patting the camera. “You did great, by the way.”

     Lukas dropped his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rose walking towards them.

_Ah, fuck._

     “I-I gotta go talk to these sponsors right now but I’ll-I’ll text you later.” Lukas said quickly then jogged over to where Rose was.

     “Who was that?” She asked, jerking her chin at Philip.

     Lukas shrugged. “No idea.” He put his arm over her shoulders and walked her back over to where his bike was by the results board. “Did I tell you what comes with a Trevy Tools sponsorship?” Off to the side, Lukas watched as Philip retreated back to his own bike.

 

**Day Twenty** **One**

Lukas pursed his lips together as he reread the text he’d sent to Philip over ten minutes ago.

_‘want to go to the cabin and celebrate my win?? I got us a bottle of tequila.’_

     Usually Philip would’ve responded by now. Lukas sat on the floor of his room and stared at the wall. There were a lot of things he could’ve been doing instead, his homework and chores for example, but he watched his phone until it finally lit up with a text from Philip.

_‘today’s not a good day.’_

     Sighing loudly, Lukas threw his phone onto the bed then reluctantly opened his backpack and dug out his homework. Half way through his math problems, he heard the buzz of his phone and leap to answer it. Philip’s name filled the screen.

_‘actually, yeah. let’s go. I need to get my mind off something.’_

 

As soon as he met up with Philip at the cabin, he could tell something was wrong by the way he seemed just utterly exhausted. Philip gave him a fake smile as if it could hide the disappointment behind it.

     “Here, you get the first shot,” Lukas said, handing him the bottle then sitting on the bed. Philip took a long swig, wincing once he set the bottle back down. He let it settle warmly in his stomach before he took another equally large swig.

     “I went to see my mom today,” he said miserably and handed the tequila to Lukas. “When I got there, I could see through the window and she was talking to some guy and at first I thought it was a new boyfriend or something but then she handed him some cash.” He paused, took the bottle back and took another shot. “She was buying drugs. I didn’t even bother going in, I just left after that.”

     Lukas said nothing but tentatively put his hand on Philip’s leg, a few inches above his knee, hoping he could convey sympathy and comfort through his touch. Philip looked down at where Lukas’s hand was on his leg.

_Fuck._

_I should’ve just said something._

     But he didn’t pull back his hand. Philip pressed his lips together then took another shot. Lukas let him nurse the bottle.

_He needs it more than I do._

_And he’s gonna need someone to make sure he gets back._

_Fuck, tomorrow’s a school day._

_I didn’t think this through._

     He looked over at Philip who was already wobbling slightly as he stared blankly at the opposite wall.

_Maybe this wasn’t the best idea._

     Lukas glanced at the small clock next to the bed that read ‘6:17pm’.

_Maybe it’ll wear off before it gets too late._

 

“You’re a gooood friend,” Philip slurred. He was on his knees outside in the grass with a puddle of vomit in front of him. His eyes were bloodshot and half closed as Lukas handed him a rag to wipe his mouth with.

     “Feel any better?”

     Philip staggered as he got to his feet. “I feel fan-tastic.”

     “We should probably head back, it’s past eleven.” Lukas grimaced as he looked at Philip. “You’re going to hate me tomorrow morning.”

      He shook his head slowly. “Nah.”

     Lukas grabbed a helmet and carefully pulled it over Philip’s head. “You okay to ride?”

     “I guess we’ll find out!” He laughed, waving around a finger. Lukas mounted the bike and waited for Philip to join. He laughed as he stumbled to get on the bike then wrapped his arms around Lukas, hugging his back.

     The ride back to Helen and Gabe’s was fairly short, but Lukas was terrified Philip would let go and fall off the back so he went slower than he normally would’ve. He parked the bike outside of their house and helped Philip onto the porch.

     “Aren’t you gonna help me inside?” He mumbled as Lukas was turning to leave.

      “Is Gabe or Helen up?”

     Philip shook his head. “I-I told them I was gonna be out late studying and to not wait up.”

     Lukas took in a sharp breath and glanced up at the house. There weren’t any lights on but he was still skeptical.

     “That doesn’t mean they listened to you,” he murmured.

_What do I do if we’re caught?_

_I could say I just found him like this._

_What are the chances Helen and Gabe are even up?_

     Lukas looked at Philip who was struggling to stand upright on the porch.

_He’s never going to make it to his room without getting caught._

_He can’t even make it up the front steps._

_Fuck._

     “Alright,” Lukas whispered, putting Philip’s arm around his shoulder. “If we walk inside and get caught I’m telling them I found you like this.”

     Philip’s head sagged. “Whatever you say.”

     It took a lot of effort to make it up the stairs without waking anyone. A couple times, Philip tripped or bumped into a picture on the wall and then burst into not so silent giggles, but eventually Lukas corralled him upstairs into his room then quickly shut the door behind them.

     “Shit, dude, do you want to get caught?” Lukas hissed as Philip began trying to untie his shoes. He sighed then intervened, taking the laces from Philip’s unsteady hands.

     “You’re cute,” Philip murmured and reached down to pat Lukas’s head.

      Lukas froze.

_Is he-_

     “What?” He laughed nervously. “Are you gay or something?”

     Philip kicked one of his shoes off then watched as Lukas untied the other. Once they were both off, Lukas looked up at Philip who nodded slowly.

     “Yeahhh, are you?”

     “What? No!” Lukas scoffed, standing back up. “I-I-”

_I like you,_

_But that doesn’t make me gay._

     “I have a girlfriend.” He said.

     “Riiiight,” Philip grinned. “The girlfriend.”

     Someone knocked on Philip’s bedroom door.

     “Philip?” the voice, Lukas assumed was Gabe’s, asked. “Is that you?”

     Lukas’s eyes got wide as he looked around for a spot he could hide if the knob on the door turned even the slightest.

     “Yep.” Philip said. “Yep, I’m home and I’m goin’ to bed.”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_If he comes in, we’re dead._

_Shit, why did I think this was a good idea?_

_Oh, god, this is it._

     “Okay,” said Gabe finally. The knob on the door didn’t move. A second later, Lukas heard his footsteps make their way down the hall. He reminded himself to breathe again. Philip sluggishly held up two thumbs at Lukas then collapsed into his bed. A tiny bewildered smile tugged at Lukas's lips as he waited another moment before quietly slipping out.

_He’s gay._

_He’s gay._

     Something inside him fluttered at this piece of knowledge.

_Stop._

     Lukas chewed on his cheek as he pulled into the Waldenbeck barn and pulled off his helmet. For just a second he allowed himself to think about the possibilities.

_What if Philip likes me too?_

     His nerves tingled with excitement.

_No, no, no._

_Stop._

_Think about Rose._

_I’m not gay like Philip._


	6. Week Four: part one

**Day Twenty Two**

Sometime, a little past two in the morning that Monday, Lukas dreamt.

     He was sitting on top of his desk in his economics class. The room was empty, the kind of empty that seemed to leak into everything and everyone else, the desolate kind that hung in the air and gave one the feeling that they were completely and utterly alone. Lukas had a hunch the entire town was empty. He was looking out the window at a colorless field when a timid creak came from behind him. Instantly, Lukas whipped around to see what caused it.

     Philip was standing in the doorway in his leather jacket and jeans with a coy smile on his face. However, even from the other side of the room, Lukas could tell Philip seemed different somehow. He was altered in the way that dreams tend to make people, he was more glorified and less himself. The flaws of his appearance had been quickly snubbed away by Lukas's subconscious. Lukas blinked once and suddenly Philip was within inches of him, standing in front of the desk with his hands on both of Lukas’s legs. He waited with baited breath to see which direction the dream would take him. All of his senses were heightened at the thought of touching Philip.

     The empty feeling the room first exuded faded as Philip’s lips found Lukas’s neck. Now, not only could he feel the eyes of the whole town on them, but eyes from around the world seemed to bore into him as well. Despite this, though, the watching eyes didn’t make Lukas nauseated or crawling with anxiety. If anything, they made him feel validated, like he was truly being seen as himself for once. Philip’s hands slid up Lukas’s sides, taking the hem of his shirt with him, and the feeling of being watched faded as quickly as it came. The eerie sensation of being completely alone crept back into the room. Now it was just Philip and Lukas. The entire world was no longer, it was simply Lukas and Philip.

     Lukas's shirt was tossed onto the floor and he pushed Philip’s jacket off his shoulders until it fell to the ground too. Philip grabbed at Lukas’s hips, pulling him to the very edge of the desk. Lukas’s heart rate picked up but he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything other than what he was already feeling: a rush that rivaled the one motocross gave him.

     Philip’s mouth moved to place feathery light kisses along Lukas’s jawline, then down his Adam’s apple, and over his shoulder. The yellowing bruise, a ghost of what it once was, wasn’t there. Lukas tangled his fingers in Philip’s thick hair as the kisses moved dangerously back up towards Lukas’s lips. He held Philip’s face in his hands and studied this dream version of him. Lukas noticed that the tiny mole beneath Philip’s bottom lip had been erased along with the little blemish on his chin. His eyelashes were also longer and darker than Lukas remembered them being. He was a filtered copy of Philip.  Before Lukas could find anything else different about him, Philip leaned in to kiss him.

     “Wait,” Lukas gasped, pulling away before their lips could touch. “This is wrong.”

     The coy smile returned to Philip’s face. “Then why does it feel right?”

      _STOP._

     Lukas shot awake, panting and sweating, as he frantically looked around his dark bedroom. A brief sense of disappointment flashed across his mind once he realized it was only a dream.

    _Stop thinking about it._

      _It was just a dream._

_It means nothing._

_I’m not gay._

_I’m not gay._

     For a second, Lukas contemplated going back to sleep, but decided against it in case he couldn’t dream of something other. Instead, he pulled on his thick wool lined jacket and headed to the barn. He shoved his earbuds into his ears, turned the volume all the way up, then started working on the turkey signs.

     The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon when Bo walked into the barn to feed the turkeys and was shocked to find his son diligently working instead of sleeping.

     “Hey!” Bo yelled sharply until Lukas pulled out his earbuds. “You’re gonna blow out your hearing with those.”

     Lukas said nothing.

     “What are you doing out here anyway? Shouldn’t school be starting soon?”

     “Couldn’t sleep,” he mumbled but he had a feeling his dad could see the exhaustion pulling at his eyes. “I’ll go get ready.”

     Bo watched as he left, confused and yet pleasantly surprised that Lukas managed to complete a fair number of signs.

By the time Lukas got to school, sleep had rooted itself into his bones and wouldn’t stop yanking his eyelids shut. He practically fell into his desk and allowed himself only one small glance at Philip to make sure he was still alive before surrendering to his fatigue.

     Philip was alive and sitting in his usual seat by the window but was clearly hungover. He had his hood pulled up over his head but it didn’t hide his washed out complexion and the dark circles rimming his eyes. He sat on the edge of his seat as if he was ready to bolt if he needed to throw up.

     Both of the boys had fallen asleep at their desks at some point during economics and were woken by the bell telling them to move onto their next class.

 

**Day Twenty Three**

“Dad, has Trevy Tools called yet?” Lukas asked, walking into the kitchen after school. He tried to keep his excitement about a possible sponsorship from showing as he grabbed an apple out of the fridge. Bo looked up from the paperwork in front of him at the table and shook his head.

     “Give it time, they’ll come through.”

     Lukas sighed. “But what if they don’t?”

     “Someone else will.” Bo scribbled something down. His forehead wrinkled in concentration. “You’re a great rider, kid. Someone’ll come through as long as you keep yourself together and stay on top of things.”

     In his pocket, Lukas’s phone buzzed twice.

    _Philip._

     He bit down on the apple to free up his hands long enough to read the text.

  _‘you busy?? i found a new spot to take some pics.’_

_‘send me the location.’_

     Lukas tucked his phone back in his pocket and took the apple out of his mouth. He watched his dad for a minute, bracing himself for the lie he was about to tell.

     “I’m gonna go study with Rose for a while,” he said, hurrying to grab his backpack off the counter. “I’ll be back later.”

     “You better, you’ve still got chores to do.” Bo grumbled.

 

Philip was leaning against one of the slabs of concrete that made up a small tunnel once Lukas showed up on his bike.

     “What is this place?” Lukas asked after he had taken off his helmet.

     He shrugged. “I don’t know, you’re the one who lives here. I found it while I was walking home.”

     Lukas looked around. It smelled damp and grassy, like it had just rained even though it hadn’t. The tunnel looked as if it had been forgotten or neglected by Tivoli. It wasn’t big enough for cars to drive through and Lukas thought maybe, because of that, the town pushed it to the side and built around it.

     “You want to take pictures here?” He said skeptically. It seemed too dark to be able to produce any good frames.

      Philip nodded. “Yeah, well outside of it." He saw the look on Lukas's face then added, "come on, it’s unconventional, it’ll make you stand out. All the other riders have their pictures taken at the track or whatever, but your’s will be unique and mysterious and whatever.”

     “Mysterious?” Lukas laughed. “Okay, whatever. Should I just stand next to the bike or something then?”

     Philip bit down on his lip and squinted, taking a step back to figure out where the best lighting was and how Lukas should be positioned. After taking a couple shots with the bike, Lukas climbed up onto one of the concrete slabs and stood on top of it.

     “How’s this? Get a picture like this!” He grinned and held out his arms. “I’m the king of motocross!”

     “Wow, I’m so humbled to even be able to take your picture,” Philip said, smiling. Lukas crouched and reached out for Philip's camera.

     “Here, let me take a few.”

     “No, absolutely not,” he chuckled. “Nice try, though.”

     “Fine, whatever.” Lukas rolled his eyes and dug his phone out of his pocket. “But you’re not the only one with a camera.” He held it up and pointed it at Philip. “Now say cheese.”

     “What are you doing? Stop!” Philip covered his face with his hands but Lukas could still see a smile through his fingers.

     “So you can take pictures of me but no one can take pictures of you?”

     “You asked me to take pictures for you! Besides, why would you want any of me anyway?”

      _Because I like you._

     Lukas paused then put away his phone. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop.” he sighed, throwing his hands up in surrender. “But for the record, I didn’t ask you to take that picture in the cabin.” Philip suddenly busied himself with making sure his camera was put away properly.

     “What picture?”

     “The one when we were studying.”

     Even though the camera had been put away, Philip still managed to avoid Lukas’s eyes.

     “Oh. Well, I told you. The lighting was really good.”

     “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Lukas grinned. Philip set down his camera and climbed onto the other slab, struggling slightly. When he got up, he sat by the edge and dangled his legs.

      _I wonder if he remembers what he said Sunday night._

     “Hey,” Lukas said slowly, dropping his gaze to the foliage beneath him. “Do you, uh, remember Sunday night?”

     Philip shrugged. “Yeah, I think so.”

     “Do you remember what you said when we were in your room?”

     He bobbed his head once.

     “Did you mean it?”

     “Which part?”

    _Being gay._

_Thinking I’m cute._

_All of it._

     “All of it.”

     Philip pressed his lips together. “Yeah.”

      _Fuck._

     “Oh.”

    _What if he likes me too?_

_No, stop._

_This isn’t me._

_I won’t be that guy._

     “Do you think this was made in 1926 or do you think those numbers are just a coincidence?” Philip asked, pointing to the top of the tunnel.

     “Maybe it weighs 1,926 pounds.”

     “Maybe they needed to use the ratio 19:26 so they put it there so they wouldn't forget.”

 

**Day Twenty Four**

Lukas rummaged around the drawer in his bedside table until his fingers found the little flash drive he was looking for. He mulled it over in his hands for a minute as he went down the stairs then plugged it into the computer. After a second of loading, a screen popped up with a picture of Lukas and his bike next to the track.

     While he watched the compilation video Philip had given him, Lukas couldn’t help but feel proud of his ability as a rider. In each of the shots Philip had taken, Lukas looked like he could already be in the professional circuit.

    _Shit, Philip’s really good at this kinda stuff._

     Every so often, the camera turned to Philip who would comment on Lukas’s jumps.

     “Lukas Waldenbeck, everyone,” he said to the camera. “Seasoned professional.”

     The shot flipped back to Lukas who was speeding down the track again on his bike. As the video went on, Philip was seen less and less. Probably, Lukas figured, because he knew Lukas wanted to put this on his channel. What Philip didn’t know, though, was that Lukas hadn’t yet gotten around to actually making the channel because he’d been too busy making the videos and hanging out with Philip.

     Lukas clicked out of the video and pulled up the browser so he could finally make his channel. It took him an hour and seventeen minutes-he had to step away at one point because the process was frustrating him-but he eventually succeeded in making a channel.

    _Now how the hell do I get this video on there?_

_Fucking christ, I’ll just have Philip do it sometime._

     Next to him, his phone buzzed, but just once. Lukas let it sit for a moment before opening the text from Rose.

      _‘miss you babe...want to come over?’_

_‘sure. be there in ten.’_

      Lukas shoved his phone into his jeans then pulled up Philip’s video again.

     “Lukas Waldenbeck, everyone. Seasoned Professional.”

    _'actually, probably more like fifteen.'_


	7. Week Four: part two

**Day Twenty Five**

“All I’m saying is you had the advantage from the start.”

     One corner of Lukas’s mouth tugged upwards in a small smile as he looked over at Philip standing by the stove.

     “Nah,” he smirked.

     Bo had left for the day to run into town for some parts, (“I’m finally gonna fix that damn tractor.”) and naturally Lukas had invited Philip over after school. They’d been playing video games for a little over an hour and each time Lukas had beaten Philip.

     “You only won because it’s your game.”

     “I’m just better than you.”

     Philip snorted. “Yeah, okay.” He looked down at the pot on the stovetop. Inside it sat a single popcorn kernel in a puddle of vegetable oil. “Tell me again why we only put one in there _and_ why we couldn’t have just used the microwave?”

     “You use the one as a tester to see if it’s ready to put the rest of it in,” Lukas said as he grabbed the salt from the table. “And microwave popcorn is shit. The radiation’ll give you cancer.”

     Philip’s eyebrows shot up and he sucked in his lips to contain his smile. “Okay, okay, damn. I didn’t realize you were so, uh, passionate about popcorn.”

     “Just wait, dude,” Lukas told him, peering over the pot to see if the kernel had popped yet. “You’ll never eat that microwave shit again after this.” Philip eyed him but didn’t protest. Instead, he reached into the bag of popcorn kernels on the counter beside him and tossed one at Lukas’s shoulder.

     “Man, you really like starting shit you’ll regret, don’t you?” Lukas laughed and jabbed Philip in the side. “The only reason I’m not pelting you with popcorn kernels right now is because my dad would kill me if I got them all over the kitchen, so consider yourself lucky.”

     A soft pop came from the stove and Lukas flashed Philip an excited grin. Once the rest of the popcorn was in the pot, Philip sighed.

     “How long is this gonna take again?”

     Lukas rolled his eyes and poked at Philip’s stomach again, who laughed and swatted at Lukas’s hand.

     The sound of gravel crunching beneath tires floated into the kitchen, disrupting them.

    _Oh fuck._

     Ice shot through Lukas’s veins as he grabbed Philip’s hand and yanked him into the pantry, slamming the pantry door behind them. Before Philip could ask what was going on, Lukas put a hand over his mouth and shot him a warning look with his eyes to be quiet.

  _Fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s back._

_Why is he back already?_

_I shouldn’t have invited Philip over._

     Philip’s eyes were wide and frantic but he didn’t dare say anything with Lukas’s hand still pressed over his mouth.

     “My dad’s home,” Lukas hissed, looking over his shoulder to make sure the pantry door was shut. “He’s gonna murder me if he finds out you’re here. I’m not supposed to have anyone over.”

    _Especially not you._

_Especially not like this._

     The front door creaked open.

      _Shit, shit, shit._

     Lukas held a finger to his lips. Philip nodded and Lukas drew his hand back. The pantry didn’t allow them much space. The doorknob was digging into Lukas’s skin but he couldn’t bring himself to move closer to Philip who was already only an inch away. Heat rushed to Lukas’s cheeks.

  _Our noses are almost touching._

_He smells nice._

_Do I smell okay?_

_Fuck, stop it._

      “Lukas?” Bo shouted up the stairs.

     Inside the pantry, Lukas bit down hard on his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. Directly across from him, Philip couldn’t tell if he should be feeling scared, amused, or slightly aroused. It was possible he felt a little bit of all.

     The footsteps neared the kitchen. Bo’s shadow splayed out at Lukas and Philip’s feet as he walked past the pantry.

_Shit, he can probably hear us breathing._

_Why didn’t I hide him in the bathroom?_

     Lukas held his breath but he was sure the pounding of his heart would give them away. He could feel Philip’s eyes on him.

     “Goddamn kid, leaving the stove on…” Bo grumbled to himself. The dials on the stove made a click as he turned them off.

    _Just go outside, Dad._

_Please, please, please, just go back out to the barn._

_Fuck, this was such a bad idea._

     He opened his eyes, gulped, then lowered his gaze to look at Philip. With a coy smile, Philip held a finger to his lips. When he realized just how terrified Lukas was, he dropped the smile. He wanted to reach out and squeeze his arm but he was scared he’d knock something off the shelves and make noise.

     “Lukas?” Bo called again, opening the sliding glass door. As soon as Lukas heard the thud that meant the door was closed, and he could hear Bo yelling out in the yard, he grabbed Philip again and rushed him towards the front door.

     “Go, go, go,” he hissed as Philip hurried to pull on his shoes. “Shit, my dad’s gonna kill me.” Lukas frantically looked over his shoulder.

     “I’ll, uh, text you?”

     “Just go!”

     Philip nodded once then quickly headed out the door. Lukas ran over to the window, watching to make sure Philip was gone before his dad came back. Once he disappeared onto the main road, Lukas reminded himself to breathe.

     “Lukas!” Bo barked, coming back in through the sliding glass door. “Where the hell were you?”

     “Uh, bathroom.” He mumbled. “Sorry.”

     Bo sighed loudly, clearly irritated that he had to search the entire property for his son. “Well come on, I need your help with the tractor.”

 

**Day Twenty Six**

It was past ten by the time Lukas had gotten home from Rose’s house that night, but he had made sure to tell his dad not to wait up, so when he walked in to find Bo sitting at the table, he knew something was up.

     “Had fun at your girlfriend’s house?” Bo’s words seemed to mesh together in a way that struck Lukas.

      _He’s drunk._

      _Fuck, what did I do?_

_Did he see Philip leaving yesterday?_

     Slowly, Lukas walked into the kitchen with his head bowed. An empty bottle of scotch sat on the table.

     “Lemme tell you a little story,” Bo said, leaning a little too far forward in his chair. “I’m outside feeding the turkeys when I get a call from the school. Now, imagine my surprise when they tell me that _my son_ is failing his economics class.”

    _Oh, shit._

      _Since when am I failing?_

_I guess I haven’t really checked my grades recently…_

_Fuck._

     “A-are you sure he said failing?” Lukas asked quietly. Bo’s bloodshot eyes narrowed.

     “Am I sure he said failing?” He mocked. “Do I look deaf, boy? What kind of sponsors you think you’ll be getting failing a class like economics? Nobody’s gonna be wantin’ some illiterate country kid! No, they’re wantin’ kids with a brain between their ears!”

     “I’m not-I-I’ve just-I’ve been-”

     “No, I know exactly what you been doin’, Lukas.” Bo said, his voice dangerously low. Lukas’s breathing grew shallow.

      _He doesn’t._

      _He’s bluffing._

_He’s drunk._

_Breathe._

     “You’ve been dickin’ around in class and hangin’ out with that girl of yours so much it’s startin’ to affect your grades.”

     “Dad, I-”

     Bo slammed his fist on the table causing Lukas to jump. “Did I ask for excuses?” He stood from his chair so abruptly that it clattered to the floor. He took a few wobbly steps closer to Lukas. Instinctively, Lukas took a few backwards.

     “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll do better.”

     Bo jabbed a finger into Lukas’s chest. “Damn right you’ll do better.” As he turned away he muttered, “economics, what kind of faggot fails a class like economics?”

     Lukas, who was holding the bottle of scotch about to put it away, gripped the neck of it so intensely he was surprised it didn’t shatter. He knew he should hold his tongue and let his dad continue upstairs with his rant, but Lukas couldn’t.

     “What kind of alcoholic drinks an entire bottle of scotch?” He fired back, his words vicious and sharp.

     Turning on a dime, Bo whipped around, took two long strides towards his son, and shoved him hard enough to make him stumble. The bottle slipped from Lukas’s fingers and fell to the floor, littering pieces of glass on the hardwood.

     “Don’t you talk back to me, boy.” Bo growled. Lukas said nothing but refused to flinch even as his dad’s sour breath washed over him. Bo drew back his hand then brought it down hard across Lukas’s cheek. “I don’t want to hear another word come out of your damn mouth the rest of the night.”

     Lukas’s cheek throbbed. He gingerly touched it with two fingers as if the pain alone wasn’t enough evidence that he had actually been hit.

     “Clean that up.” Bo pointed to the broken bottle on the floor then headed up the stairs, leaving Lukas shocked and taken aback in the kitchen.

    _He’s never hit me before._

     Almost robotically, Lukas stooped to pick up the glass. His cheek still burned but Lukas ignored it. His head was spinning. He couldn’t process what happened and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. After the glass was picked up, Lukas numbly walked to his room and went to bed.

 

**Day Twenty Seven**

Like they do all other Saturdays that aren’t taken up by motocross races, Lukas and Bo worked on the property. Neither of them talked to, or even acknowledged, the other as they worked on their tasks.

     After raking the leaves, mucking the stalls, picking up sticks in the yard, fixing the coops, and cleaning the gutters, Lukas was out of things to do.

      _There’s no fucking way I’m going back to the house._

     He slowly made his way to the barn, knowing all the chores that needed to be done there were completed so he wouldn't run into his dad.

      _I could work on the signs.._

     Lukas gazed over at the pile of turkey signs he still needed to make and sighed.

    _Nah._

     Instead, he plopped down on a bale of hay, plugged in his headphones, and closed his eyes.

     Despite his body begging for a nap, Lukas couldn’t fall asleep and by the time he got tired of trying, the sun had already gone down. He checked his phone but the only texts where from Rose and Philip, both about irrelevant things. He didn’t respond to either.

    _I guess we’re not going for pizza._

_Dad would’ve gotten me by now._

_Whatever, I’m not hungry anyways._

     His stomach rumbled in protest.

    _I’ll eat later._

     Lukas sat up and wandered over to the turkey coop. They gobbled happily as he grabbed a handful of feed and tossed bits of it at their feet. Even after there wasn’t any feed left in his hand, Lukas still stood by the coop until enough time had passed that he was sure his dad was asleep. Once it had, he quietly made his way back to the house.

 

**Day Twenty Eight**

_‘be there in ten. is everything okay?? you’ve been ignoring my texts.’_

     Lukas reread the text from Philip as he paced around the small cabin.

  _Where the hell is he?_

_Shouldn’t he be here by now?_

     He took in a sharp breath. As if on cue, Philip walked through the door.

     “Hey,” he said, breathlessly. “What’s up? Did you want to shoot some footage or something?”

     Lukas sat on the bed and avoided Philip’s gaze. “No, I, uh, I don’t really have anything for us to do, I just didn’t want to be by myself.”

     “What about Rose?”

     “What about her?”

     “Couldn’t you have called her?”

  _Yeah, but she’s not the one I wanted to be around right now._

     “I guess.” Lukas stood up again. “You know, never mind. It’s fine, I was just bored. You can go home.”

     Philip dropped his head. “Sorry, I just-I don’t know why I asked that.” Lukas studied him for a moment before sitting back down. “Is everything okay?”

     “Everything’s fine,” Lukas lied as he swung his legs up and stretched out on the bed. “I just want to...I just want to lay here and listen to music.”

     “Oh, so that’s why you called me and not Rose,” Philip joked, pulling a chair out from the tiny round table to sit on. “Because you know my music is better than both of yours.”

     A shadow of a smile appeared on Lukas’s face. He grabbed the pillow from under his head and hurled it at Philip.

     “Shut up and play something.”

     Philip grinned but obliged. A slow, almost sleepy, R&B song played from his phone. Lukas took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He’d been avoiding his dad since Friday night’s incident. The whole thing made Lukas feel utterly overwhelmed and exhausted, but he had only managed to get a couple hours of sleep since then. He wasn’t sure why he’d invited Philip over to the cabin, but he knew that being around Philip made him feel relaxed and he selfishly hoped Philip’s presence would, if nothing else, dissolve some of the tension that’d been keeping him up.

     As the songs went on, Lukas noticed a pattern. All the songs Philip had been playing were the kind of songs one would listen to on a dreary day or at three in the morning alone in a bedroom. They were soft and eerie, designed to lull the listener into a sort of trance. It was as if Philip knew exactly the type of music Lukas needed in that moment: the kind that healed.

     At some point, Philip had moved from the chair to the floor beside the bed. Lukas heard the scuffle as he shifted and put his head on the pillow Lukas threw earlier. He heard him take in a deep breath and pictured Philip’s chest rising and falling with it. Lukas moved his hand just enough for his fingers to dangle off the edge of the bed and brush against Philip’s hair.

     Philip pretended as if he didn’t feel it.

     Without even realizing it, Lukas fell asleep for a while until he was woken up again by the shrill sound of Philip’s phone ringing.

     “It’s Helen,” Philip murmured but he didn’t take the call. Lukas sat up.

     “You have to go then?”

     “Yeah, I should before she sends out a squadron to look for me.” Philip fiddled with his phone then stood up. Lukas stood too, but before he could lead him to the door, Philip pulled him into a hug. For just a second, Lukas was completely still then he cautiously wrapped his arms around Philip and pressed his nose into Philip’s neck.

      _Stop._

     Lukas fought the voice in his head for a minute longer then let go of Philip and took a few steps back. He cleared his throat.

     “That never happened,” Lukas told him. “Got it?”

     Philip rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are a few of the songs Philip played for Lukas:
> 
> Luving U by 6LACK  
> Alone by Lund  
> Ghost Towns by Radical Face  
> I'm On Fire by AWOLNATION  
> White Ferrari by Frank Ocean  
> Anchor by Novo Amor  
> Keep on Loving You by Cigarettes After Sex  
> Lights by Vexento  
> Wicked Games by The Weeknd  
> Reactor by Fractures


	8. Week Five: part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I know this one is a little rushed and short but I wanted to get in an update for everyone before finals week. I promise I'll make up for this sub par one next update!! It's gonna be good ;) Also, a big thanks to everyone who's been coming back to read more, it means so much me and I appreciate every single one of you.

**Day Twenty Nine**

“Alright so basically,” Philip plugged a USB cord into the side of Lukas’s computer, “all you really have to do is upload it then go to your channel and…”

     Philip continued his instructions on how to get the videos of Lukas’s air onto his channel but Lukas wasn't paying attention. He was more concerned with how close Philip’s cheek was to his own. As he sat in the chair in front of the computer, Philip hovered over his shoulder, his face dangerously close to Lukas’s, and pointed at things on the screen he wanted Lukas to click on.

     The way Philip’s lips curved around certain words captivated Lukas. He watched as Philip spoke but didn’t take in anything he was saying. At times, he’d point again at the screen and his face got just a fraction of an inch closer to Lukas’s as he leaned in.

    _If I turned my head just a little more, I’d be kissing him._

_Or his cheek at least._

     But Lukas didn’t try. Instead, he remained statue like so he wouldn’t disturb the small inch or two of space between them. However not moving didn’t make the urge to turn his head that little amount go away. Lukas sucked in his lips and channeled his nervous energy into bouncing his knee. He looked down at Philip’s knuckles against the desk.

     “Wait, go back.” Philip said, nudging Lukas’s shoulder and pulling him out of his trance. “Click on that button. It should give you a preview of what clips you want to upload so you can pick which one’s best.”

     Lukas clicked on the icon Philip was pointing to then cautiously moved his gaze back to Philip’s profile. His eyes were squinting slightly as he looked over the clips on the screen. His jaw clenched. Lukas bounced his knee faster under the desk.

      _Stop._

_You’re not this guy._

     “I, uh, I think you should just do this.” Lukas cleared his throat and stood up. “You know what you’re doing, I’m just-”

     “You’re just the eye candy?” Philip joked.

     “What?” Lukas laughed nervously, stumbling as he tried to put some distance between them. He awkwardly stood at the entrance of the room and shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans.

     “You know,” Philip held up his fingers and took a picture of Lukas with the imaginary camera. “The eye candy. For the viewers.”

     “Right,” Lukas murmured.

     “I’ll work on it at Helen and Gabe’s,” Philip took the USB cord from the computer and wrapped it around his fingers. “I can probably get it up on your channel by tonight.” Lukas nodded and quickly herded Philip out the door to where his bike was waiting outside. He grabbed a helmet off the handlebars and tossed it to Philip.

     “I think it’s my turn to drive, don’t you think?” Philip said, tugging on his helmet.

     Lukas laughed. “Hah! Yeah, right. I hope you’re joking.” The grin on Philip’s face told him he was. “No one’s allowed to ride my bike but me.”

     “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.”

 

**Day Thirty**

Lukas wasn’t surprised to find Rose at his locker after his third class that day. He hadn’t been the most attentive or affectionate of boyfriends the past few weeks and while he felt a little guilty for it, it wasn’t enough to make him go out of his way to fix anything.

     “Hey,” he said dully, kissing her temple then unlocking his locker.

     “Did Tommy tell you about the party he’s throwing Friday?” Rose asked, squeezing his arm. “We’re definitely going, so tell your dad you’re going to be out-I don’t know-studying or something.”

     Lukas put his chemistry book into the locker. “Uh, okay.”

     “The best part is, we don’t even have to bring our own booze!” She jumped up and down excitedly at his side. “Tracy said there’ll be plenty there. I guess her older brother is buying.”

     “Wait, since when do Tommy and Tracy throw parties? Do they even drink?”

     Rose shrugged. “Maybe they’re tired of being looked at as the goody two shoes, you know? As long as they’re providing the booze and a place to drink it at, no one really cares whether they’re drinking too or not. Why does it matter? I already told Tracy we’d go.”

     “It’s fine, I was just-”

     “Speak of the devils-hey!”

     Tommy clapped Lukas on the back just as Tracy came up behind Rose.

     “So, you guys coming Friday?” Tommy asked. Lukas nodded, closing his locker behind him. “Cool. Spread the word, yeah?”

     “Of course,” Rose promised. The bell shrilled overhead and after exchanging a few more pleasantries with Rose, Tommy and Tracy headed hand in hand to their next class. “You’re coming over after school, right?” Rose asked, kissing Lukas’s cheek.

     “Yeah, sure.” He pressed his lips together in a thin smile then left for his class.

 

“Hey!” Lukas said, holding his phone up to his ear with his shoulder as he unscrewed a jar of strawberry jelly. “I don’t have much time, I gotta go to Rose’s in a bit, but I wanted to know if you got that footage up on my channel yet.”

     “Yeah, actually,” Philip said on the other end of the line. “And I think you’ve gotten a couple views on it too.”

     Lukas slathered the jelly onto a piece of bread then shoved it into his mouth. “Sweet,” he said through a mouthful of food. “I’m gonna try to get more people to see it at Tommy’s party Friday.”

     “Tommy’s having a party?”

     Lukas couldn’t tell from his voice whether Philip was upset he hadn’t heard about it or if he was just curious.

     “Yeah.”

      _Is he going?_

_What’ll happen if he shows up?_

_I’ll be with Rose-I can’t-_

_Fuck, everyone’ll know._

     “Are you going?” Lukas asked tentatively.

    _Please say no._

     There was still, of course, that nagging part of him that wanted Philip to go. It was the stubborn little glow of hope inside Lukas’s chest that wouldn’t allow him to let go of Philip. A shy but bright flame of curiosity that kept Lukas up at night and refused to die down despite all of his attempts to snuff it out.

     “Probably not.”

      _Thank god._

 

**Day Thirty One**

“Did Trevy Tools call yet?” Lukas asked in a controlled tone to imply he wasn’t too overly excited about a possible yes. To further prove his indifference, he looked down at his plate and picked at the slightly dried out chicken and green beans looking back at him.

     “No.” Bo said gruffly.

     Lukas opened his mouth briefly then decided not to poke at the already dead conversation. For the next few moments the only sounds were the silverware clinking against the plates and an occasional cough or sniffle until Bo broke the silence.

     “I’m leaving Friday morning to go see a tractor someone’s auctionin’ off.” He shoveled the rest of the chicken in his mouth, wiped his lips with a napkin, then continued. “I’ll be stayin’ the night at your uncle’s, he lives around that area and I told him I’d stop by to see that new kid of their’s…”

     He looked up at Lukas, waiting for a response. Lukas didn’t give him one.

     The table clattered as Bo stood up to take his dishes to the sink. Lukas still refused to look up from his plate. Bo heaved a sigh then left, leaving Lukas and his pathetic plate of food alone.

     His phone pulsed twice against Lukas’s thigh which meant Philip. He opened the text to find a link with the following message:

    _‘think you could do this??’_

     The link brought Lukas to a video of a professional on a bike jumping a decently sized pond. A tiny smile crept across Lukas’s face.

      _‘that’s savage, man, but there’s no way in hell my bike would be able to jump something like that’_

     Lukas stuffed the phone back in his pocket and took one more bite of chicken before getting up from the table. By the time he washed his plate and made it back up to his bedroom, Philip had replied.

    _‘ :( ’_

 

**Day Thirty Two**

_Fucking economics._

_What’s the Phillip’s curve again?_

_Jesus Christ._

_I should've studied._

     Lukas, desperate to be done with his test, circled an answer that looked vaguely familiar. He glanced at the clock. Bo had talked Lukas’s economics teacher into letting him retake one test in an attempt to get his grade up, but Lukas was still struggling with the answers the second time around.

      _Shit, school’s been out for half an hour already._

_How much longer is this going to take?_

_Fuck, I just wanna be done._

     He went through the rest of his questions in a rush, circling whatever letter popped out most at him, then handed it into his teacher.

     “Think you got it this time around, Lukas?” Mr. Anderson asked, tucking the test into a drawer.

     “We’ll see,” he mumbled. “See you tomorrow.”

     Rose was waiting outside the doors and wrapped her arms around Lukas’s neck the moment he stepped into the hall. “Babe, would you be able to take us to the party tomorrow? My mom’s taking the car so I won’t have anything to drive.”

    “Yeah, sure, whatever.” He gave her a quick kiss then wiggled out of her arms and headed down the hall.

     “Hey!” She called after him. “Do you wanna come over in a few?”

     Lukas was about to respond just as his phone vibrated twice in his coat pocket.

_‘meet me @ the tunnel in ten? I have to show you something.’_

      His thumbs danced over the keyboard.

      “Lukas?”

      Lukas snapped his head up to see Rose walking towards him.

      “I, uh, I have to go help my dad with the tractor.” Lukas reached out to give Rose’s hand a small squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow and, uh, we can probably hang after the party too.”

     Rose sucked on her lips. “Okay,” she said finally, letting her hand fall back to her side. “Who’s that?” She nodded towards the phone in Lukas’s hand.

      _Shit, shit._

_Can she see the message?_

     Lukas shrugged and nonchalantly tucked the phone away. “You know,” he said, “it’s-it’s my dad.” Lukas took a step backwards and pointed to the exit at the end of the hall. “Yeah, so, I, uh, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.” Before Rose could protest or ask more questions, Lukas took off.

 

“Check it out,” Philip said, digging into his messenger bag and pulling out a thick wad of pictures. “I got them all developed.”

     “Shit, dude,” Lukas breathed, taking a couple from the stack to look at. “These are sick.” Philip’s proud smile stretched all the way up to his eyes. He bashfully looked away.

     “Ah, they’re alright.”

     They sat up against one of the tunnel’s concrete slabs, a foot of space between them, as they quietly sifted through all the pictures Philip had taken. They were beautiful. Most of them were sharp clear shots of Lukas mid air, some were of Lukas standing with his bike, and a couple were candids of Lukas taking off his helmet and biting into a granola bar as he sat on the bike.

     In each picture Lukas looked _more_. The Lukas in the pictures was the Lukas that was someone. They were glossy 4x6 snapshots of a boy who had a spot in the world, a boy that mattered.

      _I look like the pros._

     Philip knocked his knee against Lukas’s and handed him a picture. “Look at this one.”

     It was Lukas grinning at the camera, water dribbling down his lips and hanging off his chin, as he held up a water bottle. Lukas snorted.

     “This one’s better,” he grabbed the next one from the stack. “This one’s a good one.” He ran a thumb over the picture. It was the only one Lukas saw that had Philip in it, but even this one didn’t _really_ have Philip in it. Only the top half of his face made the picture. Lukas was off in the background mid jump. Lukas could tell by Philip’s eyes he had been smiling when he took it and wished Philip had managed to include that in the picture too.

     Philip snatched the picture back, pink flooding his cheeks. “I didn’t mean to print that one.”

     “I like it.”

     Philip looked over at Lukas and held his gaze for a tad longer than necessary. It made Lukas feel transparent, like Philip could see right through him at all the gnarled ugly things inside him. He squirmed against the concrete.

    _Did that sound gay?_

_What’s he looking at me for?_

_His knee is still touching mine._

_Shouldn’t he have moved it back by now?_

_Should I move mine?_

_He’s got pretty eyes._

_Stop it._

     Lukas looked away.

     “So, uh, you put any filters on these?”


	9. Week Five: part two

**Day Thirty Three**

_Shit, maybe I should slow down._

     Lukas picked a spot on the wall across from him to focus on while he sat on the couch at Tommy's party. No matter how much he squinted and concentrated, the room around him was still spinning and buzzing with people. He glanced down at the beer in his hand. Over half the can was still left.

      _Fuck it, might as well finish this one._

     “Hey man!” Tommy plopped next to him on the couch, a beer of his own in his hand. “What’d’ya think?” He asked, his words mashing together. “Nice party, huh?”

     Lukas nodded. He swirled the beer in the can once then took a few long sips. Tommy spread his arms out over the top of the couch. His fingers fell close to Lukas’s ear. “This is my first time drinking,” he said loudly even though there wasn’t much need to. “I feel…” he took a deep breath and smacked his lips together. “Drunk.”

     Lukas held up his can. “Me too.” He took another gulp before setting it down on the coffee table in front of him and digging his phone out of his pocket. There was only one text staring back at him and it wasn’t from Philip, though, the single buzz tone could’ve told him that.

      _‘Pick up eggs and bread before I get home tomorrow. Should be back by noon.’_

     He shoved the phone away without responding to his dad.

  _Why doesn’t he just fucking get them himself on his way back?_

     “Baby!” Rose squealed, bounding over to where Lukas and Tommy were sitting on the couch. She threw her arms around Lukas’s neck and sat on his lap. “You having fun?”

      _I’m tipsy if that counts._

     Lukas pressed his lips together. “Yep.”

     “Good!” She kissed his cheek. “I’m going to Lauren’s, all the girls are staying the night there.” Rose fished around in her purse then handed Lukas ten dollars. “Get Stephen to take you back so you’re not driving the bike. He’s DD for a couple other people, but I told him I’d give him money if he took you home too, so make sure you give that to him.”

     “Mmm.” Lukas paused. His eyebrows scrunched together as he processed what she said. “Wait, wait, who’s Stephen again?” Rose pointed to a scrawny kid in a Nirvana t-shirt hovering by the front door.

     “That kid. He’s in one of my classes.” She grabbed Lukas’s face with both her hands, kissed him, then stood up. “Promise me you’ll go with Stephen and leave the bike here.”

      _There’s no way I’m hitching a ride with that band nerd._

     “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

     “Call me when you get home, too.” Rose blew him a kiss before running off to join the group of girls waiting by the stairs. Next to Lukas, Tommy belched.

     “Shit,” he laughed then clumsily stood up from the couch. “I’ll be back.”

     “I’ll be waitin’,” Lukas mumbled sarcastically, picking up his beer from the coffee table.

    _Why am I even here?_

      _What’s the fucking point?_

     He tossed back what was left in the can then pulled his phone back out. After blinking a couple of times, the screen came into focus enough for Lukas to click on Philip’s number.

     “Hello?”

     “Heeey,” Lukas stumbled over to the front door and out onto the porch so he could hear Philip better. “What’re you doin’?”

     “Uh, nothing, why? Are you still at that party?”

     “Mhmm.” Lukas kicked a plastic cup near his foot. “You gotta car?”

     “No.”

     “Helen does.”

     “What? No, are you kidding me? What do you need a car for?”

     “I need a ride home. Can’t take the bike, too drunk.”

     Philip sighed. “I can’t take Helen’s car, she’s a cop, dude.”

     “Well I can’t take the bike.”

     “You can walk.”

     “By myself? In the dark? Shit, Philip, you want me to get murdered?” Philip was silent. “If you were really my friend you’d come get me,” Lukas said just seriously enough to make Philip question whether or not Lukas would be upset if he didn’t come. “Come on, man. Don’t’cha wanna hang out with me?” For a moment, Lukas thought he had hung up but when he checked the screen the call was still going.

     “I’m not taking Helen’s car.”

     “Fine, fine, whatever. But you’re still comin’ right?”

     “Just-” Philip took in a sharp breath. “Tell me where you are.”

     Lukas sat on the porch steps and waited until Philip showed up. Every once in a while, a random couple would wander outside then get bored and go back. While he was waiting, Lukas figured he probably could’ve taken the bike home if he had gone slow but before he could act on it, Philip appeared on his bike at the end of the driveway.

     “Can we go now?” Philip asked, not bothering to hide the irritation in his voice, as he walked up to where Lukas was sitting. “I have to get back before Helen and Gabe realize I’m gone. They should be sleeping but-”

     The door burst open and Tommy tumbled out onto the porch with something in his hand. “Lukas!” He exclaimed, making his way over. “I found my camera, time to shot gun another one so I can get a picture of it!”

     “Next time,” Lukas waved him off. “I gotta go home-”

     “What kind of camera you got?” Philip interjected, his interest piqued.

     Tommy shrugged. “I dunno. Dad got it for me.” He handed Philip the camera.

     “No way, this is one of those expensive DSLRs! I bet the resolution on this thing is amazing. I have a shittier version of this-well I had one.” Philip handed the camera back and shoved his hands deep into his pockets as if he was worried they’d betray him and snatch back the camera. “I, uh, I got some water on it today and now it won’t turn on.”

     “Shit, dude, that sucks.” Tommy said. “You can borrow this one if you ever wanna.”

     Lukas stood up, clapped Tommy on the back, then nodded once. “Good party,” he stated before heading towards the end of the driveway where Philip’s bike was waiting for them.

     “Hey!” Philip called after him, running to catch up to Lukas. “What, you just gonna take my bike and leave me here?”

     Lukas couldn’t tell if he was joking. “I wasn’t gonna take it…” He mumbled. He stuck the toe of his shoe into the gravel as Philip picked up his bike. “Sorry ‘bout your camera.” Philip shrugged but Lukas could still see he was upset.

     “I should’ve been more careful with it, I guess. I’ll just have to use my phone to shoot your air next time.”

 

“You think aliens are out there somewhere?” Lukas asked absentmindedly as he looked up at the sky. They’d been walking for ten or fifteen minutes but they still weren’t close to the Waldenbeck property. “I think-oh shit-” he tripped over his feet and laughed as he tried to regain his balance. “Eyes on the road, eyes on the road.” Beside him, Philip couldn’t fight the smile tugging at his lips.

     “I think we’re the aliens.”

     Lukas’s eyes widened. “Woah. Savage mindfuck right there.” He turned to look at Philip who was walking his bike next to them. Without any street lights and the alcohol still making things unclear, Lukas couldn’t tell if Philip was looking back at him or not. Before he could realize what he was going to say, Lukas blurted, “When did you know you were gay?”

  _Holy shit, why did I say that?_

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Is it too late to go back to Tommy’s?_

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_Jesus, think before you speak._

     He quickly looked away but Philip answered as if Lukas had asked what his favorite day of the week was.

     “I don’t know,” Philip said simply. “I never really had to think about it.”

     Philip’s answer only spurred a whole other set of questions.

      _How did you figure it out?_

_Did you ever like girls?_

_How do you know if you actually like girls, though?_

_What if you're just attracted to one boy? Is it still gay then?_

_Fuck, what am I doing? I’m not gay._

_I have a girlfriend._

_Shit, I hope I didn’t say any of this outloud._

     Lukas glanced over at Philip for a clue to whether or not he voiced any of his thoughts. He couldn’t find one.

      _I need to go to bed._

 

Neither of them spoke again the rest of the way to Lukas’s house, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable type of silence. By the time they got back it was nearly midnight.

     “Wanna come in?” Lukas asked once they reached the front of his house. Philip glanced down at his phone, the screen lit up his face.

     “Uh, it’s late, I-”

     “I helped you inside when you were drunk off your ass.”

     The memory of that day brought a pink tinge to Philip’s cheek. Luckily, it was dark enough that Lukas didn’t catch it.

     “I was worse off.”

     “I dunno…” Lukas shot him a grin then hunched over and faked a dry heave. “Aw man, I shouldn’t have drank so much-” another faked gag, “shit, I think I’m gonna be sick the rest of the night-”

     Philip shook his head but still kept a small smile. “Good thing your dad’s home.”

     “He’s not,” Lukas said between dry heaves. Philip rolled his eyes and took one of Lukas’s arms to pull him up.

     “You’re an idiot,” he said softly as they walked into the house. “Alright,” Philip sighed after Lukas fell onto the couch. “You’re inside. I really have to go now, Helen and Gabe-”

     “Just stay here,” Lukas mumbled into the couch cushions. He knew he should scold himself for offering but he wanted Philip to stay so badly that he couldn’t.

     “Wh-what?”

     Lukas sat up and gestured lamely to nothing in particular. “I dunno, just stay here. Sleep on the couch or some shit.”

     “Are you even still drunk?”

     “Not really, it’s-it’s just late and dark as shit and it’d be easier to go back in the morning.”

     Philip fiddled with his hands, toying with the idea in his head. “What if they wake up early and see I’m gone?”

     “Then-I don’t know-tell them you went to the store or something.” Lukas stood up, wobbled slightly, then plopped back down in the loveseat next to the couch. He gestured at the couch. “All yours.”

     Hesitantly, Philip walked over to the couch. He hovered near it for a moment before giving in and sitting down. “Well,” he said, feigning annoyance, “aren’t you going to get me some blankets?”

     A wide grin spread across Lukas’s face. “You want blankets too? Shit, you’re needy,” he said though he was already halfway to the closet where they kept the spares. A throw pillow flew into Lukas’s shoulder.

     “If we get busted I’m telling Helen and Gabe you were so drunk I had no choice but to stay with you to make sure you wouldn’t choke and die on your own puke.”

     Lukas chuckled. “Yeah, okay, whatever.” He threw a thick fleece blanket at Philip who caught it despite being in the middle of a yawn. “Don’t drool on my dad’s couch.”

     “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you told me to stay,” Philip fired back before rolling over on his side. Lukas smiled and grabbed another blanket for himself then settled into the loveseat and closed his eyes.

 

**Day Thirty Four**

Normally, Lukas hardly dreamt. He’d close his eyes and nothing but darkness would take over for a few hours until he woke up. He did have a few dreams here and there, but rarely ever did he have nightmares. When he did, Lukas was always able to tell they were coming. They’d start off eerily and gave off a sense of uneasiness, immediately setting Lukas’s senses on high alert. Before they could turn gorey or terrifying, Lukas could urge himself to dream something other. It’d only work if he was extremely persistent but often, if the dream was scary enough, he could do it. This one, however, started like a different kind of dream, the kind of dream Lukas only had once before.

     In the dream Lukas sat on the couch and Philip straddled his waist, slowly running his fingers through Lukas’s hair. The feeling of prying eyes wasn’t there, which should’ve been Lukas’s first clue that something was wrong, but all he felt was at peace. His hands rested on Philip’s hips.

     Philip carefully placed a kiss on Lukas’s cheek then another on his jaw bone. “I see you, Lukas,” he murmured in his ear. “You can’t keep hiding who you are.” Lukas said nothing. Philip dragged his finger in a straight line down Lukas’s neck, over his Adam’s apple, and down to the crux of his collarbone. Lukas gripped Philip’s hips. Like the other dream, this was a beautified filtered version of Philip that looked back at him.

     “You’re not real.” Lukas said. “You’re not Philip.”

     “If I’m not real, then what does that make you?”

     Lukas was about to respond when the front door burst open and Bo staggered in, heavy with the stench of liquor.

     “What the hell’s this, huh?” He growled, ripping Philip off Lukas and causing him to fall to the floor. As Philip began to pull himself back up, Bo aimed a swift kick into his gut. “You think you can pull my son into some gay shit of yours, eh? I won’t be havin’ a faggot for a son, you piece of foster care trash-” Philip groaned in pain and curled up into a ball on the floor as if it would protect him from any of Bo’s attacks.

     “Dad!” Lukas yelled, grabbing onto one of Bo’s thick arms in an attempt to pull him off Philip. “Dad, stop it, please!”

     “DON’T YOU TOUCH ME, BOY!” Bo roared and whipped around to give Lukas a beating of his own. Even though it was a dream, Lukas felt the full force of Bo’s knuckles slamming into his cheekbone. He wanted to scream, to kick, to fight back, but his body wouldn’t move. He felt suffocated in his own skin. Bo grabbed Lukas by his shirt and hoisted him up to eye level.

      _This isn’t real._

_It’s just a dream._

     “You think sponsors will accept you like this?” Bo said, his voice low and menacing. “They won’t.”

      _This isn’t real._

_Wake up._

_It’s just a nightmare._

_Come on, wake up!_

     Over Bo’s shoulder, Lukas saw Philip battered and left on the floor. His cheeks glistened from tear streaks.

    _This isn’t real._

_WAKE UP._

     Lukas shot awake, grasping at the loveseat as he tried to root himself back into reality. His heart felt as if it was trying to jump out of his chest.

      _It was just a dream._

     Just to be sure, he looked over at Philip who was curled up under the fleece blanket on the couch. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed.

     “Okay,” Lukas murmured to himself as he rubbed his temples. He let out a long breath and touched his cheeks, surprised to find them wet with tears. He quickly wiped them away then ventured into the kitchen for a glass of water. When he came back into the living room, Philip was awake and sitting on the edge of the couch. Lines from the cushions left faint indents into his cheeks and his hair flopped lazily over his forehead. Lukas felt an urge to brush it back like Philip did his in the dream.

     “Sorry if I woke you up,” Lukas mumbled.

     “What time is it?”

     Lukas grabbed his phone. Six missed calls from Rose glared back at him. “A little past two in the morning.” He shot Rose a short text so she’d know he was alive then tossed his phone onto the loveseat.

      _Fuck, I forgot to get Dad’s groceries._

     “What’s wrong?”

     “Huh? Nothing.” Lukas grabbed his coat off the hangar by the front door. “I-I’ll be right back-”

     “Wait-what?” Philip jumped off the couch and placed himself between Lukas and the front door. “Where are you going?”

     Lukas sighed and dropped his head so he wouldn’t have to meet Philip’s eyes. “I just-I had a nightmare so I'm not going back to sleep right now and I forgot to get my dad’s shit from the store so I might as well go now.”

     “At two in the morning?”

     Lukas shrugged.

     “Fine.” Philip grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulders. “Then I’m coming with you.”

 

“This was my old bike,” Lukas said as he pulled a rusting motocross bike out of the back of a shed. “It’s a piece of shit but it should still work for the most part. It’s a 125cc four stroke which is as basic as they make them unless you got like a 50cc two stroke or something-”

     Philip eyed the bike skeptically. “Does it fit two people?”

     “Yeah,” Lukas said but his tone wasn’t convincing. “You’ll just have to hold on pretty tight.”

     “I think we should just walk.”

     “Screw that.” Lukas straddled the bike and waited for Philip to do the same. “Come on.”

     “Are you even okay to drive this thing?"

     "I'm as sober as you."

     "No helmets?”

     “They’re at Tommy’s with my regular bike. Come on, dude, it’ll be fine. This thing goes slow as shit anyway. Don’t you trust me?”

     Philip crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not so sure anymore.”

     Lukas grinned and rolled his eyes. “Shut up and get on the bike.”

     Originally, Lukas’s plan was to go to the convenience store nearby the school but once they got on the road Lukas was too enticed by the prospect of having the entire highway to himself that he rode straight past the convenience store. When Philip realized they were merging onto the freeway, he clung to Lukas so tightly Lukas was having trouble breathing normally.

     “What the hell was that?” Philip asked breathlessly as they pulled into an empty Walmart parking lot. “Why didn’t we just go into town? Is this thing even street legal? And where the hell are we?”

     “Chill out, man.” Lukas chuckled. “We’re in the next town over, it’s got the closest Walmart.”

     “Why Walmart?”

     Lukas shrugged. “Why not?”

     Philip rolled his eyes and sighed. “Okay, whatever. Let’s just get the stuff and go.”

     Inside the store was just as abandoned as the parking lot save for two employees half asleep at their registers.

     “Hey, check these out!” Lukas grabbed a rubber bouncy ball from a bucket near an aisle and bounced it over towards Philip who was searching for the bread aisle. It bounced into his calf then rolled under a shelf.

     Philip ignored it. “You said bread and eggs, right?”

     “Yeah, but we can come back for those.” Lukas took Philip’s wrist and pulled him over to where the kids bikes were racked up, just begging someone to try them out. “I think you should get one of these babies.” He smirked, pulling an electric blue bike with training wheels out from the rack.

     “What’s that, a 450cc seven stroke?” Philip teased. Lukas was about to take another bike off the rack before Philip stopped him. “Wait, what if we get in trouble?”

     Lukas rolled his eyes. “Who’s gonna yell at us? The three employees up at the registers? Come on, dude, we got the whole place to ourselves.”

     “Okay, okay,” Philip stifled a yawn then grabbed a bike from the rack. “Race you to the craft section.”

 

“You cheated,” Lukas said, leaning his bike against a shelf that showcased wooden letters. “I would’ve beaten you if we had a fair start.”

     Philip shrugged, a coy smile on his lips. “Maybe you’ve just gotten so used to your fancy automated bike that now you’re shit at a regular one.” He wandered over to the Sharpie display and plucked one to test on his hand.

     “Screw you,” Lukas laughed. “Oh hey, wait, let me see.” Philip handed him the marker. “No, your hand.”

     “What? Why?”

     “I’m gonna tell you your future.”

     Philip put his hand in Lukas’s. “This’ll be good.”

     Lukas studied the lines of Philip’s palm and ran his fingers over them. He wanted to see how well their hands fit together but he stopped himself and kept his touch feather light. “Uh, see this one?” He touched a line near the top of Philip's palm. “This is your life line and, well, it’s pretty short so I’d probably start on my bucket list if I were you.”

     While Philip was almost certain Lukas was just giving him shit, he leaned closer to look at his palm himself. He pointed to a longer line. “I think that’s the life one.”

     Lukas shook his head. “Nah, that’s the bullshit line. It means you’re full of it.”

     Philip yanked his hand back and jabbed Lukas in the side.

     “You’re the one full of bullshit!”

     “Yeah, yeah, come on, we still gotta get the bread and eggs.”

     “How are we gonna get them back? You got a secret compartment in your shitty bike to put it all in or something?”

      Lukas stopped in his tracks and held up a single finger. “First of all, it’s not shitty, it’s just _shittier_.”

     “Lukas, it’s rusting.”

     “Second of all, no secret compartment so you’re gonna have to hold onto the bag.”

     “Damn it.”

 

By the time they got back to the Waldenbeck’s house, it was nearly four in the morning. They’d stopped by Tommy’s and switched the older bike for Lukas’s regular one, which was still waiting for him on the lawn, (“I’ll come back for the old one tomorrow. Maybe.”) then dropped off the mostly intact bread and eggs before Lukas took Philip back to Helen and Gabe’s so he wouldn’t have to sneak in when there was a greater chance they’d be awake. Lukas was so exhausted once he got home that he didn’t bother to make the trip up the stairs and instead passed out where Philip had slept a few hours prior on the couch.

     Lukas slept so heavily that he wasn’t even woken by the sound of his dad coming home. He didn’t dream, but he was partially convinced that the Walmart trip with Philip was one. When he finally got off the couch, the day was already half over.

     “Any particular reason you slept down here?” Bo asked once Lukas wandered into the kitchen.

     “I was watching a movie.”

     “What movie?”

      _Fuck, it’s too early for this._

_What do I say, what do I say?_

_What was the last movie I watched?_

_Shit, I’m taking too long he’s gonna know I’m lying._

     “The one with, uh-” Lukas rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Er-Star Wars. Yeah, yep, I watched Star Wars.”

     Bo said nothing and Lukas snatched an apple from the fridge then ran up to his room before his dad could ask any more questions.

 

**Day Thirty Five**

“What the hell is this, Lukas?” Rose, visibly angry, held out her phone towards Lukas as she stood in the doorway of the Waldenbeck’s house. Lukas squinted but he couldn’t read what the text said.

     “I dunno, what is it?”

     “It’s a text from Stephen saying you left the party without him.” She shoved the phone in her purse. “I went out of my way to make sure you had a safe ride home and you shit all over it!”

      _Jesus Christ, here we go._

     “I didn’t-Rose, come on,” Lukas sighed. “I’m sorry, okay?”

     “And not only that, but you didn’t call or text me either until almost three in the morning! You could’ve been dead for all I knew.”

     Lukas glanced upstairs where his dad was. “Can you please, just, stop yelling. You’re gonna wake up my dad.”

     Rose raised her eyebrows. “Yelling?” She laughed once but there wasn’t any humor in it. “I’m not yelling. I’m just-I was worried about you. I even gave you money to get home and you didn’t use it.”

     “Is that why you’re mad? You want the money back? I can get it-”

     “It’s not about the money.”

     “Then what’s it about? I got home safe and I texted you so I don’t get why you’re so upset.”

     Rose took in a deep breath. “How _did_ you get home?”

     “I walked.”

     Technically, it wasn’t a lie which made Lukas feel less guilty saying it. Rose didn't respond and Lukas could see the fight inside her dying down as her muscles relaxed.

     “I just want you to be safe, babe.” She said, her voice softer. “And when I arrange a DD, I expect you to use it.

     Lukas nodded. “Sorry. I’ll do better next time.” He reached out and pulled her into a hug. “Wanna stick around? There’s popcorn in the kitchen.”


	10. Week Six: part one

**Day Thirty Six**

The long dreary sentences in Lukas’s economics book blurred together into one giant text block the longer Lukas looked at them. He wanted nothing more than to slam the book shut and do something-anything-else, but he knew if he failed the next test he’d have an even harder time trying to raise his grade.

     Lukas pulled the top off a bright highlighter with his teeth and with a sharp breath, sent it flying into the side of Philip’s neck. Philip, who was lying next to Lukas on the bed, swatted at him with his eyes closed.

     “You’re supposed to be studying,” he said.

     “Yeah, well, you’re supposed to be helping me, not taking a nap.” Lukas shot back.

     Philip stretched out his legs but still didn’t open his eyes. “I think you need more help than I can give.”

     “Screw you,” Lukas laughed, highlighting a term that looked important. “Hey, how do you measure inflation?”

     “Uh, consumer price index.”

     Lukas repeated the answer under his breath as he scribbled it into the margins of his textbook. He glanced over at Philip next to him and watched his chest rise and fall for a moment. Looking at Philip relaxed and at ease made Lukas even more tired. He stifled a yawn. For a brief second, he felt an urge to put his head on Philip’s chest and fall asleep. He wondered if he’d be able to hear Philip’s heart beating.

      _Stop._

_Focus._

     He quickly turned back to the textbook.

  _The four limitations of GDP include: negative externalities, underground activities, nonmarket activities-_

_This is so fucking boring._

     Lukas chewed on the end of his pen before touching it to the textbook and doodling whatever shapes popped into his head. After a good ten minutes of drawing, Lukas had decorated all the margins on that page.

  _Shit, now what?_

     He let out a long drawn out sigh then slouched so he was almost lying down. His arm brushed against Philip’s.

   “I’d rather fall and bust my shoulder again than do this shit,” Lukas mumbled. Philip didn’t respond but Lukas wasn’t expecting him to. He groaned then flipped the page of his book as slowly as he possibly could.

    _I’d rather throw myself into the street than do this shit._

_Or set myself on fire._

_GDP per Capita is the GDP divided by population and indicates the quality of life-_

     “What’s the difference between GDP per Capita and regular GDP?”

     Again, Philip didn’t respond. Lukas sat up and nudged Philip’s arm.

    _Did he seriously fall asleep?_

_Lucky bastard._

     Without thinking, Lukas gingerly reached out and touched a piece of hair curling over Philip’s forehead. He ran his finger over Philip’s eyebrow, across his eyelashes, then down the bridge of his nose, pulling back just before it dipped into his lips.

    _His lips…_

     Lukas’s fingertip hovered over them. He could feel Philip’s breath on his hand.

      _Don’t._

    _Stop it._

     Immediately, he drew back his hand.

      _GDP has a large impact on nearly everyone in that economy-_

     Lukas slammed the book shut harder than he’d meant to. “What’s the fucking point?” he murmured as he picked at the worn edges of the textbook.

     “The point is to pass the test,” Philip said quietly.

     Lukas’s stomach dropped.

  _He wasn’t asleep._

_Oh god, Jesus, fuck!_

_He’s gonna think I’m gay._

_Shit, shit, shit._

_I should’ve just kept studying._

_Karma really is a bitch._

_God damn it._

     He looked over at Philip, grateful that his eyes were still shut so he couldn’t see how red Lukas’s face was.

      _If he’d felt it, wouldn’t he have done something? Stopped me?_

_Maybe he didn’t feel it._

_Maybe he was asleep._

_Yeah, he must’ve been._

     Philip took in a deep breath and Lukas quickly reopened his textbook. Even though he was looking at the text, Lukas could see a sliver of Philip sitting up and rubbing his eyes open. Lukas cleared his throat.

     “Will you hand me that highlighter?” Philip handed it to him. “Thanks.”

     Before Lukas could highlight the term he had his sights on, Philip took his hand and turned it over in his own. For a second time that day, Lukas’s stomach dropped.

  _What’s he doing?_

     “When’d you get this?” Philip asked as his thumb brushed over a thick scab between Lukas’s knuckles. Goosebumps crawled up Lukas’s arm at Philip’s touch.

     “Uh, a few days ago.”

     “How?”

      _He’s holding my hand._

     Lukas ducked his head but kept his hand in Philip’s.

     “Trying to help my dad with that fucking tractor,” he mumbled. “He should’ve just bought the new one at that auction.”

     Philip paused for a moment before asking another question. His thumb still skimmed over the valleys of Lukas’s knuckles. The rest of his fingers curled around Lukas’s. “Did it hurt?”

     Lukas took in a deep breath in an attempt to normalize his heart rate then shook his head. He lifted his head to look at Philip but Philip was studying Lukas’s hand. Lukas softly squeezed one of Philip’s fingers and Philip looked up at Lukas with the look that made him want to squirm. The one that made Lukas feel vulnerable and jittery.

      _Shit._

     Though the boys were the only ones in the Waldenbeck house, Lukas was sure he heard the front door open downstairs. He ripped his hand out of Philip’s as if he were on fire.

     “Wha-”

     Lukas was out the door and halfway down the stairs before Philip could finish his thought. He took in a shuddery breath once he saw the front door was still locked.

    _He’s not home._

    _It’s fine._

_I’m just hearing things._

     He chewed on his lip then climbed the stairs back to his room.

     “What’s wrong?” Philip asked, eyes wide.

     “I-I thought I heard something.” Lukas sat on the very edge of the bed and grabbed his textbook. “Can you, uh, explain the difference between GDP per Capita and regular GDP?”

 

**Day Thirty Seven**

“How’d that look?” Lukas asked breathlessly as he set down his bike’s kickstand.

     “Good,” Philip said, looking over the footage on his phone. “Really good. And doing it on the trails was a good idea, all the videos on your channel right now were filmed at the jump site.” Lukas shot him a grin then began the process of refueling the bike. “Lukas Waldenbeck, Lukas Waldenbeck!” Philip shouted jokingly as he held up his phone to Lukas’s face.

     “What are you doing?” He laughed, reaching for the gas can.

     “I’m interviewing you for, uh, motocross international magazine,” Philip said with a big smile. “How does it feel to be the world’s best pro racer?”

     Lukas stuck his tongue out at the camera. “Pretty damn good.”

     “Who inspired you and helped you out on your rise to success?”

     “Uh, well, I find myself to be a big inspiration. I mean I am the world’s best racer.”

     Philip frowned. “Come on, I don’t even get a shout out?”

     “Okay, okay, I guess I did have some help from this one kid… I can’t remember his name-”

     Philip jabbed Lukas’s ribs, biting back a smile. “You gonna go there, huh? Alright, well-” he put his hand to the imaginary bluetooth in his ear, “our sources are telling us there’s now a new world’s best pro racer, so I’m gonna go interview him. Sorry-wait-who are you again?”

     “You’re a dick,” Lukas chuckled. “Put it away and help me or we’re gonna have to walk back to the cabin.”

As soon as they got to the Waldenbeck’s cabin, Philip uploaded their newest video onto Lukas’s channel as Lukas sat next to him on the bed and watched. “So this is where all the videos are,” Philip pointed to a link on the website. “And this one is where I put some of the pictures we took when I had my camera.”

     “Hey, put savage somewhere in the bio.”

     “Savage,” Philip repeated with a chuckle.

     Lukas’s phone rang loudly and after seeing who it was, he debated for a few seconds whether or not to even answer it. Reluctantly, he accepted the call.

     “Hey.”

     “Hi, babe!” Rose chirped. “What’re you up to? Wanna come over?”

     Lukas looked over at Philip fiddling with the website on his phone. “Uh, I can’t. I-I have a shit load of homework to do.”

     “Oh,” she said, defeated. “Okay. Well, call me when you’re done. You’re never gonna believe what Lauren told me today.”

     “Okay, okay, talk to you later. Bye.”

     Philip looked up from his phone. “Who was that?”

     “Rose.”

     “Oh, right.” Philip let out a breath. “Your girlfriend. How long have you’ve been dating?”

     Lukas shrugged. “I dunno, a couple months.”

     “Do you…” Philip bit down on his lip. “Do you love her?”

     “What?” Lukas almost laughed. “No. I mean-I don’t know-why does it matter?”

     Philip shrugged. “Guess it doesn’t.”

 

**Day Thirty Eight**

The air hung thick and heavy outside of Helen and Gabe’s barn. Sitting on the hay bales, Lukas watched as gray clouds rolled slowly closer.

     “How do you find GDP per Capita?” Philip waved the flash card in front of Lukas’s face. “Come on, we did this-what-two days ago?”

     Lukas pulled his focus back to Philip. “Uh, per Capita...GDP divided by population.” While he meant it as a solid sentence, his voice curved making it a question and highlighting his doubts.

    “Ding ding ding.” Philip started to read another card but Lukas cut him off.

     “Why can’t we do this in your room? It’s gonna rain soon and the hay is making my ass go numb.”

     Philip looked out the barn doors so he wouldn’t have to face Lukas. “I don’t really have a room here.”

     “Yeah you do. I saw it, remember? I took you upstairs that night you got wasted.”

      _The night you said I was cute._

_The night you told me you’re gay._

     “That’s not my room, it’s just another guest bedroom. I sleep in the one on the main floor, but it’s still...I don’t know...it still doesn’t feel like it’s mine. I don’t want to intrude or something by bringing people inside.”

     Lukas chuckled. “Intrude? Dude, you’re living with them. That’s as intrusive as it gets.”

     That got a small smile from Philip as he turned back towards Lukas. “I’m surprised you know what intrusive means.”

     Lukas rolled his eyes and shoved Philip’s shoulder playfully. “It’s economics I’m failing, not english.”

     Outside the rain began to fall and the noise echoed throughout the barn. Philip set down the flash cards, hugged his knees to his chest, and watched the rain. Lukas studied Philip’s profile. His hair was curlier from the humidity before the rain fell and Lukas wanted to reach out and touch it again but instead he shoved his hands in his pockets. He counted how many times Philip clenched his jaw before Philip turned and caught him staring. Heat rushed to Lukas’s cheeks as he tore his gaze to the rain outside.

     “One day I’m going to get on my bike and drive all the way until I reach the west coast beaches,” Lukas said softly, his eyes still on the horizon.

     A corner of Philip’s mouth tugged upwards. “Yeah? I’d go south. To the Keys or somewhere. My mom likes Florida, but I’m not really sure she’s even been there.”

     “You gonna eat gator and get work strapping screaming kids into Cinderella rides at Disney World?”

     Philip’s smile grew, this time reaching his eyes. “You gonna eat In-N-Out Burger every day and trade your bike in for a surf board?”

     “Nah,” Lukas laughed. “I’d never trade my bike for anything...well, except for a better one.”

     A gust of wind sent the flashcards flying through the barn. Lukas tried not to laugh as he watched Philip scrambling to pick them up before they got soaked by the rain puddles at the front of the barn.

     “I hope you have these memorized,” Philip muttered as he sat back down on the hay bale, considerably closer to Lukas than he had been before. He handed Lukas the waterlogged flashcards and hugged his knees to his chest again. Lukas tossed the cards to the side.

     “I’m gonna make this test tomorrow my bitch.”

     “Good.”

     Lukas looked back out at the rain but he could feel Philip’s eyes still on him. He took in a deep breath. Philip waited a moment longer then turned back to look out the barn doors and carefully rested his head on the very corner of Lukas’s shoulder.

    _I shouldn’t be letting this happen._

     Slowly, Lukas glanced over at the top of Philip’s head, pressed into the side of his shoulder. His breathing grew shallow.

    _Just for a minute._

_Then that’s it._

_Then I’ll move away or something._

     He looked back at the rain and tried to focus on anything other than the fact that Philip was huddled up against him.

      _Five minutes._

_Five minutes then I’ll move._

     In his head, Lukas counted to sixty five times, stretching the seconds out a little longer than they should’ve been. By the time he reached sixty five times, he wasn’t entirely convinced it’d been five times and so he counted again just to make sure until he couldn’t procrastinate the seconds any more.

     “I should, uh, I should go.” He said finally. Philip lifted his head. “My dad’s probably waiting for me to get back to make dinner.”

     “You’ll get drenched.”

     “Yeah, well, I’ll get beat if I make my dad wait.” Lukas said it as a joke but he couldn’t deny the smidge of truth to it. He tugged on his helmet and walked over to where his bike was parked in the barn. “I’ll-I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

Surprisingly, Bo wasn’t in a sour mood when Lukas got home. Even after Lukas walked all the way upstairs to his room soping wet, Bo still kept his temper in check.

     “Finally got that damn tractor workin’,” Bo said proudly over their spaghetti dinner. “Nearly took my finger with it-” he held up his hand to show his poorly bandaged pinky finger.

     Lukas held up his own hand. “Tried to take a part of me too, remember?”

     Bo chuckled. “Damn thing’s a fighter.” He took a long sip of his water then asked, “how’s your grades comin’ along? I haven’t gotten another call so I take that as a good sign.”

     “Mmm,” Lukas nodded, his mouth full of pasta. “I’ve been getting help, tutoring and stuff, so that’s good. I got a test tomorrow but I think I’ll do alright.”

     “How ‘bout the signs for the turkey shoot? It’s next week, kid.”

  _Fuck._

_I forgot about the turkey signs._

_Damn it, how am I gonna finish them all by next week?_

_Shit._

     “I’ll-I’ll get them done.”

     Bo nodded. “And you know what comes after the shoot? Our own day of huntin’. You gettin’ excited for that?”

     “Yeah, totally.”

     Their father son day of hunting was something Lukas looked forward to. It was the one day a year he was guaranteed a pleasant attitude from Bo and the one day a year Lukas felt almost close to his dad. However the list of things he wasn’t looking forward to was growing from just his test tomorrow to all the work needed to finish the turkey signs before the shoot.


	11. Week Six: part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the show, they cut from the boys' first couple of kisses when it's light out to when it's dark and the boys are really into it by then and so I wrote in what I thought happened between that little time span. That's why there's a part in that last day that didn't happen in the show. Also, even though I started this as just the six weeks leading up to the night in the cabin, I'm going to write a couple of scenes from each episode (still in Lukas's POV) and add those to this story. Thank you for sticking with me and this story. I hope I've done both philkas and you guys justice.

**Day Thirty Nine**

_Three down, thirty two more to go._

     Lukas looked down at the finished turkey sign on the table in front of him and couldn’t help but feel a little proud despite only finishing three.

      _Time for a break._

     He pulled his phone out of his pocket and sat down on a hay bale with a loud sigh. Over the screen, Lukas saw his dad stumbling across the yard carrying a large cardboard box.

     “Dad, hey,” he said, running over to take the box from Bo’s hands. “What’s this-” Lukas looked up from the contents of the box and immediately recognized the cloudy haze of intoxication in Bo’s eyes.

      _That’s why he was stumbling._

     “Take it to the shed,” Bo huffed. “Can’t be havin’ it in the house anymore.”

     “But this is Mom’s stuff,” Lukas said quietly. He picked out an antique copper tea kettle from the box. “You can’t throw this out, we still use it!”

     Bo waved him away. “It’s mockin’ me, sittin’ there on the counter like she’s gonna come back and use it ‘fer her damn earl grey-”

     “Green,” Lukas corrected, setting the kettle back in the box. “She drank green tea, didn’t she?”

    _Fuck, I can’t remember._

     “Doesn’t matter.” Bo wrestled the box from Lukas making the trinkets inside rattle. “I won’t be havin’ it in the house.” He started heading towards the shed but Lukas grabbed onto his arm.

     “Dad, please, you can’t-”

     Bo yanked his arm from Lukas’s grip. “I won’t be havin’ my own son tellin’ me what I can and can’t do.”

     Lukas flinched but Bo only cursed under his breath, then continued to stagger his way to the shed. Lukas watched, unmoving, as Bo set the box on the floor of the shed and fumbled to lock the door. He wanted to intervene, to fight for the memory of his mom, but he knew all it would result in was a new bruise, so Lukas did nothing.

     “Don’t try to go pokin’ around in there,” Bo said as he passed by and bumped into Lukas’s shoulder.

      _Don’t go back to the liquor cabinet._

     Lukas plopped down in the grass, facing the shed, and listened to the grumblings of his dad fade into the background as he made his way back to the house. Lukas hugged his legs to his chest and set his chin on his knees.

      _I’m sorry, Mom._

_I don’t know what to do._

 

**Day Forty**

The air had a bit of a bite to it that morning as Lukas sat on the rooftop of the high school, dangerously close to the drop off. He tugged his flannel over his shoulders and dangled his legs over the edge.

      _Would I die if I fell from here?_

     He peered over to the ground a few stories below.

    _Probably’d just get pretty fucked up._

     His economics class had been in session for a little over fifteen minutes but Lukas wasn’t keeping track. He needed a break from the farm, from his dad, from school, from everything, and the rooftop was the best place to escape. Sitting above the town, looking out at the early morning fog, Lukas could pretend there was nothing else in the world. No confusing feelings for Philip, no economics classes, just the occasional car passing by on the road below and the gravel rooftop he was sitting on. Until a text from Philip pulled him out of the clouds.

      _‘where are you?? class started.’_

    _‘on the rooftop’_

     Lukas paused, then sent another text.

      _‘come join’_

     While Lukas wanted to escape the combatting voices in his head that argued over Philip, he also wanted to be near Philip and if that meant dealing with the voices for a while, he was okay with that.

     The gravel crunched beneath Philip’s feet as he walked over to where Lukas was sitting but Lukas didn’t turn to greet him until he sat down beside him. “You know,” he said, hesitant to dangle his legs over the edge like Lukas. “You’d probably be doing better in econ if you actually went to class.”

     “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Lukas leaned back onto his hands even though the gravel dug into his skin. “He’s gonna go over it tomorrow anyway.” Philip said nothing and Lukas kicked his legs into the air. “You think someone could die from this height?”

     Again, Philip was silent, but he gave Lukas an odd concerning look. Lukas smiled and lightly shoved Philip.

     “Relax, man, I was just kidding.”

     “Good.”

     They watched the cars on the road below, not talking, just enjoying each other’s presence and not having to be in class. Lukas glanced over at Philip. He was wearing the leather bomber jacket, the one that caught his eye the first day Philip showed up in his class. Now, even closer to it, Lukas could see the individual stitches around each patch and the hairline cracks in the leather. He wondered if the smell of leather had been worn away at this point and if now it smelled just of Philip like any of his other clothes.

     “Where’d you get all of these?” He asked, tracing one of the patches.

     “I didn’t,” Philip said, looking over at Lukas. “This was my grandpa’s. My mom said he liked to travel and collect things. I used to have some of his button collection.”

     “Used to?”

     Philip pressed his lips together and nodded. “I moved a couple of times and they got lost somewhere along the way, I guess. The foster system doesn’t really care about old buttons.”

     “That’s shitty.”

     “Yep,” Philip said with a sigh, looking back out at the road.

     “I know what’ll cheer you up,” Lukas said with a grin. He poked at Philip’s side until Philip broke into a smile and pushed Lukas back.

     “That didn’t work, now my ribs just hurt,” he chuckled.

     “Nah, but you’re smiling.” Lukas leaned onto his palms again. “I got a B- on that test yesterday, all thanks to you.” He meant it sincerely but played it off as if Philip had inconvenienced him. “Probably could’ve gotten an A if you weren’t so distracting.”

     Philip rolled his eyes but Lukas could see his attempts were working at turning his mood around. “So it’s my fault you didn’t get an A?”

     “Well, yeah. If you hadn’t napped so damn much and actually helped me-”

     “You’re a dick.” Philip laughed and jabbed him in the side. Lukas’s side throbbed but he didn’t care because Philip was smiling which meant he succeeded.

     Even from the rooftop the bell, signalling the end of first period, was loud enough to hear. Philip stood up and brushed the gravel from his jeans.

     “I gotta go back. My stuff is still in first period because I told the teacher I was going to the bathroom.”

     “He probably thinks you’ve got diarrhea.”

     Philip shrugged. “It was worth it.”

 

**Day Forty One**

Another Saturday without a race in the Waldenbeck family meant another Saturday spent doing yard work and other chores they didn’t get to the rest of the week or previous Saturdays. This Saturday, however, the list felt even longer because Lukas was tasked with finishing twenty more turkey signs after he cleaned the coops, mowed the front lawn, and helped move the chopped wood into the barn.

      _This is gonna take fucking forever._

     Lukas let out an irritated breath and set aside his second finished sign. He took out his phone and texted Philip.

      _‘can you shoot some footage for me tomorrow? I want to get a video of my whips on my channel.’_

     He took his time typing out each word but even going slowly, it was only a minute long break.

    _I could wait a little longer then go back to work._

      _No, I have to finish._

     With a groan, Lukas returned to the signs and churned out a few more before Philip responded.

      _‘yeah sure. around 3??’_

    _‘sounds good’_

     “GOD DAMN IT!”

     “Dad?” Lukas ran out of the barn to find his dad standing, rubbing his temples, in front of the tractor. Thick black smoke poured out of the hood. Bo saw Lukas and pointed to the hose on the side of the barn.

     “Something’s on fire, son, get me a bucket of water.”

     He rushed to fill up an empty pail with the hose then bring it over to his dad. “What happened?” He asked, out of breath, as Bo doused the tractor’s hood with the water.

     Bo sighed. “She was doing fine and then…” Lukas pursed his lips and looked over the tractor.

     “Do you need help fixing it?”

     “I’m done fixing this damn thing. We’re getting a new one.” He took in a deep breath. “You ready for pizza, kid? I’m about done with this day.”

     Lukas nodded, fully aware he still had a fair few turkey signs to make before he hit the quota his dad set.

    _I’ll do some more tomorrow._

    _It’ll be fine._

     As they headed back up to the house, Rose called.

     “Hey, baby!” She said once Lukas answered the phone. “You busy tonight?”

     “Uh, I’m going into town with my dad-”

     Bo turned around. “That Rose?” Lukas nodded. “Invite her to come along.” He clapped him on the back. “Haven’t seen her around lately.”

     “Would you, uh, want to come with us?” Lukas asked Rose, not entirely sure if he was looking forward to the idea of eating dinner with both Bo and Rose.

     “Yeah, yeah, I’d love to.”

     “Cool.” He let out a long breath. “We’ll pick you up in a few minutes.”

 

**Day Forty Two**

“Damn, dude, that was insane!” Philip breathed as Lukas parked the bike outside the cabin. Pride swelled up in his chest.

      _I’m actually kinda surprised I pulled off those whips._

     “Yeah,” Lukas grinned. “Hey, post that shit on my channel.”

     Philip pulled out his phone and followed Lukas into the cabin. When he sat down on the bed, Lukas headed towards the mini fridge, hoping his dad hadn’t been to the cabin recently enough to take all his beer. He let out a sigh.

     “Ugh, there’s only one.” He grabbed the only bottle left and tossed it towards Philip. “Don’t drop it.”

     Philip, who was too busy making sure the video was posted on Lukas’s channel, didn’t notice the beer being thrown at him and the bottle thudded to the floor.

     “Nice,” Lukas teased as he sat down next to Philip. He opened the bottle and beer sprayed everywhere. Lukas couldn’t help but laugh a little, remembering the shotgun incident. “Aw, come on, no!”

     “Are you kidding me?” Philip grinned, shaking the beer off his hand. “Thanks.” He took a sip then passed it to Lukas and pulled up the video he had just uploaded to Lukas’s channel. Lukas took the bottle and wiped the mouth of it off with his shirt.

     “Hey, how many hits I get?”

     Philip checked the website. “Uh, twenty two in less than five minutes. That’s not bad, actually.”

     Lukas hummed in agreement. “No, damn, that’s good. Any comments?”

     Philip turned towards him and Lukas was instantly hyper aware of the few inches of space between them. “Rose says that you’re ‘dope’.” he said, popping the letter 'p' so Lukas could feel his breath on his neck.

      _Pull it together._

     “Yeah, yeah,” Lukas scoffed. “Whatever.”

     Philip pulled his legs up onto the bed. “You know that kid Tommy at school? He has a DSLR, I’m gonna borrow it. The resolution on it is so sick, it’s so much better than this.” Lukas looked over at the video.

    _Better than this?_

_Is that possible?_

     “I mean, sponsors are gonna flip out over this,” Lukas said, taking the phone from Philip’s hands in exchange for the beer. He was having a hard time picturing anything better than what he was already watching. Philip set the beer down beside the bed.

     “Really, it’s that good?”

     “Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing,” Lukas gushed.

    _How can he not see how great this is?_

     “I’ve never had footage this good. I mean it’s-here-” he handed Philip back his phone. “I mean, you’re amazing.”

     Philip looked up at him, his eyes wide and endearing. Lukas’s stomach swooped.

    _Fuck, that sounded gay._

     “I mean, you’re awesome,” Lukas quickly corrected himself. He rested his hand on Philip’s knee. Philip said nothing but continued to look at him in a way that made Lukas’s heart surge. He watched Philip’s eyes dart down to his lips then back up to meet Lukas’s eyes.

    _Shit, he’s going to kiss me._

     Lukas’s eyes traveled to Philip’s lips. His mouth was open slightly, a nice invitation.

    _Fuck._

_I want him to kiss me._

     Images from the dream he had weeks back resurfaced. For a moment, Lukas could almost feel Philip’s lips on his neck. Everything inside him was on fire, screaming at Philip to close the gap between them.

  _Stop._

_Stop._

_Pull yourself together._

_You’re not gay._

     Philip leaned in and instinctively Lukas swatted him away. “The hell are you doing?”

      _Shit._

_Why did I do that?_

     Philip froze, his face beet red from embarrassment. “Noth-nothing, I’m not-” he took in a sharp breath, licked his lips, then turned away from Lukas.

    _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Why do I make everything worse?_

     Lukas watched him, trying to coax Philip back into looking at him with his eyes but Philip wouldn’t. The sting of rejection burned in his cheeks.

_How do I fix this?_

_I should’ve just kissed him._

_I wanted to kiss him._

     He swallowed hard and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands.

      _Holy shit, he wanted to kiss me._

     “Okay, uh, so-I-’ Lukas sat back up and took a deep breath. “I got a ton of air on those jumps, huh?” He glanced over at Philip but he was still turned away. Lukas’s head fell as he fiddled with his hands in his lap. “Yeah, those whips aren’t easy.”

     Philip was quiet.

  _Say something._

_Please._

     “I didn’t say they were.”

     Lukas chewed on the inside of his cheek.

      _Is he even into motocross or did he just do it to get close to me too?_

     “I thought you were into motocross.”

     Philip pressed his lips together tightly then shook his head. “No. No, I’m not actually, so-” he tucked his phone into his pocket then stood up.

      _Wait, no._

     “No-hey-hey-” Lukas grabbed his arm and gently pulled Philip back down next to him. “Hey, sit down, sit down.”

  _Come on, look at me._

_I’m sorry._

_I didn’t-I didn’t mean to._

     Philip still wouldn’t look at him, even as Lukas’s eyes bore a hole in his face. Tentatively, Lukas put his hand on Philip’s arm.

    _Come on, please._

_Let me fix this._

     He fought to keep his breathing even while Philip finally turned slightly to face him. Lukas’s hand wandered up to Philip’s jaw, his heart pounding against his ribcage.

    _This is what I want._

     He ran his thumb over Philip’s cheek.

    _Just do it._

_No thinking._

_3...2...1…_

     Lukas touched his lips to Philip’s then quickly pulled back before anything real could come of it.

      _Was that okay?_

      _Fuck, I want to do it again._

     He stayed still, keeping his hand on Philip’s jaw, as Philip leaned into him and kissed him. It was awkward and new, careful and exciting. Both of them slowly finding their rhythm while Lukas’s fingers moved to touch Philip’s hair at the nape of his neck.

    _I can’t believe this is happening._

     Kissing Philip was like racing down a straightaway; everything blurring into one beautiful mess of adrenaline and colors. It was the moment the gate fell at his races and the world seemed to slow for just that split second.

      _This is how it’s supposed to feel._

     Kissing Philip was like finding out a major sponsor was interested; hopeful and exhilarating.

     Kissing Philip felt too good to be real.

     “W-wait,” Lukas breathed, pulling away just enough to take Philip’s face in his hands. His thumbs danced over Philip’s cheek bones.

    _This is real._

_This is happening._

_This is okay._

     Lukas took in everything that made Philip, Philip. This wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t a beautified version of Philip, this was him. Lukas could feel his skin beneath his fingertips and could still taste him on his tongue, tangible proof that this was reality.

      _This is real._

_This is happening._

_This is okay._

     His hand fell to Philip’s neck as he leaned in to kiss him again.

      _But what if it’s not?_

     “Wait-” Lukas gasped, pulling away again. “Wh-what if someone sees us?” He looked out the window next to them. It was so open, anyone could see.

      _We’re practically on display._

     “Yeah, like a squirrel?” Philip said, a small smile on his lips.

    _He doesn’t understand._

_No one can know about this._

     Lukas swallowed hard. “No one’s gonna know about this because you’re never gonna tell them.”

     Philip nodded slightly then went back in for another kiss.

      _This can’t be happening._

_It has to stop._

_You’re not that guy._

     Quickly, before he could change his mind again, Lukas broke away from Philip and rushed over to the edge of the cabin where the small sink was.

     “Are you okay?” Philip asked as Lukas splashed his face with water.

    _I don’t know._

     “I just-I-I need a minute.” The cold water didn’t help calm the mix of emotions inside Lukas but he kept his hands in the sink, letting the water turn them numb. “Can we-can we do something else? Uh, listen to the radio or something? I just…” He took in a sharp breath.

      _I shouldn’t have let this happen._

_My dad’s gonna kill me._

_Rose’ll never talk to me again._

_Everyone’s gonna know._

     His heart slammed against his chest and he took in a few more deep breaths. He didn’t look over but he could hear the creak of the bed as Philip leaned over to reach for the radio beneath it. Lukas fumbled with the faucet and turned off the water.

    _I’m such a fucking idiot._

_Why do I have to ruin everything?_

_Why do I have to be so god damn different?_

     A slow sultry country song leaked from the radio’s lousy speakers. Philip sat on the far end of the bed, fiddling with his fingers. He looked over at Lukas.

     “Should I just go?”

    _Yes._

     Without missing a beat, Lukas blurted, “No.” He bit down on his lip hard.

  _Fuck._

_I need him to leave, he has to leave._

_If he stays I’ll do something stupid like kiss him again._

_I could kiss him again._

_No._

_Stop._

_Pull it together._

     “Okay.” Philip said as he leaned into the corner of the wall, his feet pointing towards Lukas. A tiny smile tugged at his lips. “We’ll just sit and listen to this shit music then.”

     Carefully, cautiously, Lukas made his way back over to the bed. Philip shifted and pulled his legs up so Lukas had a spot to sit. For an hour, possibly more, they sat on opposite ends of the bed and listened to the crackly country station on the radio while Lukas watched the breeze rustle the pines out the window. The sky turned a faint peach, the sun golden and falling, as the time passed. Finally, Lukas allowed himself to steal a glimpse of Philip.

     He was watching the sunset too. His chin was propped up by his hand, so his fingers covered his lips, but Lukas didn’t need to see them to remember how they felt on his own. Lukas looked back out the window.

     Once the sun sunk below the horizon and darkness flooded the cabin, Philip sighed and pulled himself away from the window to reach over and turn off the radio.

     “I can’t take country anymore,” he mumbled. Lukas said nothing.

_He’s going to leave._

_He’s going to leave and I’m going to miss my chance._

_He’s going to leave and everything’s going to change._

     Lukas wasn’t ready for Philip to leave because that meant he’d be thrust back into the real world where sponsors and fathers don’t want gay kids. Lukas wanted a couple more minutes of them. He wanted a few more kisses and touches that made him feel alive and wanted, even if it was going to bite him in the ass the moment he walked out the door.

     In the cabin they were safe, they were alone, they were in the shadows, and Lukas was free to want Philip the way that he knew he shouldn’t. Once they left the cabin everything would be different, but in this moment, things were okay. In this moment, Lukas was invincible. He could kiss Philip and be okay because no one would ever know, it would only ever be a few stolen kisses in the darkness of the cabin. Lukas wanted to stay in this moment and savor it as long as he could before reality could catch up to him, which he knew would happen as soon as either of them walked out the door.

     “I should go.” Philip said, as he sat back up. Lukas raised his gaze to meet Philip’s.

     “Don’t,” he breathed, quietly enough that he could deny he ever said anything at all. Philip ran his tongue over his bottom lip.

     “Then give me a reason to stay.”

     With one surge of courage, Lukas crashed into him, taking Philip’s face in his hands and kissing him with fervor. All of the hunger, all of the longing and pining, shone through with this kiss. It was heavy breathing, it was fingers tugging at hair, at jeans, at anything that could possibly bring them closer. It was a match aflame falling into a puddle of gasoline: urgent, bright, all consuming, beautiful.

     Lukas pushed Philip’s jacket off his shoulders, kissing along his jawline as he did. Philip’s hands slipped under Lukas’s shirt and he eagerly tugged the bottom of Lukas’s shirt up his back and over his head then tossed it somewhere on the floor below.

      _Holy shit._

      _This is real._

_This is actually happening._

_This is okay._

_No one’s gonna know._

     Philip wiggled out of his own shirt and it joined Lukas’s and the jacket on the floor. Lukas straddled Philip, his knees pressing into the sides Philip’s hips, and ran a hand up and down his back while kissing at his neck. Philip gently touched his lips to Lukas’s biceps as he laid back onto the bed, pulling Lukas on top of him.

     Slowly, Lukas’s hand trailed down Philip’s chest until he hit the top of Philip’s pants. The adrenaline igniting his nerves was making it hard to keep his hands steady. Lukas wondered if Philip could feel how nervous his touches were.

      _Does it feel like this for him too?_

     He buried his face in Philip’s neck, reveling in the feeling of being so close to him that they were almost one. He planted kisses underneath Philip’s ear as Philip’s hands found their way into Lukas’s hair. A shiver ran down his spine as Philip’s hot breath hit Lukas’s skin. He’d never wanted Rose, or anyone, as much as he wanted Philip just then.

      His lips trailed down Philip’s chest and he ran another hand up Philip’s body, memorizing the valleys of his chest and the way his skin felt. Philip brought Lukas’s face back up to meet his and touched his forehead to Lukas’s.

    _This is what it’s supposed to feel like._

     Lukas kissed him again and reached down to his crotch, grinding his hips against Philip’s, not even noticing when Philip dug something out of his pocket.

     “Hey.”

     Lukas pulled away from Philip. “Wha-”

     In Philip’s hand was a condom. Immediately, Lukas sat up and swatted his hand away.

_No._

_No way._

_Absolutely not._

     “Are you kidding me, I’m not doing that!” he scoffed.

  _I can’t._

_I won’t._

_Making out is one thing, but that-_

_No._

     Lukas ran a shaky hand through his hair and glanced out the window.

_Someone could see._

     “Sorry,” Philip said breathlessly. “I just-everyone in the city carries one.” He tucked it away but that only eased a little bit of Lukas’s anxiety. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked up at Lukas who sucked in his lips.

     “You’ve done this before?”

      _This, with boys?_

     “Yeah.”

      _Fuck._

_Of course he has._

     Lukas took in a short breath.

      _I don’t think I can do this._

_But, god, I really want to._

     “It’s okay,” Philip murmured. Lukas met his eyes but couldn’t quite bring himself to believe Philip’s words. “It’s okay,” he repeated, reaching up to touch Lukas’s neck. His fingers slid into Lukas’s hair.

      _Is it?_

     “It’s fine,” Philip whispered, pulling Lukas down into a kiss. He fell back onto the bed.

     Each time Philip kissed him, Lukas felt a little more comfortable and wanted a little bit more. He let himself enjoy being with Philip like this despite the tiny voice in the back of his mind screaming at him to stop.

    _It’s okay._

_It’s okay._

_It’s fine._

     He pressed himself into Philip, closing his eyes as Philip’s breath brushed across his neck. Philip’s hands gripped at Lukas’s hips as if he could tug him any closer.

      _This is what I want._

_I want him._

     Lukas was desperate to feel all of Philip against all of him, when a light shone into Lukas’s eyes and suddenly he was yanked back into reality.

     “Shit, it’s my dad!” He jumped off Philip and scrambled to pull on his shirt as the headlights of a car neared the cabin.

    _Oh, fuck._

_Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck._

_This is it._

_I’m dead._

     The scene of a dream Lukas thought he had forgotten flashed across his eyes. All he could see was Philip, bloodied from Bo’s kicks, curled up on the floor and then his dad turning around with a look of fury on his face.

      _Oh god, what have I done?_


	12. Episode One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scenes from the first episode with the same dialogue and actions but with more insight into Lukas's character.

**Quarry scene**

“Philip come on, we gotta go, let’s go!” Lukas said frantically, grabbing Philip’s arm and yanking him out from under the bed. On the floor, face down, was the man from the trunk. The man who murdered the three other men-now lifeless bodies-also on the floor of the cabin. Lukas thought he saw the killer’s finger twitch next to the gun. He gripped the frying pan in his hand tighter.

    _I didn’t hit him hard enough._

_He’s going to wake up and kill us like he did those three other guys._

_He was gonna shoot Philip._

     Lukas quickly snatched the gun off the floor and sprinted out of the cabin, hurling the frying pan into the treeline as Philip followed behind him.

      _Oh, god, oh fuck._

_What do I do? What do I do?_

_What if the killer wakes up?_

_He can’t wake up._

_He’ll come after us._

     With shaking hands, Lukas pointed the gun at the cabin window and fired two rounds, not even entirely convinced it would do anything other than make a bigger mess for someone to clean up.

      _Dad’s going to find out, he’s gonna know what happened._

_I should’ve let Philip leave-I should’ve fucking never talked to him at all._

_None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t met him-if I hadn’t-_

     “Get the bike,” Philip said breathlessly as he took the gun from Lukas’s hands. Philip’s words flew over Lukas’s head. Too much was going on, there was too much to process, that whatever Philip was saying brushed past him. “Go!” Philip urged, his voice louder and more stern, this time breaking through to Lukas. “Get the bike!”

    _The bike, we need the bike, we need to leave, we need-_

     Lukas tripped over himself getting to the bike and pulled together everything inside him that hadn’t been shattered and shaken by fear in order to start the bike and get as far from the cabin as possible.

    _We almost died._

_He was going to kill us._

_There are dead people in the cabin._

_The cabin Philip and I-_

_Everyone’s gonna find out._

_The killer is probably still alive._

_I’m dead._

     Each thought piled on top of the last, pounding and screaming at Lukas to pay attention to it. He held onto the handlebars of his bike so tightly it felt as if his knuckles were going to rip through his skin.

    _Philip still has the gun._

_It has our fingerprints all over it, they’re gonna know we were there, they’re gonna know we-_

_I have to get rid of it._

_No one can find it, no one can know._

     He didn’t realize how soothing Philip’s touch was until his hands fell off Lukas’s waist as they pulled over at the quarry and everything in Lukas’s mind was amplified. He blinked and saw one of the men falling to the cabin floor with a thud and a bullet hole in his forehead. He took in a breath and heard another-the killer-breathing into his ear.

     Lukas wrenched off his helmet, letting it clatter to the ground with his bike. Putting down the kickstand was the last thing going through his head. He took the gun from Philip who looked just as shell shocked as Lukas.

    _Get rid of the fingerprints._

_No one can find out._

     He desperately wiped the gun with the hem of his shirt, wishing that if he scrubbed at it hard enough, the whole night would disappear too.

     “Now listen to me,” Lukas said, turning towards Philip. His voice thick with emotions he couldn’t quite place. “We can’t say anything to anyone.”

     Philip’s eyes were wide and unfocused. “Are you kidding me? He was gonna kill us, who would blame you for killing him?”

      _I didn’t kill him, that’s the fucking problem._

_I didn’t kill him and now he’s going to come after us._

_I didn’t kill him but he killed everyone else and now the whole town is going to know what happened-what I did-in the cabin._

     Anger pricked at Lukas’s skin but he didn’t care. It was an emotion he could name, one he could understand, one he could give in to, and in the whirlwind of chaos around him, it was a very thin ledge he could hold onto.

     “You don’t get it!” He cried.

      _You don’t get that I’ll lose my sponsorships._

_You don’t get that everyone in school will make fun of me, that my dad’ll disown me, that everything’ll go to shit-_

_No._

_No, nothing’s gonna happen because no one’s gonna find out._

_Because nothing happened._

_Because-_

     “I’m not gay like you!” Lukas spat the word ‘gay’ the way he’d heard his father do before. He shamed it and covered it with filth until he couldn’t possibly be associated with a word like that. Philip’s head snapped up to look at him. Even in the dark, Lukas could see that he was doing everything he could to hide the hurt that Lukas’s words caused. Still, despite that, Lukas felt nothing but anger.

     “No one even knows we talk, got it?” He softened his tone just a hair but the adrenaline of the kisses, of the murders, of the anger and fear all of it caused, burned through his veins. Philip said nothing, his face was still slack and masked whatever emotions he hid behind it.

     Suddenly, something rustled in the woods and Lukas whipped the gun out in the direction the sound came from.

     “It’s him,” He breathed, instinctively pulling the trigger three times.

      _Did I get him?_

_Is he dead now?_

_Is it over?_

     Two deer scurried out of the treeline and Lukas’s arms fell to his side.

     “Is that a deer?” He asked, now breathing heavily.

     “It’s a deer,” Philip murmured. He ran his hands down his face.

     Lukas exhaled. “Oh my god.”

     “We gotta tell Helen.”

_No._

_No._

_Absolutely not._

     “Tell her what?” Lukas whipped around. “We were in the cabin, naked?” The anger was fading and exhaustion was rising to take its place. His bones ached with the need for it all to be over. “No, never gonna happen.”

     Philip took in a shuddery breath then spoke quietly. “Okay, well, I won’t say anything.”

      _The fingerprints._

     Lukas quickly got to work erasing the fingerprints from the gun with his shirt again, then threw it into the water he and Philip had stood in only a few weeks prior.

      _They can’t find it here, right?_

_They can’t._

_They won’t._

     He ran a shaking hand through his hair.

     “He was gonna kill me,” Philip murmured. Lukas could see he was trembling too. “If you hadn’t stopped him, if-if you hadn’t-”

     Lukas reached out and put his hands on Philip’s shoulders, as if that alone would comfort either of them, then realized they both needed more and so he pulled Philip into his chest and hugged him tightly. He clung to Philip for a while, burying his face into the crook of Philip’s neck, and wishing everything in his head would just disappear along with the events of that night.

 

**Fight scene**

_Come on._

_Pull it together._

_Open the locker._

     Lukas struggled to keep his fingers still as he opened his locker. He had been on high alert since the night in the cabin and it was starting to wear him down. Each time he closed his eyes to sleep, he was back in the cabin. Every time he plugged in his headphones, he could hear someone coming up behind him and the cocking of a gun. Even at school, he could feel the air pulsing with something.

      _No one knows anything._

_Nothing even happened._

_Everything’s fine._

     He looked up from the books in his locker to find Philip standing next to him. Instantly, his anxiety spiked.

      _Stop._

_Calm down._

_Everything’s fine._

     “Hey, Helen said she found three bodies in the cabin,” Philip said quickly but quietly enough that no one would overhear him.

     “Wait, you told Helen?” The anger returned but before it could make him do something he’d regret, Lukas briskly walked the other way.

_Fuck, Helen knows._

_Philip swore he wouldn’t tell-he fucking told me-_

_She’s gonna tell my dad-_

     “What?” Philip said, catching up to Lukas in the hall. “No, no, no, listen to me. There were four guys in the cabin, right?”

     Lukas took in a deep breath then turned to face him. “Yeah, so?”

     “Yeah, so then why did Helen only find three bodies?”

      _Because I didn’t hit that fucker hard enough._

_He’s not dead._

_He’s gonna come after us and it’s my fault._

_If I had hit him harder this wouldn’t be happening._

_It’d be over._

_I could’ve ended it._

     He glanced down the hall. His skin began to crawl.

      _Why is everyone looking at us?_

_They don’t know anything._

_They can’t know anything._

_Did they hear us?_

_Fuck, they heard us._

     Somewhere nearby someone called out, “Hey, who’s your new friend?”

     Lukas wanted to scream. He wanted to get on his bike and drive all the way to the west coast beaches. He wanted to be anywhere else than where he was right then, and he wanted to feel anything other than whatever shitstorm was pounding in his head.

      _I can’t be near Philip._

_No one can know we talk._

_No one can know anything._

     He pressed his arm into Philip’s chest and leaned dangerously close to his ear. “Get out of here,” he growled.

     Philip ignored him. “What if somebody survived?”

      _Someone did survive._

_The fucking guy who’s gonna come after us next._

_How does he not understand this?_

_Fuck, everyone’s staring._

_They’re gonna think we’re friends._

_They’re gonna think I’m gay like him._

     He could see Philip’s lips moving as if he were still talking but Lukas’s paranoia had tuned him out. He looked around frantically, picking up on all the laughter and murmurs throughout the hallway.

     They’re already talking about us.

    _It’s too late._

_I have to do something._

_They can’t know._

     “Okay,” Lukas almost laughed ironically then punched Philip in the jaw.

  _No one’s gonna think I’m gay too if they think I hate him._

_I do hate him._

_He’s the one who’s gay, he’s the one who tried to kiss me, he’s the one that made me do the things I did._

_If I hadn’t met him, none of this would’ve happened._

_This is all his fucking fault._

     Philip fell into the wall, shielding his face and looking up at Lukas in disbelief and hurt. A second passes and his face hardens with anger then Philip rams into Lukas’s stomach, pushing him into the lockers behind him. Lukas wrestled him to the floor and threw in a couple more punches. Each hit chipped away at the impossible weight on his shoulders. In the back of his mind he knew he was being unfair, cruel even, but in the moment he didn’t care.

     He only got in two or three more punches before Philip managed to wiggle out from underneath and wrestle Lukas to the floor. Before he could get in a hit, the principal rushed in.

     “Okay, break it up!”

     “Get off, bitch!” Lukas seethed, swatting at Philip as the principal tried to drag him away.

     “Back! Back! Enough!” The principal panted once he finally managed to pull them apart. He stood between them with his arms out in case either of them tried to lunge towards the other. Rose helped Lukas to his feet.

    _When did she get here?_

_Did she hear us?_

_Fuck, does she know anything?_

_No._

_She can’t._

_No one knows anything._

_It’s fine._

_Everything is fine._

     “Stop standing around, get back to class!” The principal barked at the surrounding crowd that had gathered during the fight. “You, Waldenbeck!” He jabbed a finger towards Lukas. “And-and-you!” Another finger at Philip. “My office, immediately!”

 

**At The Waldenbeck House**

Rap music didn’t make the images swirling in Lukas’s mind go away. The fast paced lyrics, the pulsing bass, all of it made his headache grow stronger. Lukas kept his eyes closed as he skipped through the songs until he found an electronic one. This one was better, the absence of lyrics meant there was less going through his head, but it still wasn’t enough to chase away everything else. He shifted his legs and pushed back into the pillows on his bed, hoping they would engulf him whole. 

_      Just stop thinking about it. _

_      Nothing happened. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

     Lukas was about to reach for his phone when he felt a hand on his chest.

_      It’s him. _

_      He found me. _

     Lukas’s eyes shot open but it wasn’t the killer’s face that was hovering over him, it was Philip’s. The inch of space between them made it hard for Lukas to calm his heart rate. 

     “What the hell are you doing?” he gasped, his arm out across Philip’s chest in a half hearted attempt to put more distance between them.

     “Oh,” Philip said smugly, “are you gonna hit me again, huh?”

     A lump of guilt dropped into the pit of Lukas’s stomach. He wanted to apologize, or at least say something that would make him feel less of an asshole, but he the word ‘sorry’ felt weird in his mouth and he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Instead, he let his arm fall away, a small invitation for Philip to close the gap between them.

_      I shouldn’t let this happen again. _

_      I’m not that guy. _

_      I’m not gay. _

_      I can’t be. _

_      I won’t be. _

     Philip’s nose nearly brushed against Lukas’s and though only a second had passed, to Lukas time seemed to stretch out for miles. He spent a year looking at Philip and determining the length of his eyelashes. Another three months passed as Lukas took in a bated breath. Debating between what he wanted and what he knew he should do instead took three years.

_      He shouldn’t be here. _

_      I should tell him to go. _

     He glanced down at Philip’s lips. 

_      Do it. _

_      I want you to. _

     Philip leaned, just a hair closer, into Lukas to test the waters. When Lukas made no move to push him away, Philip kissed him. Lukas brought his hand up to Philip’s neck, his thumb resting on Philip’s jawline, and he kissed him back with the same sense of need he felt in the cabin. The want for more quickly surged through him and he pulled Philip onto the bed.

_      Someone could see us. _

_      The window’s right there. _

_      No. _

_      No, we’re fine. _

_      No one knows anything. _

     He rolled over so Philip was now on his back and Lukas was on top. He kissed Philip again, just to spite the voice in his head.

_      Everyone knows. _

_      They saw you at school, they heard Philip at school. _

_      They know and they’re mocking you. _

     Lukas quickly pulled away, slightly out of breath. “What the hell were you thinking talking to me in front of everyone?” 

     “That doesn’t matter anymore,” Philip murmured. He propped himself up on his elbows. “The guy-he was barefoot.”

_      The killer? _

_      Did he see him? _

_      Oh, fuck, what if he knows where we are? _

     “Wh-what?”

     “One of the guys on the murder board, he was barefoot, that means he’s dead.”

_      He’s dead. _

_      Maybe I did hit him hard enough. _

_      Holy shit.  _

_      It’s over. _

_      We’re okay. _

_      He’s dead. _

     Relief flooded Lukas’s senses and he reached out to touch the hair curling against Philip’s neck to make sure what was happening was real. Philip’s hair in his fingers felt real, that much Lukas was certain of, but Philip’s words still felt too good to be true.

     “Y-yeah, that means on-one of the oth-other guys must’ve just lived and then passed out, right?” Lukas asked. His hand moved down to sit on Philip’s collarbone. 

     “Yeah, but-but the guy who saw us? He’s dead.” 

     “He’s dead?” Lukas breathed, still struggling to wrap his mind around it. 

_      I saw his finger twitch. _

_      I know I didn’t hit him hard enough. _

     Philip’s fingertips ran up and down Lukas’s arm.

     “He’s dead,” Philip repeated. “We’re safe.”

_      He’s dead. _

_      Philip saw him on the murder board. _

_      Maybe I hit him when I shot through the window. _

_      Doesn’t matter now because he’s dead. _

_      No one’s coming after us. _

_      No one knows anything. _

     “We’re safe.”

     It still sounded uneasy when Lukas said it, but he was beginning to trust it more with each repetition.

     “Yeah,” Philip nodded. “We’re safe.”

     Lukas didn’t think twice when he leaned back into Philip and kissed him. He let himself enjoy the fleeting adrenaline of relief, he let himself be wrapped up in it, to be whispered and encouraged into being with Philip, because they were safe. Because the killer was dead. 

     He pulled away just long enough to tug off his shirt and toss it to the side. Philip grabbed Lukas’s belt loops to pull him in for another kiss, but Lukas waited to give him the satisfaction, falling onto the bed but just a bit too far forward for Philip to catch his lips. 

_      I shouldn’t be doing this. _

_      Someone is gonna find out. _

_      Even if the killer’s dead, people will still find out. _

     Lukas quickly pressed his lips to Philip’s, hungrily, trying to get the most out of the kiss before the voice in his head got too loud and insistent to ignore.

_      Stop it. _

_      This isn’t you. _

_      This isn’t what sponsors want, _

_      This isn’t what Dad wants, _

_      This isn’t what you want. _

_      You’re not this guy. _

     “No,” Lukas mumbled, breaking away from Philip. “I can’t.”

     Philip caught his arm as Lukas began to sit up. His touch was careful but firm, a silent plea to stay. 

     “What?” He whispered.

     Lukas pulled his arm out of Philip’s grasp and sat back on his heels, trying to slow his breathing enough to form a sentence. 

     “I-I can’t believe what’s happening.” 

_      I can’t believe the killer’s dead. _

_      I can’t believe what we saw even happened. _

_      I can’t believe I’m here with you, like this. _

_      None of it should be this way. _

     “You’re into me, that’s what’s happening,” Philip said as he reached out again for Lukas’s arm. “Just deal with it-”

     “No, no, no one knows,” he sighed, scrambling off the bed. His headphones had tangled themselves around his legs and he tried to keep it from irritating him as he wrestled them off.

     “So what if they do? Who cares?” 

     Lukas tossed his headphones on the bedside table. He could feel the anger bubbling up inside him the way it did in school when Philip tried to talk about the murders. 

     “I care!” He cried, struggling to keep his voice even. Lukas took in a deep breath and glanced out the window.

_      How does he still not fucking understand? _

_      How can he think we can hold hands and be gay and shit and everything will be okay? _

_      I’m not gay-I’m-I’m not- _

_      I’m not throwing away a sponsorship, my one chance to get out of this shit town, for-for- _

     He looked back over at Philip. “You don’t get it, I don’t-I don’t want to be that guy. And my dad-he doesn’t want me to be that guy. A-and Rose-” Lukas ran a hand through his hair. “No one wants me to be that guy-” 

     “But what if you are?” Philip said, his voice unabashed. 

     His words made Lukas want to grab them and throw them back at Philip with all the force he could muster.

_      I’m not. _

_      I'll never be. _

     Aggravation crawled into his veins, spreading through his body. 

_      He doesn’t know me. _

_      He’s no one. _

_      He doesn’t get to say who I am. _

_      Because I'm not- _

_      I’m not that guy. _

     “You don’t know me.” Lukas said sharply. 

     “I know that you’re just some...some spoiled ass rich kid,” Philip mumbled, sitting up on the bed and refusing to look at Lukas.

     “Oh, but you know everything ‘cause your mom’s a junkie?” Lukas fired back, his words dripping in anger. He knew as soon as he said it that he shouldn’t have, but now his words hung in the air, ugly and loud.

     “Okay, you didn’t have to say that.” Philip’s voice cracked with emotion and he clenched his jaw. Lukas looked away, not wanting to take in the full extent of hurt that his words caused.

     “Sorry,” he managed. It was a limp apology but at least he’d said it. “Neither did you.” Lukas looked back over at Philip and, sensing his gaze, Philip turned to look at the opposite wall. 

_      Fuck. _

_      How do I fix this? _

_      I need to fix this. _

     Lukas brushed back his hair then took in a breath. “My dad’s in Poughkeepsie tonight,” he said, hoping an invite would act the same as another apology. 

     When Philip still refused to look at him, Lukas crawled onto the bed. 

_      Come on. _

_      I’m sorry. _

     Lukas got closer and put a hand on Philip’s cheek.

_      Come on, look at me. _

_      I didn’t mean it. _

_      I said I was sorry. _

     He turned Philip’s face just enough to kiss him. Lukas could still feel the tension in Philip’s muscles and his arms were still crossed over his chest, but when Lukas took his thigh to spread his legs, Philip didn’t object. He watched, almost skeptically, as Lukas positioned himself between his legs.

_      Let me make it up to you. _

     He hooked his arms under Philip’s legs and pulled him flat onto the bed, directly beneath Lukas. Philip’s breathing hitched, his eyes widening, as he looked up at Lukas.

_      This is working. _

     The headboard knocked into the wall behind it as Lukas pressed his hips into Philip’s. He squeezed Philip’s thigh then moved to push the hem of his shirt up his chest. Philip kept his eyes on Lukas as he eagerly unbuttoned Philip’s jeans. He barely got the jeans down to Philip’s knees when Philip cut him off.

     “No, no,” he said in a funny way that made Lukas not sure if he was joking or not. 

     “Wh-what?”

      Lukas tried to brush it off and continue but Philip’s hands were on him now, pushing Lukas away. 

     “No, no, no, no,” his voice grew louder.

_      Someone’s gonna hear. _

_      They’re gonna hear and tell my dad. _

     “Huh? What?”

     Philip wiggled out from under Lukas. “No, no-’

     Lukas shoved him back, “Shh, shut up!”

     “I’m not gonna be your little bitch,” Philip said, pulling his pants back up.

     Lukas’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “W-what?” He laughed.

_      Is he joking? _

_      I was doing it for him- _

_      I was trying to fix things. _

     “You got Rose for that,” Philip fiddled with the zipper on his jeans. “You can’t hit me in the face, not want to be seen with me like I’m some freak, and then you wanna fool around?” He ducked his head. “No, no.” Philip laughed ironically then looked back at Lukas. “No, you gotta decide.”

_      Decide what? _

_      Between him and Rose? _

_      Isn’t that obvious already or does he want me to fucking parade around with a big gay sign for him? _

_      Why doesn’t he understand this isn’t fucking easy, this isn’t- _

_      This isn’t something I can choose.  _

_      I’ll pick him over Rose but there isn’t a decision to be made when it comes to people knowing. _

_      They can’t know. _

_      That’s already decided.  _

     “What’s there to decide?”

     Philip sucked in his lips and gave Lukas a once over. 

_      I said the wrong thing again, didn’t I? _

     “Alright,” Philip said finally.

_      God damnit. _

_      Why do I keep fucking everything up? _

     As Philip headed towards the door Lukas watched from the bed, wanting to call after him, to say something to get him to stay, but he knew Philip was already gone. He heard Philip’s footsteps down the stairs. Lukas walked over to the doorway of his room and waited for the sound of the front door closing. 

_      He’s never going to understand that I like him. _

_      He’s never going to believe it unless I make some big fucking gesture. _

_      But I can’t do that.  _

_      Why doesn’t he get it? _

_      Why can’t we just stay a secret for a while?  _

_      Why do I have to decide? _

     Lukas sighed loudly and threw himself back onto the bed, running his hands up his face and into his hair.

_      Why do I keep making everything go to shit? _

_      And how do I fix it? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're dying to have a specific scene (from any episode) written, tell me in the comments and I'll try to work it into my updates :)


	13. Episode Two: part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a small part to the last scene that wasn't in the episode because I felt like it should've been so I wrote it in anyway. If you come across parts throughout any of these next couple of chapters that weren't in the episodes, it's just me filling in little gaps or continuing a scene because it felt natural. Also, I wasn't quite sure what to call the place where the last scene took place, all I know is there was a shot of a building with Helen's sheriff jeep outside of it so for the sake of the story I said it took place next to the police station. Feel free to correct me.

**The Interrogation**

Lukas turned the volume up as high as it could go and stuck his headphones in his ears, hoping it would drown everything out long enough for him to finish the turkey signs.

_I should’ve done more of these fucking things earlier._

     He sighed loudly and picked up the screwdriver. Despite Philip insisting the guy from the cabin was dead, the hair on Lukas’s neck still stood tall and the eerie looming feeling still lurked in the background, so when he thought he heard a twig snap, he immediately snapped his head up and clenched the screwdriver in his hand.

     “Hey, hey!” Philip panted, running up to Lukas.

_What the hell is he doing here?_

_Dad’s gonna see him, he’s gonna know._

_He can’t be here._

_He needs to leave._

     Lukas yanked his earbuds out and glanced around past Philip to make sure his dad wasn’t outside near the barn. He wasn’t, but that didn’t ease Lukas’s anxiety.

     “What are you doing here?” Lukas said frantically. “You-you can’t be here, my dad’s inside-”

     Philip gulped, trying to catch his breath. “I just saw the guy from the cabin.”

_I knew it._

_I knew he wasn’t dead._

_He’s still out there and he’s looking for us._

_He’s gonna kill us._

     “What? You said he was dead.”

_He has to be._

_You said we were safe._

_You said he was dead._

     “No, I thought he was, I just saw him,” Philip spoke quickly, his sentences running into each other and making it difficult for Lukas to keep up. “He looked right at me.”

     “He saw you and-and you came here?” Lukas stammered.

_What if he’s already here._

_What if he’s watching us._

     “D-d-did he follow you? What if he knows what I look like?” Lukas glanced down at his feet and tried to keep his hands from shaking. “I’m dead.”

     Philip shook his head.” No, he didn’t follow me.”

     Car tires squelched in the mud, approaching the barn. Lukas’s blood ran cold. The sheriff’s jeep came into view and while it wasn’t the killer, Lukas was still struggling to calm his nerves.

     “Go, go, go!” Lukas said to Philip, pointing back at the empty stables. “In the back!”

     Philip scurried into the back of the barn and Lukas ran out, taking one of the turkey cut outs with him, to meet the sheriff just as she got out of the car.

_Calm down._

_Everything’s okay._

_She doesn’t know anything._

_She’s here for my dad._

     “Hey, Lukas, what are you doing?” Helen asked.

     “I’m getting signs ready,” he said in the most normal voice he could muster. “F-for the turkey shoot.” Lukas held up the sign as evidence. “Hey, my dad’s inside, do you want me to take you to him?”

     “No, it’s okay,” she said as she walked towards the barn. “I’m here to talk to you.”

_Stay calm._

_Everything’s okay._

_She doesn’t know anything._

     “Were you at his cabin yesterday?”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

     “No,” Lukas said instantly. “I-I don’t jump there anymore.”

_Don’t look guilty._

_If she knew something she wouldn’t be asking._

_She’s only asking me because it’s our cabin._

_Everything’s fine._

_No it’s not._

_The killer’s alive and he’s looking for us._

     “Oh, no?” Helen asked. Her tone made Lukas want to squirm. “Why not?”

_Lie._

_Gotta make it convincing._

     “Uh, well, it-it gets-” Lukas took in a breath to compose himself.

_It’s fine._

_You’re fine._

_Everything’s fine._

     “You know,” he continued. “It gets way too muddy this time of year.”

     “Really? Well, that’s weird.” Helen said in the same insinuating tone as she walked over to where Lukas’s bike was parked in the barn. Lukas followed behind her. “I found some tire tracks in the mud and I thought they were from your bike.”

     “No.” Lukas said firmly.

     “No?”

_I wish she’d fucking stop with that._

_How many more questions does she have?_

_She knows I was there._

_She knows I was there with Philip and she’s fucking with me to see what I’ll say._

_No._

_No._

_She doesn’t know anything._

_No one knows anything._

_And no one ever will._

     Helen crouched to take a picture of the bike tires. “Hmm, ‘cause the pattern is identical.” She held out the phone so Lukas could see the similarities between the tracks. His heart rate skyrocketed, beating so incredibly fast it was almost painful, and his chest constricted, making it harder to breathe.

_Lie._

_Come on, think of something._

_Fuck, what do I say?_

_She’s gonna know I’m lying, she’s a fucking cop._

     He shied away and gestured to the workbench with the unfinished turkey signs.

     “I-I have like a thousand of these to make-”

     “Lukas, I think you were at your dad’s cabin yesterday and I want to know why you were lying to me about it.”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck,_

_Come on, pull it together._

_Think of a lie._

     Without knowing he was doing it, Lukas paced across the barn. “Uh-”

     “Lukas!” Helen snapped.

     He squeezed his hands into fists to keep them from trembling.

     “He-he’s gonna kill me.” Lukas choked out.

_Fuck, why did I say that?_

_She’s gonna know._

     “Who?” She prodded.

_The guy from the cabin._

     Images of that night tore through Lukas’s mind. The bodies slumped in the cabin. The killer’s blurry face. A gun pointed at Philip.

     “My dad,” Lukas said finally. “I stole some gas from my dad, he keeps an extra barrel up at the cabin for the chainsaws.”

_Breathe._

_Everything’s okay._

     The lie left a bad taste in Lukas’s mouth, but Helen seemed to buy it.

     “What time were you there?”

     “Uh, r-right after school.”

     “So you just got the gas? Okay.” Helen paused just long enough for Lukas to get his hopes up that she was done and ready to leave. “Did you see anything that I should know about? Anyone suspicious?”

     “No,” Lukas scoffed.

     “No? You didn’t hear anything when you were riding around up by your dad’s cabin?”

_No, I didn’t hear anything._

_I fucking saw it._

     “I can’t hear anything with my helmet on.” He pointed to the helmet hanging from the bike’s handlebar.

_At least that’s not a lie._

     “Well that must be nice, tuning everything out.”

     “Yeah, I guess.”

     “You should be careful, though.” Helen said, beginning to head back to the jeep.

_Why?_

_Did you see the killer too?_

_Does he know where I live?_

     “I hear you got a big race coming up.” She said then walked back to her car.

_How does she know I have a race?_

_Fuck, Philip probably told her._

_I stole gas from my dad, Jesus Christ, why couldn’t I have thought of something better?_

_She’s probably gonna tell my dad and I’m gonna get shit for it._

     A familiar emotion rose up from the pit of his stomach and ran hot through his veins.

_What else did Philip fucking tell her?_

_Does she already know we were in the cabin?_

_Was she really just fucking with me the whole time?_

_She probably was._

_She probably knows._

_She’s gonna tell my dad._

     A strangled frustrated cry escaped his lips as he stabbed the workbench with the screwdriver.

_Everything’s gonna go to shit._

     “Hey.”

     Lukas lifted his head to see Philip standing in front of him. For a moment, he had forgotten Philip was even there.

     “Maybe he didn’t see us,” Philip said.

_Of course he fucking saw us._

_But that doesn’t matter anymore because Helen already knows._

_Because you fucking told her._

     “Why were you talking to Helen about me?” Lukas snapped. “About my race?”

     “I wasn’t,” Philip said, slightly taken aback. “Maybe your dad said something.”

     “You should leave before my dad comes back.” The anger had leaked into his voice. Philip said nothing and continued to stand in front of Lukas.

     “Leave.” Lukas said again sharply. He knew Philip was waiting to see if he’d take it back like he did in the cabin, but as much as Lukas wanted him to stay, he couldn’t ask him to stay.

_He has to leave._

_He has to go._

_Dad’s inside, he’ll see us._

     Lukas licked his lips anxiously. Philip took a step closer.

_Don’t._

_He has to go._

_Make him leave._

     “Now!” Lukas pushed Philip enough to make him stumble backwards. The combined look of hurt and shock on Philip’s face was familiar. It made Lukas’s gut twist with guilt. Philip sucked in his lips then finally turned to leave.

     “And Philip,” Lukas called after him. “I-I fixed your flat tire.”

_I’m sorry._

_I hope it’s enough._

_I want you to stay but you can't and I'm sorry._

     Philip said nothing but picked up his bike that Lukas had set out at the edge of the barn. Lukas watched him leave then slowly turned back to the turkey signs.

 

**A Close Call**

_Come on, you piece of shit._

     Lukas was pounding the turkey sign into the ground on the outskirts of the Waldenbeck property, but the stubborn thing didn’t want to stick in the ground. He hit it with a rubber mallet as hard as he could and it finally sunk into the dirt.

     In his pocket, his phone buzzed twice. Lukas knew it was Philip but he ignored it. Everything with Philip lately had been about the murders and Lukas just wanted a couple more minutes where he didn’t have to rehash that night.

     “You want to know something?” Rose asked, sitting on the picnic table a few feet away from where Lukas was setting up the sign.

     “I’ve gotta finish this, Rose,” He sighed but he walked towards her anyway. “It’s just-you know my dad.” he leaned closer to her and said in the most Bo Waldenbeck voice he could make, “Turkey shoot’s tomorrow, boy. Better have all these signs up-”

     “But it’s so tacky!” Rose interjected.

     Lukas shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s tradition.”

     “Old people standing around shooting birds?”

     “Yeah, I mean, they’ve been doing it for a hundred years, they’re not gonna stop now.”

     Rose’s lips turned up into a teasing smile. “Why do you care?”

     “I don’t care.”

     “Mmm?”

     “I don’t care,” Lukas grinned and poked her playfully in the side. “Look, you don’t even know! It’s just like that’s how they’ve been getting people ready to go to war here.”

     Rose looked away. “Hmm.”

     “Yeah,” Lukas turned to go back to work but Rose grabbed his hand, pulling him back towards her. “Huh?”

     She stood up and took a step towards Lukas. “You remember how I said I wanted us to wait?”

_Is she-_

_Does she want to-_

_Right now?_

     Rose laced her fingers with Lukas’s and backed him up against a tree trunk.

     “Yeah, I-I remember,” Lukas said slowly.

     “I don’t think I want to anymore.” Her eyes were big and inviting, the kind of look she would give him if she wanted something.

     Lukas laughed nervously. “Why not?”

     Instead of answering, Rose kissed him.

_Okay, okay, it’s gonna be fine._

_I can do this._

_This is how it’s supposed to be._

     “Well, you know, you’ve just been so patient with me,” Rose said once she pulled away. Lukas was immediately aware of her hands wandering down to the top of his jeans.

     “Yeah?” He squeaked.

     “Mhmm,” she hummed, unbuttoning his pants. He laughed again uneasily and Rose giggled. She fiddled with his zipper then sunk to her knees.

_Oh god, she’s gonna do it right now._

_Okay, okay._

_I can do this._

_Just think of...think of-_

     His thoughts wandered to Philip and how Philip’s body felt beneath him-

_No._

_I can do this with Rose._

_I can be normal._

_I am normal._

     “And a lot of other guys wouldn’t be that cool,” Rose continued, derailing Lukas’s train of thought.

     “They wouldn’t?”

     “No, they wouldn’t.” She pulled Lukas’s pants down to his ankles, exposing his plaid boxers. She giggled again.

_I can do this._

_Just like everyone else._

     Lukas bent down to kiss her but before they could go further, his phone vibrated loudly in his jeans.

     “Oh, shit,” he mumbled and reached for it, thankful for the distraction. There were three texts from Philip. He opened the most recent one. “Uh-”

_‘The killer saw my jacket...meet right now or I’m telling Helen.’_

     Lukas gulped.

_He wouldn’t._

_He swore he wouldn’t._

_He can’t._

     “Uh, damn it, Rose, I-I’m really sorry-” he tucked his phone away and yanked his pants back up. “I-my dad-he’s about to go full metal jacket on my ass. I gotta get to the range right now and finish this up.”

_He can’t tell Helen._

_He fucking promised._

     Lukas walked briskly towards where his bike was parked, dragging Rose with him. “I’m sorry, gotta go.”

 

**Please Don’t Tell**

As soon as Lukas dropped Rose back off at her house, he sped towards the sheriff station.

_He better not have already fucking told her._

_She can’t know._

_No one can know._

     Lukas spotted Philip on his bike approaching the station. Helen’s jeep sat outside seemingly waiting for Philip to spill the truth. He swung his bike in front of Philip, cutting him off.

     “What?” Philip asked, his tone almost mocking Lukas.

_He fucking knows ‘what’._

     “No,” said Lukas angrily. “You said you wouldn’t tell Helen.” He got off the bike and started to walk it to the side of the building.

     “I wasn’t going to, but then I-”

     “But what?” He snapped. “Huh?”

     “Did you even read my texts?” Philip said, following Lukas and setting his bike to the side. “The guy looked right at me and then he didn’t even follow me when I got off the bus.”

     Lukas didn’t turn around and kept walking towards an open garage. “I hit him really hard, he probably can’t even remember what you look like.”

     “Maybe. Or maybe he wasn’t after me because he was after Tommy.”

     “What?” Lukas spun around. “He doesn’t even k-know Tommy.”

     They walked into the garage and Lukas ran a hand through his hair.

_Relax._

_Everything’s fine._

     He looked around, double and triple checking that they were alone.

_Everything’s fine._

     “Tommy borrowed my jacket, the one that I was wearing that night,” Philip said, urgently trying to get Lukas to understand the severity of what he was saying. “And maybe that’s what he remembers? What if he thinks that Tommy is me?”

     Lukas tensed up.

_No._

_No way._

_Everything’s fine._

     “Are you insane?” He hissed.

     “If I’m insane then how come Tommy hasn’t texted me back all day?”

     “Because he doesn’t like you,” Lukas fired back quickly.

     Philip rolled his eyes and looked away, clearly irritated that Lukas wasn’t even considering the possibility. Lukas took in a deep breath.

     “You’re just overthinking it, alright?” He lightly touched Philip’s chest to get his attention back. “We just-we need to chill.”

_Tommy’s gonna be fine._

_We’re gonna be fine._

_Everything’s gonna be fine._

_It has to be._

     “I just don’t want anything to happen to Tommy because of us,” Philip insisted. “Because we didn’t say anything!”

     “Nothing’s gonna happen!” Lukas snapped. “He’s probably off just hooking up with Tracy somewhere.”

_He doesn’t believe me._

_He’s gonna tell Helen._

     “You said you weren’t gonna tell-”

     Philip shook his head. “No, no, no-”

     “You promised!”

     “No, we should’ve told Helen right when this happened-”

     Lukas stormed towards Philip, pushing him into the concrete wall behind them. “You promised! You-”

     He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at Philip. His eyes were wide and frightened at Lukas’s quick turn to anger.

_I wonder if this is what I looked like when Dad hit me._

     He looked away shamefully and took a deep breath to dissolve the anger in his system.

_I won’t hit Philip again._

_I can’t keep hurting him._

_He’s going to hate me._

_I’m going to drive him away._

_Maybe that’d be for the best._

_No._

_I need him._

_I can’t deal with this shit alone._

     Lukas forced himself meet Philip’s gaze. Philip’s expression had softened but he was still unsure of what Lukas was going to do. Lukas’s hand moved to cup Philip’s neck and he brushed his thumb across Philip’s cheek.

_Don’t leave._

_Don’t make me go through this myself._

_I never wanted to hurt you._

_I just can’t have anyone know what happened._

_I wish you could understand that._

     He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to Philip’s, keeping his touches light and soft as if it could atone for all the times they weren’t.

     “Please, philip,” he said when he pulled away. His voice was weak and strained with desperation. “Don’t...don’t tell.”

     Philip said nothing but tilted his head in a tiny nod. Lukas kissed him again, this time more of a ‘thank you’ than an apology. He let his fingers get tangled in Philip’s hair and ignored every voice that told him people were watching, that they were in plain sight, that they would get caught, because he needed this; he needed Philip.

     “Tommy’s just off hooking up with Tracy somewhere,” Philip said quietly, breaking off the kiss. Lukas nodded and pulled him into a hug.

     “He’s gonna be fine,” He murmured into the crook of Philip’s neck.

_He has to be._

_He can’t get into this mess because of me._

_I can’t have anything else get fucked up because of me._

_He’s gonna be fine._

_And so are we._

     “We’re gonna be fine.” Lukas said for the both of them to hear.

_Everything’s gonna be fine._

_It has to be._


	14. Episode Two: part two

**Nothing Fills The Void Like Whiskey**

Alcohol burned through Lukas’s veins. It made his head spin deliriously and diluted all the bad thoughts and images that had begun to consume Lukas. For the first time in a while he felt untouchable, as if the weights on his shoulders crumbled with each shot of whiskey he took.

     Lukas slammed the bat into the already beaten up car. This corner of the Waldenbeck property was where the broken things were left to rot and be forgotten. Not far from the smashed car was their old barn, now deteriorating from the weather and caving in on itself, and not far from the barn was the tractor too stubborn to let Bo and Lukas fix it. At times, Lukas thought he belonged in this field with the misfit tractor and its battered companions, and he’d sit under the looming oak tree looking out at all the other things Bo deemed broken and unfixable too.

     This time, however, Lukas was there to prove exactly how much he didn’t belong with the trash. With the bat in his hand and the alcohol in his system, he went out to wreck the car to the point where it was undeniably more damaged than Lukas was himself with Philip as his witness.

     With one strong swing, Lukas shattered the passenger side window.

     “Whoo-hoo-hoo!” He shouted and held the bat in the air. Grinning, he looked over at Philip who was wiping dribbles of whiskey off his chin. Philip scrunched his face then let out a similar celebratory yell. Lukas took another hit at the car then, for good measure, kicked the tire too before holding the bat out to Philip.

     “Your turn.”

     Philip looked skeptical.

     “Yeah, take a swing,” Lukas encouraged. “Take a swing.”

     Philip traded the bottle of whiskey for Lukas’s bat.

     “Let’s see what you got!” Lukas said.

     The level of alcohol in Philip was clear when he said drunkenly, “Batter up!” He hit the top of the car with the same amount of force a small child would which made Lukas laugh.

     “Oh, yep,” he smiled. “You swing like a girl.”

     “Shhh,” Philip staggered towards him and held out the bat, mumbling something that just sounded like a bunch of mashed up syllables to Lukas.

     “Oh yeah?” He joked, stooping to pick up a sizable rock. Lukas tossed it into the air but miscalculated his swing and missed completely but the force of his swing threw Lukas into the side of the car, making both of the boys break out in laughter.

     “What was that?” Philip chuckled.

     “Here, hold on,” Lukas picked up the rock again and threw it into the air.

     “Line it up!”

     This time, Lukas hit the rock and the bat cracked loudly as the rock went flying.

     “Ohhh!”

     “Whoo!” Lukas panted from the exertion. “Oh yeah, and that’s gone.”

     Philip slowly walked over to Lukas by the car, making sure not to trip or stumble over the car’s ripped out interior seats that were lying in the grass. “Okay,” he said. “I’m kinda impressed.”

     “That’s gone,” Lukas repeated to make sure Philip knew just how far the rock went.

     “Pretty impressed,” Philip admitted. Pride swelled inside Lukas’s chest. Philip leaned against the car and handed the bottle to Lukas. “So where’s your girlfriend?”

     “Mmm, I dunno,” he shrugged. He pressed his lips to the bottle then took a swig. “But, uh, she wants to blow me.” Lukas laughed and looked over at Philip to see his reaction. Philip just looked unamused. “You jealous?”

     “You want me to be,” Philip said smugly.

_Yeah, I do._

     Lukas laughed again. “Screw you.”

     The alcohol increased his arrogance and with the baseball bat in tow, Lukas felt invincible. “You know what?” he said, giving the bottle to Philip so he could clutch the bat with both hands. “If that killer finds me, this time, I’m gonna-” he rammed the bat into the car as hard as he could. “Bash his skull in.”

_I’m gonna kill him this time._

_I’m gonna fix it._

_We’re gonna be safe._

     “Right, okay,” Philip said sarcastically. “Tough guy.” He dropped his gaze to look down at the bottle. “Too bad he’s not looking for us.”

     “Oh, yeah,” Lukas chuckled. “Watch out, Tommy. He’s coming for you.”

     Philip’s face hardened as he looked over at Lukas.

     “What? He’s…” Lukas dropped the end of his sentence, knowing Philip doesn’t see the humor in his own paranoia. “I’m just kidding.”

     Philip turned away. Lukas studied his facial expressions and watched as Philip’s thoughts wandered into the dark corners of his mind.

_Fuck, why did I say that?_

_Now he probably thinks I’m an asshole._

     “It was-it was a joke. I’m just-” He sighed then took the bottle and long shot of the whiskey. “Ugh,” he gagged as he set the bottle on top of the car. He looked over at Philip again who was still clearly tense and trapped by his theories of the killer going after Tommy.

     “I’m kidding!” Lukas laughed and poked Philip’s side, trying to draw out a smile. He took a step closer and shook his shoulders playfully. “It was a joke, come on.”

     Philip rolled his eyes.

_Alright, come on._

_Fucking smile already._

_It was just a joke._

     Lukas grabbed Philip’s shoulder and pushed him onto the old backseat of the car that was lying in the grass. “It’s alright, he’s gonna be fine,” he assured Philip then poked at him again until the smile slowly came back to Philip’s face and he wrestled Lukas back, unable to contain his laughter.

     The loud blare of a police siren shot them apart. Lukas sat up immediately and peered over the hood of the car.

     “Wait-” Helen Torrance’s Jeep was parked a couple yards away from where the boys were. “Ohh shit.”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Why is she here?_

_If I don’t feel as drunk now, can she still get me in trouble?_

_Ah shit, she’s gonna tell my dad._

_He’s gonna know I was here with Philip._

_No, it’s gonna fine, we didn’t-I didn’t- do anything_

_Doesn’t matter._

_He still won’t understand._

     “What, what, what?” Philip propped himself up on his elbows to get a look at what Lukas saw. Lukas quickly scrambled away from him just as Helen rounded the beat up car.

     “Ah, so you two are the source of my noise complaint.” Helen said. Lukas couldn’t tell by her voice if she’s angry or not yet.

_Oh thank god._

_It’s just a noise complaint._

_Maybe she’ll let us off easy._

_Maybe she won’t tell my dad._

     “Noise?” Lukas said hoarsely. “There’s no one out here but us.”

     “Sound travels fast across open fields.” She picked up the bottle of whiskey from the top of the car. Lukas had completely forgotten it was still there. Philip groaned and fell back onto the ripped out backseat. Helen clicked her tongue. “I guess we’ll have to discuss this at the station too.”

     “The station?” Philip winced.

     Helen jerked her head towards her car. “In the Jeep, let’s go.”

     The boys slowly trudged back towards the Jeep and shamefully slid into the backseat. The ride to the station was silent until Helen reached for her radio.

     “Tony? I need you to get in touch with Bo Waldenbeck and invite him to the station. We have some things to discuss.”

     “Sure thing, Boss.”

     Lukas sighed loudly, closed his eyes, and sunk into his seat.

     “Go wait inside,” Helen said once they pulled up to the station. “I’m gonna call Gabe.”

     The boys walked with their heads hung into the office. Philip threw himself into one of the chairs and Lukas spread himself out on the floor, hoping the coldness of it would soothe his pressing headache. Through the thin walls of the station, he could hear Helen talking on the phone but couldn’t make out the words.

     “Why-why did you kiss me earlier?” Philip asked, breaking the silence.

     “What?”

     “Because you wanted to or because-” he took in a breath, “you didn’t want me to tell?”

_Both._

_He doesn’t get it though._

_I shouldn’t have done it at all._

     When Lukas spoke, he kept his voice low in case Helen could hear him through the walls.

     “I’m not supposed to like you this way.”

     A second passed then a new voice erupted outside. This one Lukas recognized immediately.

_Dad._

_Fuck._

     Lukas shot up, scrambling to pull together a plan or a lie. He cursed under his breath.

_I can’t lie, not to Dad._

_He’ll see right through it._

_Fuck, what do I do?_

     “What do you want me to say? I’ll say whatever you want,” Philip said, sitting up in the chair.

     Lukas spotted a bottle of hand sanitizer on top of the filing cabinets.

_If we drink this, we won’t have to talk._

_I won’t have to lie._

_And by the time we aren’t sick anymore, it’ll all be forgotten._

     He quickly unscrewed the top. “We can’t talk, right, if we’re even more wasted.”

     “Is that hand sanitizer?” Philip asked with the tone of disgust, “No, no, don’t do that-”

     Lukas ignored him and gulped down as much of it as he could stomach. It took everything in him to keep from throwing up right then. He grimaced and handed it to Philip.

     “Drink this,” he thrusted it at him when Philip didn’t immediately take it. “Drink this.”

     Philip shook his head. “No, no, no-”

     “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Lukas sat in the chair next to him. “Put it down.”

     “Are you serious?” Philip squeaked, shooting him an uneasy look.

     “Uh huh.”

     Philip sighed but took a drink of the hand sanitizer. “Oh my god,” he choked, giving it back to Lukas who screwed the top back on and tucked it away just as the door swung open.

     “Okay,” Helen said, Bo and Gabe walking in behind her. “So who has the fake ID?”

     Her question was met with silence. Lukas couldn’t bring himself to look at his dad but he could feel Bo’s eyes glaring at him. Lukas’s stomach lurched and he didn’t know if it was because of that or the hand sanitizer.

     “So, what, you two are friends now?” Bo asked.

     That was a question Lukas could answer instantly.

     “No.”

     “No?” Helen asked the same way she did when she interrogated Lukas at the barn about his tire tracks.

_God, I wish she’d stop playing those fucking games._

     “You just happen to get drunk and smash windows together?”

     “Babe-” Gabe muttered.

     “I don’t get it,” Bo said gruffly. “What the hell’s goin’ on with you two?”

     The hand sanitizer had started to burn in Lukas’s stomach and churn up the whiskey and everything else in it. His face grew hot as he lurched forward, ready to get it out of his system.

     “Hold on, hold on-” Helen rushed to get a trash can but Lukas had already thrown up all over the floor. “Okay, okay,” she sighed, rubbing his back. “You know what? Why don’t we just-we can come back tomorrow and we’ll talk about it then?”

     “Yeah, we’ll talk about that first thing tomorrow,” Bo said harshly, yanking Lukas up from the chair. “Come on.”

     “Dad-” he croaked as they walked out to the parking lot. He opened his mouth to apologize but instead he hunched over and threw up again near the bushes.

     “Get it out now,” Bo said. “I don’t need that shit in my truck.”

     Lukas kept his gaze out the window as they drove back to their house. If he kept his eyes on the horizon, his stomach calmed down enough to stop forcing vomit back up his throat.

_He’s not gonna forget this in the morning._

_I’m still gonna be grounded._

     “I-I don’t understand you,” Bo spoke finally. “One minute you’re gettin’ in fights with some foster kid and the next you’re drinkin’ with him like old friends? Honestly, Lukas, what’s goin’ on with you?”

     A whisper was all Lukas could manage.

     “Nothing.”

     “I don’t want you runnin’ around with the trash of Tivoli, you understand? Can’t have that kid steering you off the right path. You’re on the verge of a sponsorship, I woulda thought you’d start gettin’ your shit together by now.”

     “Okay.” Lukas mumbled miserably. When they pulled up to the house, Lukas stumbled straight into the bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet. He rested his head on the cool porcelain and waited for the waves of nausea to subside. The front door closed loudly and Lukas listened closely to the sound of Bo’s footsteps passing the bathroom and disappearing into the kitchen.

_I belong in that field._

_With all the other shit Dad doesn’t want anymore._

_That car will never be as fucked up as I am._

 

**You’re Supposed To Be Better**

“There we go,” Bo grunted as he and Lukas set down concrete blocks behind the wheels of the trailer it from moving. The turkeys in the coop on top of the trailer gobbled uneasily.  Bo turned to Lukas.

     “Wanna help Orville with the hitch?”

_Not really._

     “Yeah.” Lukas jogged over to the back of the tractor where Bo’s oldest friend, Orville, was struggling to get trailer off the back of the tractor. Lukas shot him a smile then went to work on the hitch.

     “Well, you know, son,” Bo said slowly. “I know you weren’t that close to, uh, Tommy and his girlfriend, but if anybody pressures you about drugs…”

     Automatically, Lukas answered.

     “No way.”

     Metal clinked as they freed the tractor.

     “Whatever you need, you can talk to me, right?”

_Talk to you about how I saw three guys get fucking murdered?_

_Talk to you about how I feel more when Philip’s in the same room with me than when Rose is topless in my lap?_

_I’ve never been able to talk to you about anything._

_But whatever helps you sleep at night._

     “Okay, Dad,” he said dully, as he stood up and set his hand on top of the coop.

     “All right, go get some water and food for these birds,” Bo instructed.  

     Lukas glanced around, contemplating whether or not to bring up the day before. They hadn’t discussed it since the ride home from the station, and while Lukas didn’t particularly want rehash it, he still felt the urge to apologize.

_Maybe an apology will make up for it._

_For being with Philip._

     He licked his lips. “Hey dad?” Lukas hesitantly walked over towards Bo, dragging his fingers along the coop. “Sorry about yesterday.”

     Bo was silent for a moment and dropped his head.

_Fuck, I shouldn’t have brought it up._

     “Yeah, I just-” Bo paused, looking back up at his son. “Uh, I can understand drinking. We all got into that in high school, but smashing windows with some city kid? You’re supposed to be better than that.”

_Better than Philip?_

_Or better than vandalism?_

_Why does it always have to be about Philip?_

_If I were friends with Tommy instead would it still be this big a deal?_

_Wait-no-not Tommy._

_Because Tommy’s dead._

_Because Tommy was murdered._

_Because if I had fucking said something then maybe he’d still be alive._

_Tommy’s dead because I wanted things to stay the same._

_Because I traded his life for-for-_

     “Go ahead, Orville!” Bo barked. “Fire her up!” The tractor engine revved as Lukas turned to look at the turkeys. For a second, he thought one of them looked back at him.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so fucking sorry._

_I can’t save you either._

 

**It’s All My Fault**

The wrecked car Lukas and Philip had taken a bat to the other day now sat and watched as Lukas paced in front of it, destroying himself more than he ever did the car.

_Tommy and Tracy are dead and it’s my fault._

_Did they struggle when he tried to put the needles in their arms?_

_Did it hurt or were they too high to notice?_

_Would they still be alive if I told Helen what we saw?_

_Of course they would._

_But they’re not._

_Because I didn’t._

_Two families have to bury their kids now because of me._

     Lukas turned on a dime, his fingers curling into fists at his side to keep from shaking. He wanted to hit something, to release just a small bit of all the pressure inside him, but he didn’t have the bat with him so he resorted to kicking the car tires until he was sure he had bruised all his toes.

_If I wasn’t such a coward Tommy and Tracy would be alive._

     Another swift kick. The hard rubber bit back and pain shot up his leg.

_I deserve this._

_I should’ve died in the cabin with everyone else._

     “I’M RIGHT HERE!” He screamed as loudly as he could, his voice cracking with effort. “COME GET ME, YOU SICK BASTARD!” He let out an anguished cry. Tears pricked at his eyes but he refused to let them fall. Instead, he ran to his bike and revved the engine, hoping it would be loud enough to both draw the killer towards him and drown out his own thoughts.

     “Hey!”

     Lukas recognized Philip’s voice without having to turn around and look at him.

     “No!” Lukas shouted back.

_No, we’re not talking about it._

_No, everything’s not okay._

     “Tommy and Tracy-”

      Lukas revved the engine again to drown out Philip.

     “Hey!”

     “WHAT?” Lukas roared, whipping around to face him.

     “I showed Helen the pictures of Tommy and Tracy, she still thinks they overdosed.” Philip said quickly. “You know he killed them. What if he’s still out there?”

     “No,” Lukas growled and backed away from his bike.

_We’re not talking about it._

_I won’t talk about it._

     He turned sharply and kicked the car’s grille, not caring that his feet were begging him to stop, that they were already too battered from the first round.

     “No!” Lukas yelled.

     “Stop! Stop!” Philip pulled Lukas away from the car and made Lukas face him, holding onto the sides of his arms. He squeezed them tightly. “Stop.”

_Stop._

_I really fucking wish I could, Philip._

_I wish everything would just stop._

_But it’s never going to._

_Because I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it._

     “It’s never gonna stop, is it, Philip?” Lukas cried. “All this killing, it’s never gonna stop.” All the emotions tugging at Lukas were beginning to drain him. His limbs felt thousands of pounds heavier and all he wanted to do was collapse and sink into the dirt.

_Like Tommy and Tracy._

_Six feet under._

     “And it’s my fault.”

     “What are you talking about?” Philip’s voice now soft and concerned. He let his hands fall back to his sides.

_Everything._

    “Tommy and Tracy…” Lukas ran a trembling hand through his hair. “The turkeys… They’re just gonna shoot them, for nothing. And it’s my fault.” He dropped his head, unable to even look at Philip while he was biting back tears.

     “Doesn’t have to be.” Philip grabbed the helmets off the ground and handed one to Lukas. “Here.” He put a hand on Lukas’s chest then heads towards the bike.

_He’s right._

_We can still save the turkeys._

_We have to save the turkeys._

     “Come on, let’s go!”

     Lukas pulled on his helmet and kicked the bike into gear as Philip wrapped his arms around him. He drove as fast as he could to the opposite side of the Waldenbeck property where the turkey shoot was going to take place. Philip’s grip tightened almost to the point of pain but Lukas didn’t care.

_We’re going to save the turkeys._

_This is something I can fix._

_Something I can save._

     He didn’t even bother to park the bike once they got to the site and sprinted straight towards the coop with so much force that he stumbled right into it. He curled his fingers around the wiring, staring blankly into the empty coop.

_It’s too late._

_They’re already dead._

_I’m always too late._

     Next to him, he could hear Philip panting as he caught up to him. A gunshot rang through the field and Lukas was thrown back into the cabin, watching the killer shoot one of the men point blank in the face. Then he flashes forward, to a scene he wasn’t even witness to, where Tommy and Tracy were writhing on the ground as the drugs burned up their insides.

     The weight of it all forced Lukas to his knees. He took in a jagged breath but when he went to exhale, he sobbed instead.

_If I wasn’t such a piece of shit-_

_If I was fucking normal-_

_If I hadn’t-_

     Philip put a hand on his shoulder but Lukas violently shook it off.

     “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

     “Lukas-” Philip reached out again.

     “I SAID DON’T!” He snarled, trying to swat Philip away but Philip was persistent and wrapped his arms around Lukas despite him fighting. “D-don’t touch me-s-stop it-go a-away-”

     Philip hugged him tighter and the fight dissolved into more sobs.

     “It’s okay,” Philip murmured.

     Lukas curled into Philip’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut to finally get rid of the tears.

     “No, it’s n-n-not.”

     “We’re gonna pretend it is.”

     “It’s a-all my f-fault,” Lukas said between shallow raspy breaths. Philip said nothing because they both knew there was a piece of truth to it, but he pressed his fingers into Lukas’s back as if he could pull Lukas back together if he only held him tighter.

_I could’ve done something but I didn’t._

_I still can do something but I won’t._

_I can’t._

     Eventually, when he was exhausted of tears and light headed from the uneven breathing, Philip felt Lukas’s muscles relax but he made no move to break away from Philip.

     “I don’t know how to fix this,” Lukas said quietly into Philip’s shirt once he’d calmed down.

     “We have to tell Helen,” Philip whispered. “That’s the only way.”

     Lukas pulled away from Philip to look at him and realized Philip’s cheeks were glistening with tear streaks too. Lukas ducked his head and rubbed his sore eyes.

     “I can’t,” he mumbled. “I just-I-I can’t.” He heard Philip take in a deep breath then added, “I never wanted it to turn out like this. I didn’t think anyone else would get hurt.”

     “I know.”

     Lukas grabbed the back of Philip’s neck and pulled him closer until their cheeks were pressed against each others. He closed his eyes again and moved his hand to cup Philip’s other cheek. He lightly brushed his thumb across Philip’s eyelashes.

     This was okay. This wasn’t as dangerous as kissing, but it was every bit as intimate, and for a while they forgot all the chaos and death surrounding them. It was just them and things were okay because they pretended, because Philip’s skin beneath Lukas’s fingers and his breath on Lukas’s neck made it seem like that was all there was. And if all there was was Philip, then things were okay.


	15. Episode Three: part one

**In Memory of Tommy and Tracy**

At the head of the gym, Principal Howard gripped the sides of a podium and bowed his head solemnly. Lukas squirmed in the stands.

     “Good morning and thank you all for joining here today, despite the toll I know the recent devastating events have taken on each of you.”

_Like we had a choice to be here._

     “We’re here to remember the lives of Thomas Langdon and Tracy Duvall, two beloved former students that fell victim to the drug epidemic that’s infecting students in schools across the nation.”

     Lukas spotted Philip sitting in the bleachers on the opposite side of the gym. He was watching the principal, his face cool and devoid of any strong emotion. Lukas looked away.

_How can he just sit here and feel nothing?_

_How can he sit there and pretend this isn’t our fault?_

     Guilt tightly twisted his insides and anger pulled at the hairs on his arm. Lukas tried to focus on what Principal Howard was saying but his thoughts were louder and more aggressive, yanking back his attention.

_You know it’s not Philip’s fault._

_Philip isn’t the one who refused to tell Helen._

_Philip isn’t the one who had the idea of even going back to the cabin._

     Frustrated tears stung his eyes as a slideshow shoved smiling pictures of Tommy and Tracy down his throat. Beside him, a red headed girl he’d never talked to choked back sobs.

_This is my fault._

_They were murdered because of me._

_And Philip and I are next._

     “I’d like to thank the multimedia department for putting together that video, and to everyone who submitted pictures.” Principal Howard said, nodding politely. “Today, after the service, we will all be heading to the Hilton Hotel in Poughkeepsie so you all have a chance to get out of Tivoli. While at the hotel, we’ll be holding mandatory counseling sessions in the hotel’s conference rooms. This will serve as a chance for you to talk through these feelings and come to peace with the situation. There will be two meetings later today and one tomorrow morning.”

_Fuck that._

_I’m not going to sit and listen to everyone cry all night._

_Not when I know it’s my fault._

     “Now at this time, I’m welcoming Mr. and Mrs. Langdon, as well as Mr. Duvall, to the stage.”

     Lukas bit down hard on his bottom lip as three adults walked slowly towards the podium. A mousy looking woman leaned into the microphone.

     “As you all know, my son Tommy overdosed recently.” She paused to suck in her cheeks then dab her eyes with tissue. “I’m g-going to take this time to address the dangers of heroin, so no parent has to b-bury their kid due to an entirely preventable death-”

_Preventable._

_She thinks her son is the one who traded his life for a high, when it’s me who traded his life to keep a secret._

_I traded two lives to keep a secret._

_I might as well have stuck the needle into their arms myself._

     He clenched his hands into fists but it didn’t stop the hot tears from pricking at the corners of his eyes again.

_I can’t be here._

_I can’t sit here through this bullshit knowing-knowing I could’ve stopped all this-_

     Lukas stood up abruptly, startling the students around him. He made his way out of the stands as quickly and quietly as he could then made a beeline from the gymnasium to the door he knew would take him to the roof.

     The gravel crunched angrily under his feet as he stormed to the edge of the roof. In his hand, torn and crumpled, was the memorial pamphlet. With an anguished cry and every ounce of strength he had, Lukas hurled the wadded pamphlet off the edge and watched as it delicately fell down to the concrete below.

     He took a step back and crouched, pinching the bridge of his nose to release the tears he didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. Sounds of footsteps neared him, and though he knew it was probably Philip, Lukas didn’t turn to look.

     “Lukas, you all right?” Philip asked, walking into Lukas’s view. “I saw you sneak out of the ceremony, what’s up?”

_What’s up is we’re having a memorial service for people who should still be alive._

     “I can’t be crying like some bitch,” He muttered instead, furiously wiping his eyes. “Not in front of the whole school.”

     Philip crouched down to meet his eye level, but Lukas still found a way to avert looking at him.

     “You know, it’s a memorial service, you’re supposed to cry. Everyone is upset about Tommy and Tracy-”

     Lukas lifted his head up quickly. “I’m not everyone, am I?” He snapped.

_I’m the one who did it._

_I’m the one that fucked up so badly people were killed._

     “Okay, Lukas, listen-”

     Lukas shied away. “No. I know what you’re gonna say.”

_Telling Helen is the only way._

_We should’ve told her as soon as it happened._

_Doesn’t he know I already fucking get that?_

_I would’ve told Helen, I swear I would’ve, if-if-_

_Well, that doesn’t matter now._

_Because I didn’t tell Helen._

_And now it’s too late._

     He stood up, brushing off the gravel that clung to his jeans. “They overdosed,” he repeated the lie out loud as if hearing himself say it would make turn the statement into reality. “It’s got nothing to do with us.”

     Lukas walked over to the edge, standing so close to it that his toes hung off the building.

_I wonder if I’d die if I fell right now._

_Would they hold a service for me?_

     “Hey, whoa, whoa-” Philip ran over to the ledge and grabbed Lukas’s arm. “What are you doing?”

_I’m going to end it._

_The guilt, the shame, the nightmares, the flashbacks._

_All of it will go away once I lean just a little bit more forward._

     “I ke-I keep seeing it.” Lukas mumbled, keeping his gaze on the tops of the trees and buildings ahead of them.

     “Seeing what? What are you talking about?”

     The trees and buildings faded into the background and suddenly Lukas was back in the cabin again, clutching the frying pan as the killer aims the gun at Philip.

     “That guy. I’m standing right behind him and I’m holding the frying pan, but-”

     He knows this is the part of the scene where he hits the killer over the head with the frying pan and runs out with Philip but he’s frozen in place. Everything inside him is screaming and begging for him to move, but he can’t.

     “I can’t move.”

     The gun goes off and Philip’s blood pools at their feet. The killer turns around but his face is blurred as he points the gun at Lukas’s forehead.

     “He shoots you, and then he turns and looks straight at me. He’s gonna kill me. I can’t make it stop.”

     Philip puts his other arm around Lukas, pulling him both away from the edge and out of the flashback.

     “It’s never gonna stop,” he said quietly.  “Not unless we tell.”

     Lukas glanced down at his feet. He almost expected to see them stained crimson with blood.

_It won’t stop even if we tell._

_It’s always going to be like this._

_It’s always going to be my fault._

     “Hey, look.” Philip took Lukas’s shoulders and turned him so they were facing each other. “Look at me.” Lukas hesitantly lifted his eyes to meet Philip’s. “I told you, it’s only gonna get worse if you keep it a secret. It’s-it’s not just gonna go away, it doesn’t work like that.”

     “How come you’re so chill?”

_How are you not falling apart too?_

     Philip licked his lips and took a deep breath before answering. “I’ve had to be cool for my mom, I can be cool for you too.”

     “You-your mom know you’re gay?”

     Philip squeezed Lukas’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing away the tension under the skin. “Yeah.”

_Of course she does._

_Because you can be gay and nothing happens._

_Because when you don’t have to worry about getting disowned or thrown out of the junior circuit, why not tell mom?_

     Lukas looked away but Philip tried to pull his gaze back.

     “I told her about you.” Lukas’s head snapped up, his eyes wide as they met Philip’s. “S-she won’t say anything, she’s-”

     “There’s nothing to say.” He said firmly.

_I’m not gay._

_We weren’t there that night in the cabin._

_There’s nothing to say._

     Philip sucked in his lips and shook his head slowly.

     “Okay.” he said finally.

     Lukas pushed back the hair falling into his eyes. “I can’t go to this stupid overnight with counselors, talking about my feelings and-”

     “Yeah, I know,” Philip sighed. “It’s-it’s so dumb.” He let his hands fall back to his sides and Lukas wanted to reach out and put them back where they were. “So what do you want to do instead?”

     “I don’t know,” Lukas shrugged. “Something to make me forget this shit.”

     Philip licked his lips slowly enough to make Lukas think he was hinting at something.

     “I got an idea. Let’s go to the city.”

 

**Three Things**

_This is never gonna work._

     Lukas ran a thumb over his fake ID as he and Philip walked down a busy sidewalk in the city.

_No one’s gonna believe this is real._

     “They’re gonna know it’s fake.” He said, studying the tiny square picture of himself. “I mean, I look like a goon in this picture.”

     Philip squinted to look at it. “Yeah, maybe it’s not the picture.”

     A wide grin spread across Lukas’s face and he shoved Philip’s shoulder playfully.

     “Okay, three things you love, three things you hate, go.”

     “What?”

     Philip shrugged. “I don’t know anything about you.”

_What the hell is he talking about?_

_He knows everything about me._

_More than anyone else._

     “You know a lot about me.”

     Philip rolled his eyes. “I know that you jump bikes and that you think I’m a better kisser than Rose.”

     Heat flooded Lukas’s cheeks. While he’d never explicitly told Philip he was a better kisser than Rose, Lukas didn’t deny it either. Instead, he shied away and focused on the pieces of chewed gum stuck to the sidewalk.

     “I’m not really into her.”

     “Yeah, okay, that’s one thing. But like… like what else? You don’t ever talk.”

_I do too._

_Just not about sappy shit._

_Not about stuff that matters._

_But that’s only because it’s not easy to talk about that stuff._

     “Everyone thinks I’m cool because I don’t talk, but it’s just ‘cause I never know what to say.”

     “I bet you got lots to say.”

     Lukas shook his head. “Not really.” He kept walking until he realized Philip was no longer next to him. He turned around to find him standing off to the side. “What?”

     Philip pressed his lips together as Lukas walked back over to him. Lukas could tell he was debating on whether or not to say what he was thinking.

_He’s gonna say something dumb or make some declaration._

_Maybe I’ll hear another lecture about telling Helen._

     Enough time had passed that Lukas thought Philip wasn’t going to say anything at all and was going to start walking again but then Philip took in a deep breath and spoke.

     “I’ve never used a condom before.”

     Lukas’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to wrap his mind around what he’d just said.

_But he told me in the cabin-_

     “I mean, I-I carry one with me, but I’ve never...done it.”

     Before Lukas could respond, Philip began walking again. He hurried to catch up to Philip, dodging the random people also walking on the sidewalk until he was back at Philip’s side.

     “So you lied then?” He asked, slightly out of breath. “That night in the cabin when I asked you-”

     “I didn’t lie,” Philip said quickly. He ducked his head. “I just-I don’t know, I mean I’ve done some stuff, just not all of it. I guess I thought maybe if you thought I’d done it before then you’d feel more-I don't know-comfortable.”

    Lukas said nothing but pressed his lips together to hide a tiny smile.

     “Come on,” Philip jerked his head in the direction of a pizza place across the street. “Let’s eat, I’m hungry.”

 

**Rick Anderton**

Lukas’s heart pounded against his chest as they waited in line to get into the club. He looked down at his fake ID in his hand and fiddled with it nervously.

_They’re gonna know._

_What kind of name is Rick Anderton?_

_I don’t even look like a Rick Anderton._

_Fuck, what happens when they call us out?_

_Will they call the police?_

_Oh, god, I can’t have Dad knowing I skipped the school counselling session to go to a club with Philip._

_He’d kill me._

     “You’re obsessed with that thing,” Philip muttered, looking over his shoulder at Lukas.

     “I don’t think I look like a Rick Anderton.”

     “Whoever it says you are, just go with it.” Philip mumbled back as he stepped forward to hand the bouncer his fake.

_How is he not freaking out?_

_We could fucking go to jail for this._

     The bouncer studied the ID for a moment then stamped Philip’s hand and let him into the building. Sweat beaded on Lukas’s forehead as he gave his ID to the bouncer.

_He’s gonna know._

_He’s probably seen tons of kids with fakes before._

_Why is this taking so long?_

     Lukas pinched his fingers nervously. Finally, the bouncer stamped his hand and handed back the ID. Philip was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs, beaming.

     “See, I told you it’d be fine,” he said.

     Lukas rolled his eyes and followed him up the steps. They turned the corner to enter the club and instead of the flashing lights or the music loud enough to make his ears hurt, the first thing Lukas noticed was the two guys making out against a wall.

_What the fuck is this?_

_Where are we?_

     He looked past the couple but the club was full of guys. Guys dancing with each other, guys flirting at the bar, and guys kissing in the corners.

_This is a gay club._

     “What the hell, Philip?” Lukas snapped. “You think this is a joke?”

_I wanted a distraction from all this shit, from all these feelings, and he thought fucking immersion therapy was the best way to go?_

     Philip laughed, not understanding that Lukas wasn’t joking around. “What?”

     “Are you serious?”

     “What?”

     “This is a gay club?”

     Philip shrugged, a small smile still playing at his lips. “Where did you think we were going?”

_Not fucking here._

     “A regular club.”

     “Yeah, okay, well we’re here now, so let’s get a drink-”

_No._

_Absolutely not._

     Lukas shook his head. “I’m not staying here.”

     “I’m not gonna leave until we get a drink.”

     “Whatever.” Lukas scoffed and turned to leave.

     “Are you serious?” Philip yelled after him but Lukas was already halfway down the stairs.

_A gay club._

_No, fuck that._

     Lukas leaned against the brick wall outside of the club, wanting more than anything to just walk all the way back home, but he kept his feet rooted into the concrete sidewalk.

_I can’t ditch Philip._

_Well, I could, he grew up here._

_He probably knows his way around._

_No. I’m not that much of a dick._

     He kicked tiny pebbles at his feet, watching them skitter across the pavement into the street. Sirens wailed in the distance as Lukas turned his attention to the people walking down the street. A group of girls staggered down the sidewalk while trying to hold up their one clearly intoxicated friend, a homeless man sat on the corner with a cardboard sign that was too dark for Lukas to read.

     The sirens faded and turned into laughter as two guys walked out to a cab with their fingers laced together as they crossed the street. The couple embraced before one of them ducked into the cab. Another gay couple caught Lukas’s attention, just as open and happy as the couple that walked to the cab.

_How do they not care?_

_Can’t they see other people staring?_

     Lukas sighed. The music from inside the club leaked out as the door opened. Lukas glanced to see if it was Philip but it wasn’t.

_How long is he gonna fucking spend in there?_

     An image of Philip dancing with some other guy crept into Lukas’s mind. He quickly shooed it away.

_Stop._

     “Hey.”

     Lukas rolled his eyes at the sound of Philip’s voice and started walking to put as much distance between him and the gay club as possible.

     “Asshole,” he said under his breath.

     Philip let out an exasperated breath then caught up to him. “Why are you so pissed off?”

_Why don’t you get it?_

_What part of I don’t want to fucking deal with any of this didn’t you understand?_

     “I told you I wanted to get away from all the shit that’s going on,” He said, trying to keep his voice level. “A-and you bring me here?”

     “Nobody cares who you are here!” Philip insisted. Lukas stopped in front of a parked car and turned around to face him. “You can be Rick Anderton, nobody cares.” Philip continued. “Don’t you get that?”

     Lukas rubbed the back of his neck. Every muscle in his body was exhausted from being tense all the time. Despite the club, despite Philip not understanding Lukas’s need to keep everything under wraps at all time, Lukas still was having a hard time gathering enough energy to continue being mad, or even just annoyed, with him.

     “Come on, I-I thought,” Philip’s shoulders sagged. “I thought this would help.”

_He wasn’t trying to make things worse._

_He thought he was helping._

_Why am I such an asshole?_

_Fuck._

_How do I fix this?_

     He studied Philip’s face, from the endearing look in his eyes, to the pinkness in his cheeks from the chillness in the air. It made Lukas’s chest swell with pride just to know that all this boy ever wanted to do was make Lukas feel comfortable and safe. He wanted Philip to know that he wanted to meet him in the middle and return all the gestures, but he just wasn’t sure how to yet.

     “You know,” Lukas said slowly, “If my mom was alive, maybe I’d tell her about you too.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and even though he wanted to, he didn’t shy away from their eye contact so Philip would know the sincerity behind his words. “That’s the third thing.”

     Philip blinked. His face was caught in the middle of confusion and flattery.

     “What?”

     Lukas shrugged bashfully. “You said you wanted to know three things about me.”

     The corner of Philip’s lips turned upwards in a small smile but it wasn’t enough to make Lukas feel pardoned. He took a deep breath and put his hand on Philip’s neck, the tips of his fingers brushed against the ends of Philip’s hair.

_No one cares here._

_No one yelled or threw things at the gay couples earlier._

_It’s fine._

_I have to show him that I’m trying, because I am, I swear to god I am._

_It’s just really fucking hard._

_But I can do this._

_Because here it’s okay._

_Here, nobody cares._

     Lukas closed his eyes, ignored everything screaming at him that this was too out, too in public, and kissed Philip. It felt freeing to kiss him in full view, not huddled in the shadows, and he felt his body relax for the first time in days. He deepened the kiss and relished the one moment it was okay be in the open.

     Even after he pulled away, Lukas kept his eyes closed for just a moment longer.

_It’s okay._

_Everything’s okay._

_I kissed him and no one cared._

     When he finally opened them, Philip was looking back at him dumbfounded.

     “You just kissed me,” he said like he quite didn’t believe his own words. “Outside, in public.” He laughed incredulously.

     “I didn’t,” Lukas grinned. “Rick Anderton did.”

     Philip sucked in his lips but it didn’t keep away the smile. “I like Rick Anderton.”

     Lukas chuckled then kissed him again quickly.  “Let’s go,” he said, taking Philip’s hand and pulling him across the street. He wasn’t going to waste the one night it was okay to be out with Philip, the one night they had away from the mess waiting for them back in Tivoli, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do with the time they had left.


	16. Episode Three: part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took longer than expected, life gets in the way sometimes. I hope you all enjoy my version of what happened that night in the city.

**Night Out**

Lukas had never seen so many lights in one place. All different colors, some flashing, some running along the borders of signs, all bright and begging for his attention. His senses were overloading with all the sights. It made his stomach drop and his heart flutter with anticipation the way it often did at the start of a race. 

_      This is fucking insane. _

     “You’ve really never been to Times Square before?” Philip asked, watching Lukas struggle to take in all the sights.

     Lukas shook his head. He gripped Philip’s hand tighter. People were everywhere, bustling down the sidewalks and into stores, and the lights made it feel as if there was a giant spotlight shining down on the two of them. 

_      It’s okay. _

_      No one cares. _

_      No one knows who you are. _

     “So, what do you think?”

     “It’s-” Lukas tried to find the right word but none of them seemed to fit right. “Overwhelming,” he breathed.

     Philip squeezed his hand and pulled him over to the bright red steps in the middle of the square then picked a spot all the way at the top to sit down. Lukas looked at the other people sitting on the steps skeptically. 

_      They’re not looking at you. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

_      No one cares. _

     “The only problem with the city is that you can’t see the stars,” Philip mumbled, looking up at the pitch black sky.

     Lukas shrugged.  He looked out at the hoards of billboards, flashing and scrolling messages, and all the cabs with their headlights trying to weave through the street. It was enticing and sitting in the center of it all was more exhilarating than Lukas ever dreamed. 

     “Screw stars,” he said finally. “This-” he gestured to the square with the hand that wasn’t still entwined in Philip’s, “is savage.”

     Philip laughed. “Yeah, yeah, it’s pretty savage.” He sighed then rested his head on Lukas’s shoulder. 

_      It’s fine. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

_      No one cares. _

     “Are we gonna have to sleep on these stairs?” Philip asked quietly after some time had passed. “Or do you have an idea in mind for that too?”

_      Fuck, I didn’t even think about that. _

     “No, I, uh, I got a plan.” 

 

After a lot of persuading and promising not to touch anything, Lukas got his cousin to agree to let them stay at his small apartment nearby. 

     “Here we go,” Lukas muttered, grabbing the spare key out from under the welcome mat in front of the apartment door.

     “Has your cousin ever been robbed before?” Philip asked.

     Lukas shrugged. “I dunno, why?” He wiggled the key in the lock until it gave up and let the boys in the apartment.

     “That’s the most obvious place to hide a spare.”

     Lukas looked around at the cramped apartment his cousin called home. It was littered with empty beer cans and fast food wrappers, there was an elephant shaped orange stain on the couch cushion, and it smelled vaguely of locker room. He held back a grimace.

_      Better than nothing. _

     “Yeah, well, no one looks in the obvious spots anymore,” Lukas said, making a beeline for the tiny kitchen. He cursed under his breath once he opened the fridge to find it devoid of any substantial food aside from a jar of dijon mustard, a tub of Cool Whip, something rotting in a Tupperware container, and a half eaten cluster of grapes on a paper plate.

_      ‘Don’t touch anything’ my asshole, he’s got nothing here to touch! _

     “Your cousin out of town or something?” Philip asked, sitting on the counter. 

     “He’s got a small shitty band that he tours with, I guess.” Lukas grabbed the Cool Whip and set it on the counter next to Philip’s thigh then searched for a spoon. He found a plastic one lodged between the coffee pot and the toaster and rinsed it off in the sink before sticking it into the Cool Whip. 

     “Your cousin seems cool.”

     “Yeah, haven’t seen him lately, though.” Lukas said between bites of Cool Whip. “He’s busy with his band and I’ve got races so…”

     Philip nudged Lukas with his leg. “You gonna share?” 

     Lukas said nothing but scooped a small bit out with his finger then held it out to Philip. 

     “No spoon?”

     “Don’t get greedy.” 

     Philip smiled and rolled his eyes but didn’t take the Cool Whip.

     “Last chance, dude,” Lukas wiggled his finger. When Philip still didn’t make a move to take it, Lukas sighed and licked it off his finger. “Alright, whatever, just don’t bitch and moan about me not sharing.”

     A short moment passed but it felt much longer in the quiet house. The silence stretched out the time, making seconds drag by infinitely slower.

     “You, uh, have fun at that club?” Lukas asked finally. He kept his eyes on the Cool Whip as he drew lines through it with the spoon. “You took your fucking time in there.” 

     A sly grin spread across Philip’s face. Lukas was failing at hiding his blatant curiosity. 

     “I danced with eleven different guys then got head from two of them in the bathroom,” he said plainly.

_      No he didn’t. _

_      He’s lying. _

_      And even if he did, I- _

_      Doesn’t matter. _

_      He can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. _

_      I couldn’t give a shit. _

     The words, whether or not true, still stung but Lukas ignored it and let out a sharp breath.

     “Savage.” He mumbled. Philip reached for the spoon and Lukas didn’t fight him for it.

     “Jealousy hurts, doesn't it?” he said nonchalantly as he licked the spoon clean. 

     “Jealousy?” Lukas laughed. “You think I’m jealous?”

     “No,” Philip said. “I  _ know _ you’re jealous.” He tossed the spoon in the sink. Lukas rolled his eyes and jabbed Philip in the ribs. 

     “You’re an idiot.”

     “You’re jealous,” Philip teased with a wide smile on his face as he pushed Lukas back.

     “No.”

     “Mhmm.”

     Lukas leaned into Philip, his lips brushing against Philip’s ear. He could feel Philip tense up in anticipation. 

     “I’m not jealous,” he whispered then placed a delicate kiss on Philip’s temple, grinning as Philip shuddered. He pulled back and dunked his finger back into the Cool Whip container.

     “Yeah, okay,” Philip muttered. “Whatever you say.” 

     Lukas offered him a Cool Whip covered finger again and this time Philip didn’t turn it down. He kept his eyes on Lukas as he wrapped his lips around Lukas’s finger and sucked the Cool Whip clean off. Lukas froze.

_      Holy fucking shit. _

     Philip tugged on his belt loops, pulling him closer. Need coursed through Lukas’s veins. Every part of him was begging for Philip. He immediately rushed in to kiss him, but Philip pulled back just before their lips could touch. 

     “I didn’t get with anyone else at the club.” he whispered, only centimeters from Lukas. “I just stood by the entrance and hoped you’d come back.”

     Philip’s confession had Lukas taken aback. All the adrenaline and desire left as quickly as it came, and was replaced by the melancholy of his reality. He wanted to be able to be with Philip at the club. He wanted to have been able to say ‘fuck it’ and go back inside, but there were too many complicated things that had kept him from it.

     “I couldn’t,” he said quietly. Philip nodded once. 

     “I know.” He kissed Lukas softly then wiggled away and hopped off the counter.

     “What’s wrong?” Lukas asked, watching as Philip headed towards the couch.

     “Nothing, I’m just… tired.” The couch cushions swallowed Philip whole once he sat down. “Been a long day.”

     Lukas pressed his lips together then turned to head down the short hallway to the bedroom.

     “Where are you going?”

     “Why sleep on a couch when there’s a bed down the hall?”

     Philip, unsure whether or not Lukas was inviting him to join, remained seated. Although he wasn’t sure if it was an invitation either, Lukas stood in the hallway a moment longer just to see if Philip would follow. When it was clear Philip wasn’t leaving the couch, Lukas left. 

     The bedroom wasn’t tidy by any means but it wasn’t as littered with trash as the living room was. Lukas didn’t trust the bedsheets and found a stiff second pair shoved under the bed. He lazily threw them on, not bothering to tuck in the sides, then fell into the bed. He stared at the dark ceiling, for once nothing running through his mind, until he finally got back up and padded quietly down the hallway to see if Philip was still awake. He was.

     “You don’t have to sleep on the couch when there’s a bed down the hall,” Lukas said, trying to keep his voice clear of uncertainties so this time Philip knew it was an invitation. Philip looked up from his phone, the light of it casting shadows across his face. He didn’t answer, but when Lukas headed back to the bedroom he could hear Philip’s footsteps behind him. 

     They lay side by side in the bed, their arms barely touching, and listened to the fan overhead whir. 

     “Are you jealous of Rose?” Lukas asked, breaking their trance like silence. A few seconds stretched by before Philip responded.

     “Would it change anything?”

_      No. _

_      I guess it wouldn’t. _

     Lukas said nothing, though they both knew the answer.

     “Yeah,” Philip said, his voice thick with pain. “I didn’t think so.”

_      Don’t say it like that. _

_      It’s not like I don’t wish things were different. _

_      It’s not like I don’t care about you. _

    Words fumbled around in Lukas’s mind as he tried to string some together to make Philip see that he’s trying his best to be sincere, that he meant the kiss in front of the club, that he means more to Lukas than he realizes but, as always,the words failed him. 

     Instead, he slowly straddled Philip and carefully lowered himself down to gently press his lips to Philip’s. Philip was hesitant to kiss him back but eventually he did, in a cautious kind of way as to protect his heart from Lukas’s reality and the impending hurt that always follows. 

     Lukas moved to place soft kisses along Philip’s jaw.

_      I’m sorry. _

_      I wish it was different. _

_      Please believe me. _

     Then more down Philip’s neck until Lukas reached the top of Philip’s t-shirt. He slipped his hands under the hem at the bottom and eased Philip out of the shirt, tossing it to the side. Philip watched, reaching out only once to brush back Lukas’s hair, as he continued to kiss random spots on Philip’s body.

_      I’m sorry. _

     Three kisses across his ribs.

_      I really do care about you. _

     Five kisses down his breastbone.

_      Please see that. _

     One just above his bellybutton.

     When he ran out of skin to kiss, Lukas rolled off Philip and onto his back then pulled Philip into him. Philip’s hair tickled the bottom of Lukas’s chin.

     “I need you, Philip.” 

     Philip was silent but nestled closer to Lukas and that was enough of an answer.

     “What’s gonna happen when we go back tomorrow?” He murmured.

     “We’re never going back.” Lukas whispered. “We’re gonna go straight to the west coast beaches and then when we get tired of those, we’ll-we’ll go to Florida or wherever you wanted to go. We’ll just keep bouncing around, you and me, and we’ll stay the hell away from Tivoli.”

     Philip let out a deep breath against Lukas’s t-shirt. 

     “Sounds nice.”

     Lukas closed his eyes and hugged Philip tighter. The noise of the fan almost lulled him to sleep, but Philip’s voice yanked him back.

     “New Orleans,” Philip mumbled.

     “Huh?”

     “I want to go to New Orleans.”

     Lukas kissed his hair then whispered, “New Orleans is shit.”

     Philip’s laugh was muffled by Lukas’s shirt and if he had said something else, Lukas didn’t catch it. 

 

The next morning came faster than Lukas thought it would. Sunlight poked through the dented blinds, leaving different size white streaks on Philip’s bare back as he continued to sleep beside Lukas. A tiny smile tugged at Lukas’s lips as he looked over at Philip.

_      We should do it, just get up and leave. _

_      Straight to California.  _

     He knew he was being irrational but he didn’t want to smash the hope that maybe they would. 

     After getting out of bed as carefully as he could, so he wouldn’t wake Philip, Lukas groggily walked into the kitchen and tried to find something for breakfast. Like the fridge, the cabinets were mostly empty aside from a couple sleeves of crackers, uncooked spaghetti noodles, and a can of cream of mushroom soup. Lukas opted for the crackers.

     “What time do we have to go back?” 

     Lukas turned around to see Philip next to the fridge, tugging his shirt back on. He grinned. “Well, it’s about two days to get to California-”

     Philip pressed his lips together in a sad smile and Lukas knew their game of pretend was over. 

     “Soon, I guess.” He said.

     Neither of them talked as they gathered their things, ate a couple crackers, and left the apartment. As they walked to where they’d parked Lukas’s bike, they made a game of counting all the parked taxis they passed, both aching to hop in one and be driven somewhere far. Even as Lukas was driving them back to Tivoli on his bike, he was struggling to fight the urge to turn around and head west. He gripped the handlebars and sped up before he could change his mind. Once they reached the Tivoli sign, the spell was over. They were back where people cared. They were back to where all the chaos was waiting for them. 

     Philip slowly got off the bike, as if he could procrastinate their trip any longer, then handed back the helmet. He waited for Lukas to do something, give him some sort of goodbye or closure, and while Lukas knew that, he couldn’t give Philip what he wanted because they were back and things weren’t different.


	17. Episode Four: part one

**Detention and Schemes**

“So after all that therapy bullshit we had a seance for Tommy and Tracy,” Rose said, her arm linked with Lukas’s as they walked into the hallway. “I swear, I could like feel them.”

_      Tommy and Tracy, Tommy and Tracy. _

_      Can we go one fucking second without talking about Tommy and Tracy? _

     Lukas scoffed. “Yeah, whatever.”

     Rose rolled her eyes. “You’re just pissed you weren’t there.”

_      You’re the one pissed I wasn’t there. _

     “Why would I go when I have a race to train for?”

     The PA crackled overhead shortly before a shrill voice rang out over the halls. 

     “May I have your attention, please?” The voice said. “Lukas Waldenbeck and Philip Shea, please report to the principal’s office immediately.”

_      You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. _

     Lukas could feel Rose’s eyes glaring at him and he desperately tried to appear nonchalant even though the pit in his stomach felt deep enough to swallow galaxies. He didn’t meet her eyes.

     “Philip?” She said sharply. “I swear that guy’s like obsessed with you or something.”

     While she didn’t suspect anything of Lukas, he still didn’t find any relief.

     “Yeah, idiot’s probably still crying ‘cause I kicked his ass.” 

     Rose rolled her eyes, shook her head then walked off without another word. Lukas took in a deep breath and nervously walked towards the principal’s office. Philip was already there, sitting in one of two chairs in front of the principal’s desk. He didn’t turn to look at Lukas when he walked in.

     “You’re both aware I called you down to discuss your absence at the mandatory overnight trip, correct?” Principal Howard said, straightening papers on the desktop.

     Both boys nodded barely and kept their gaze at the back wall. 

     “You two were together then, I presume?”

     “No!” Lukas said instantly. 

_      Shit, play it cool. _

     “I, uh, I have a race coming up so I was practicing at my jump site.” He fought the urge to fiddle with his hands, knowing it would make him seem more guilty.  He waved a hand in Philip’s direction. “I don’t-I don’t know what he was doing or where he was or whatever.”

     Principal Howard looked over at Philip, waiting for his excuse.

     “I was visiting my mom,” Philip said smoothly. Out of the corner of his eye Lukas saw Philip turn to look at him as he added, “In the city.”

     Lukas’s cheeks burned red.

_      Stop. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

_      No one knows. _

_      They can’t. _

_      Pull it the fuck together. _

     The principal cleared his throat. “Well, as valid or invalid as your excuses may be, you both still didn’t attend the overnight so you both have detention this friday and the next.” He pulled out bright yellow detention slips and scribbled the dates of their punishment on them.

_      Fuck, Dad’s gonna kill me. _

_      I shouldn’t have ever let Philip drag me to the city. _

_      I should’ve just gone to the stupid fucking overnight. _

_      I should’ve just minded my own goddamn business when Philip moved to Tivoli. _

     “Perhaps you’ll spend the hour writing the definition of mandatory so next time we have a mandatory event, you’ll both understand that means you must attend.” Principal Howard slid the slips across the desk towards the boys. “Are we clear?”

     His question was met with silence but the boys took the slips.

     “Good, now out of my office.”

     “Lukas,” Philip hissed, reaching for Lukas’s arm as they left the office. “Hey-”

_      No. _

_      Not here. _

_      Not ever. _

     He wrenched his arm out of Philip’s grip. “Get away from me.” He spat then left Philip standing dumbfounded outside of Principal Howard’s office and headed for his locker.

     “What’s up with you and Philip?” Rose asked as soon as Lukas got to his locker. 

     “Nothing.” He answered, fighting to keep the anger out of his voice.

     “I’m so sick of you never talking to me.” 

     Lukas said nothing and opened the locker.

     “Is that a club stamp?” She cried, pointing at his wrist.

_      Fuck. _

_      Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

     “No-”

     Rose grabbed his wrist and turned it over to expose the faded stamp. “What the hell, Lukas? You ditch me on the overnight to go and hang out with random sluts?”

_      She can’t feel my heart racing, can she? _

_      No, no, everything’s fine. _

_      They stamp at bike expos. _

      “Are you crazy?” 

     “You go clubbing with Philip?”

     Lukas felt the color drain from his face. He made a quick glance around the hall to see if anyone heard her. 

_      Stop, you’ll look more suspicious. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

_      It’s gonna be fine. _

_      Calm down. _

     “Yeah, right.” He feigned sarcasm.

     “Then where?” Rose demanded. “Where did you go? Where did you go?”

     “Slow down,” Lukas took her face in his hands and kissed her, hoping it’d give him just a minute to solidify his alibi.

     “It’s-it’s from a bike expo,” he said finally. 

     Rose looked up at him, her eyes full of defeat. “I don’t even know why I’m with you anymore.” 

     Lukas sighed and didn’t call after her when she walked away. 

_      I gotta fix this. _

_      She can’t break up with me. _

_      If she breaks up with me people will think I’m gay. _

_      I’m not-I’m not gay-she’s proof. _

_      I gotta get her to stay. _

     He closed his locker and went to his next class. While his teacher lectured, Lukas tried to think of ways to keep Rose from dumping him.

_      Flowers are expensive as shit and they probably won’t do it anyway. _

_      I just gotta...I gotta make her think I skipped to surprise her. _

_      Surprise her because…  _

_      Fuck, what would I surprise her with? _

     Peter Zellinger, captain of the lacrosse team, flicked Lukas’s arm once the teacher left to make more copies of her handout. 

     “Is it true?” Peter grinned. “You skip the overnight to take it in the ass from Shea?”

     Lukas dug his nails into his palms. 

     “Fuck off, I went to a bike expo.” Lukas growled.

     “Yeah? You seem a bit defensive.”

     “Do I?” He hissed. “How’s the herpes?”

     Peter scowled. “Shit, dude, relax. I’m just screwing with you.”

     “Well don’t.” Lukas shot back. Peter sighed but sunk back into his seat and didn’t say anything else.

_      I have to fix things with Rose. _

_      I have to have sex with her. _

_      She’ll think I skipped to plan out all the romantic details and shit and eventually everyone will know we fucked and they’ll leave me the hell alone. _

_      I can’t wait weeks for it to spread, though. I need them to know now. _

_      They won’t believe it. I have to have proof. _

_      I need a video. _

     With the beginnings of a plan forming in Lukas’s mind, he felt better when he met up with Rose again at the end of class. Rose, however, had not gotten over her bitterness within the hour.

     “You better tell me what’s up,” She said. “Because you’ve been acting super weird-”

     Lukas nudged her over towards the lockers then leaned closer to her to keep the whole hall from hearing. “I just-I wanted it to be special,” he murmured. Rose said nothing but her expression softened. “I think we should do it. Soon.”

     A small smile tugged at her lips. “Really?”

     Lukas returned her smile. “Yeah, at that lookout spot.”

     “It’ll be romantic, right?”

     “Yeah,” Lukas promised then kissed her. 

     “Hey, baby,” she laughed when he kept kissing her. “People are looking.”

_      Good. _

     “I don’t care.” He grinned but Rose was already heading towards her last class with a coy smile. 

 

The clock on Lukas’s bedside table read 10:38pm. Nothing in particular was keeping him up but each time he closed his eyes sleep wouldn’t take him. He’d been toying with his phone with Philip’s contact pulled up, hoping his finger would slip and give him an excuse to call him. Eventually it did.

_      Don’t pick up. _

     It rang once.

     Twice.

_      Please go to voicemail. _

     Three times.

     “Hello?”

     Lukas quickly ended the call and dropped the phone onto his lap. He groaned loudly.

_      Fuck. _

_      Why did I do that? _

     His phone screen lit back up with Philip’s name a second later. 

_      I shouldn’t answer it. _

_      I don’t have anything to say. _

_      I don’t know why I called in the first damn place. _

     “Did you call me?” Philip asked dully when Lukas answered.

     “No.”

     “I have caller ID.”

     “Then why’d you ask?”

     Philip paused then said bitterly, “Okay. Nice talking to you-”

     “No, wait-”

     Lukas didn’t have anything to follow it up with, but he didn’t want Philip to go yet. Silence was okay as long as he knew Philip was still on the other end of the line.

     “So what do you want then?” Philip said after a moment. Lukas could tell his patience was wearing thin and it was mostly his own fault. He wished he knew how to reach across the void and pull Philip back; back to where they used to be, back to when things were okay. 

_      I want everything to go back to normal. _

_      I want to stop feeling so guilty and shitty all the time. _

_      I want to be in the cabin listening to your music and drinking beer. _

     “I don’t know.”

     “Alright, well-”

     “Just-just don’t hang up,” Lukas mumbled. “Okay?” 

     A moment passed but the line wasn’t disconnected. Lukas bit down on his lip.

     “Okay,” Philip whispered.

     Lukas closed his eyes and listened to Philip’s soft breathing through the phone, pretending they were both back in the city lying side by side in bed. He could almost hear the faint honking of cabs outside his window and the humming of the broken ceiling fan above.


	18. Episode Four: part two

**You Know I Like You**

 

_ Where the hell is he? _

_      He’s probably telling Helen everything right now on his way here. _

     Lukas anxiously fiddled with his phone. He’d texted Philip ten minutes ago and hadn’t gotten a reply. He typed out another but just as he hit send, Philip appeared on the rooftop.

     “Hey, I got your text,” Philip said, walking towards him. “What’s up?”

     Instead of getting straight to the real reason Lukas wanted to meet up, he immediately blurted out the question that had been burning a hole through his tongue since he first saw Philip step out of the sheriff’s Jeep the day before.

     “Why is Helen driving you to school all of a sudden?”

     Philip sucked in his cheeks. “I don’t know,” he said dully. “Maybe ‘cause I finally told her stuff.”

_      He didn’t. _

_      He’s bluffing. _

     Lukas’s skin crawled. He wasn’t in the mood to play games.

     “You told her what we saw?”

     “No,” Philip countered quickly. “I told her that I’m gay.”

     This caught Lukas off guard. He tried to think of a reason or something Philip would get out of revealing that, but he came up empty. 

     “Why?”

     “Why not?”

_      If he told them, maybe they’ve figured it out. _

_      Figured us out. _

_      Fuck, they probably know. _

_      They know and they’re gonna tell my dad. _

     Lukas ran a nervous hand through his hair. “Shit, now they think I’m gay too?”

     “No.” Philip said, irritated. “No, now they think that you’re a homophobic bully, which you are.” Lukas pressed his lips together hard. Philip’s words added more salt to his wounds but he wasn’t going to let that show. “What are we doing up here?” Philip sighed after a moment. “What’s going on?”

     “People are talking about us ditching together.”

_      More than just ditching. _

     Philip didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of being the center of small town gossip. “Okay then, don’t hang out with me anymore.” 

_      How does he not fucking get it? _

_      Why does he have to be such a goddamn asshole? _

     “Oh, I’m not going to,” Lukas shot back. “But that’s not gonna fix it. They’re all saying stuff, I need it to stop.”

     “Okay,” Philip said simply. “Okay, so you-do you want me to tell everyone that you didn’t kiss me in the cabin or at the club and none of it happened, none of it’s real?

     Lukas scoffed. Anger coiled around his chest, constricting his breathing and making his surrounding muscles tense.

_      What a piece of shit. _

     “Is-is that what you want?” Philip continued to mock, “Me to go make a big announcement to everyone?”

     “You’re an asshole,” Lukas spat. 

     “Yeah,” Philip agreed sarcastically. “I’m the asshole.”

     “Yeah, you are.” Lukas repeated to make sure it stuck this time, that his words buried themselves deep into Philip’s chest the way his did to Lukas earlier. 

     Philip nodded, licked his lips, and looked away. Lukas succeeded but seeing the sting in Philip’s face didn’t make his own go away. It only tacked on the burn of shame. He took a deep breath.

     “I’m gonna have sex with Rose.” 

     Philip refused to look at him. “Did you seriously drag me all the way up here just to tell me that?” Lukas knew hearing it hurt but he didn’t say it with that intention and he didn’t know how to explain it to Philip without making it worse.

     “No-” he sighed. “I need your help with something.” 

     Philip turned to look at Lukas, his gaze hardened and steely. “Why would I help you with anything?”

     “Because you know I like you,” Lukas exhaled, not even realizing he’d been holding his breath. 

_      And I know you like me too. _

_      I want to fix this but I need help. _

_      I want to get things back to how they used to be. _

     “And I think I figured out a way for us to keep hanging out.”

     Philip said nothing. Lukas stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, half expecting Philip to fight him off. He doesn’t, but he also doesn’t hug Lukas back. Regardless, it was still enough for Lukas. 

     When he pulled away, Lukas put his hand on Philip’s shoulder and let his eyes wander towards Philip’s lips. They were close enough to kiss if he only leaned a hair closer, but he knew better. He let his hand fall and brush against Philip’s then stepped back.

     “What is it, then?” Philip sighed. “What’s your plan?”

     “I-I want you to record it.” Lukas said. “Me and Rose, after school today at Miller’s pond-”

     Philip guffawed. “You want me to record you having sex with your girlfriend?” He shook his head and started walking towards the edge of the roof. “No, no, I-I-that’s what tripods are for, Lukas, you can’t just keep using me-”

     “I need you.” Lukas said seriously, running over to catch up to him. “Just-just hear me out, okay? If we get it on video then we can leak it and I’ll have proof.”

     Philip rolled his eyes.

     “Philip, please, come on. I won’t be able to... you know,” Lukas blushed and looked down at his feet. He dug up some gravel with his toe. “...Perform... if you’re not there. And as soon as we leak it, we can hang out again like before.” He took Philip’s hand and ran this thumb across his knuckles.

     “Do you mean it?” Philip said quietly, looking down at their hands. “You really think a sex tape will make everything go back to what it was before?”

     Lukas nodded. “Once they see it, they’ll know we’re just friends ‘cause they’ll think I’m boning Rose. Just trust me on this one.” He dropped Philip’s hand and poked him lightly in the side. “Come on, you trust me, don’t you?”

     Philip cracked a smile and swatted at Lukas. “I shouldn’t.”

     A wide grin spread across Lukas’s face as he poked at Philip some more. “But you do.” 

     “Shut up,” Philip finally laughed, lunging to get back at Lukas, but Lukas took off towards the ladder. 

  
  


**The Tape**

 

“What’s taking so long?” Rose hissed as she continued to grind her hips against Lukas’s while he lay down on top of the picnic table. She’d been going at it for almost five minutes but it still didn’t do it for Lukas.

     “I-I’m not ready yet.” Lukas stuttered. “Just give me a sec, okay?”

_      I can do this. _

_      Philip’s gonna be here soon. _

_      It’s gonna work. _

     “Seriously?” She said, annoyed. “Why can’t you get it up?”

_      Believe me, I’m working on it. _

     Lukas shrugged. He’d already thought of multiple excuses for why it would take him a while. “Maybe my ice baths.”

     “Who takes ice baths?” she muttered.

     “For training.” Rose rolled her eyes. “Hey, just-just keep going, okay? Just keep going.”

     Rose sighed, but kept grinding against him.

_      Come on, come on. _

_      Maybe this is enough to make it look legit on camera. _

_      Where the hell is Philip anyway? _

_      Fuck, I gotta get it up soon or she’s gonna quit on me before Philip even gets here. _

     He leaned his head back off the table and peered into the woods around them, looking for Philip. He spotted him standing half hidden behind a tree, holding his phone out as if he were recording one of Lukas’s jumps. Even looking at him upside down, Lukas could see the hurt in Philip’s face. 

_      I’m sorry. _

     Philip met his gaze briefly before lowering his phone and sulking off back into the treeline. 

_      Did he get enough for the video? _

_      If he’d just stayed a little longer I could’ve done it- _

     “I don’t know what the problem is, but it’s clearly not gonna happen today,” Rose said flatly, getting off Lukas. She threw his shirt at him.

     “Rose, come on, I’m sorry. I-I don’t know why it’s not working but I’ll figure it out and the next time will be better.”

     She huffed. “I told everyone today was the day and now I’m gonna have to tell them that I’m not hot enough for my boyfriend to get it up-”

      “No, no, it’s not you!” Lukas tugged on his shirt then rushed over to her, taking her hands in his. “I promise it’s not, I mean- look at you, you’re beautiful. I’ll just-I’ll stop taking ice baths and that’ll probably fix it.”

     She pulled her hands back and walked over to where his bike was parked. “Please, just take me home.”

     “You can still tell them,” Lukas said, picking the helmets from off the ground. “They don’t have to know it didn’t work this time.” He walked over to her and handed her one. “Come on, a bunch of the guys are coming to the school later tonight, I’m gonna put on a little bike show for them. Bring your friends and tell them there, I’ll back you up. No one has to know it didn’t end up happening today.”

     Rose let out a long breath but Lukas knew he’d convinced her. He kissed her sweetly then helped her put on her helmet. 

 

Even Lukas’s helmet couldn’t drown out the cheers and hollering of his classmates as Lukas rode his bike in the school parking lot that night. Their encouragement fueled Lukas’s adrenaline, making him feel invincible. It was a feeling he could get drunk on and one he wanted live off of forever. 

     When the cheers died down, the rush of performing did too and Lukas stopped his tricks to see what happened. 

_      He did it. _

_      Philip leaked the video. _

     Lukas saw Rose smugly admitting it to one of the many people watching the video on their phones. Lukas glanced over at Philip who was leaning against the building, looking as if he couldn’t care less about the ensuing drama. He didn’t return Lukas’s gaze and instead was focusing on something far out on the horizon. 

_      The video isn’t gonna fix things with Philip. _

_      It probably just made it worse. _

_      Well, there’s nothing I can do in front of everyone right now anyway. _

     He sighed then put down the kickstand on his bike and walked over to join the crowd of his classmates.

     “Nice one, Waldenbeck!” Peter Zellinger shouted, clapping Lukas on the back.

     Lukas grinned. “Yeah, it’s tricky in the small parking lot-”

     “Not the bike, dumbass, the video.” Peter laughed. “I didn’t think you had it in you, but I guess I was wrong. You know it was taped though?”

     “Uh, no,” Lukas shook his head. “No, I thought we were alone. Must’ve been some fucking creep or something.”

     “Well now the world knows you’re not a queer so I guess he did you a favor.”

     Lukas laughed along uncomfortably. “Yeah, I guess.”

     “Me and a bunch of guys are gonna head out for some pizza if you want to join, fill us all in on the dirty details.” He looked over at where Rose was laughing with a couple of other girls. “I want to know if she’s a screamer.”

_      She’s not. _

     “Uh, I can’t.” Lukas said, pretending to be disappointed about it. “I gotta be home soon or my dad’ll flip a tit.” 

     Peter shrugged. “Whatever. I guess I’ll find out some other way.” He winked then walked off with a hoard of the kids behind him. Rose bounded over to him, slipping her hand into his and giving it a squeeze.

     “Hey, babe, I’m gonna go back with Lauren. Her stepmom just got a new cat so I’m gonna go see it.” 

     Lukas nodded. “Yeah, I gotta get back soon anyway.”

     Rose kissed his cheek before scurrying off with her friends. Lukas waited, pretending to be inspecting and fiddling with his bike, as everyone else began to filter out until Philip finally pushed off the building and started to leave. 

     “Hey,” Lukas called after him, jogging to catch up to him. “It worked. No one’s talking about us anymore, they’re all talking about the video.”

     “Great, now everyone knows you like girls.” Philip said sullenly.

_      For now. _

     “Yeah.”

     “So… was it good?” Philip asked. “With Rose?” 

     Lukas took in a short breath. His own words from earlier echoed in his head.

_      No one needs to know it didn’t happen today. _

_      The less who know, the better. _

_      What good would telling him do anyway? _

     “Want a ride home?” Lukas offered in a lame attempt to bridge the growing ocean between them.

     “No,” said Philip curtly

_      Come on, don’t be an ass. _

_      I’m trying to fix this. _

     “I’ll teach you how to ride the bike.” The words left Lukas’s lips before he knew what he was saying, but he could see Philip mulling over the offer so he didn’t take it back.

_      Maybe this could work. _

_      Maybe this’ll be enough. _

_      I need a new bike anyway. _

_      If he wrecks it, maybe Dad’ll get me a new one. _

     “Come on,” he coaxed.

     “Really? I thought no one was allowed to ride your bike.”

     Lukas looked over at where it was sitting.  

_      It’ll be fine. _

_      If it fixes things, it’ll be worth it. _

     “Yeah, well,” he looked back at Philip and smiled. “Come on. I’ll show you.” He put his arm around Philip before he could protest and lead him over to the bike. “So, this is a motorcycle.”

     “Thanks,” Philip snorted. As they neared it, he glanced wearily over his shoulder at Lukas. “You sure about this?”

     “Not really,” Lukas grinned. “Get on before I change my mind.” 

     “Yes, sir,” Philip muttered as he mounted the bike. “Now what?” 

     “Now you gotta make sure you know where all the basics are,” Lukas said, pointing out where the clutch, throttle, gear shifter, and brakes were located on the bike. “Okay, uh, make sure it’s in neutral., just kick the gear shifter down and then pull it back up a little.” 

     Philip struggled with it a few times then ultimately gave up. “I think I’m more of a passenger,” he said, getting off the bike.

     Lukas tried his hardest to keep the look of relief off his face. As much as he wanted a new bike, he wasn’t sure letting Philip wreck this one was the best way to go about it.

      “Wanna go for a ride, then?”

     “I should probably-”

     “Fifty years from now, when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to say you had the guts to get on the bike?” Lukas said seriously.

     Philip blinked, making it difficult to tell whether he was amused or not. “Transformers? Really?”

     “Is it Transformers?” Lukas furrowed his eyebrows. “I thought it was from Terminator.”

     “You’re an idiot.” Philip laughed.

     Lukas rolled his eyes. “Just get on the goddamn bike.”

     “Whatever you say, LadiesMan217.” 

     Lukas took his time driving the bike. It was one of the first clear nights in a while. The air was cold enough that mosquitoes weren’t buzzing in their ears, but warm enough to be comfortable in a light jacket. It almost reminded Lukas of summer. 

     When they pulled up to the town line, Lukas put down the kickstand and took in a deep breath. They were at the same spot where Lukas had dropped Philip off after their night in the city without a goodbye. This time, in the darkness, it felt safer.

     “What are we doing here?” Philip asked, walking over to where Lukas sat in the grass below the sign that welcomed strangers to Tivoli. 

     Lukas shrugged as Philip sat next to him. They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, though it was only a few minutes. Every once in awhile a breeze would rustle the grass, or a bat would fly overhead, but no one drove into or out of Tivoli. 

     “The tape isn’t going to fix things,” Philip said suddenly. “We can’t go back to how it was. Everything we’ve seen, everything that’s happened, it’s just… too messy.”

     “I still have nightmares about him.” Lukas murmured, looking up at the stars. “And sometimes when I see something move out the corner of my eye, I think it’s him about to kill us.” He dropped his head and pulled up a handful of grass then started to pick the individual strands apart. “We should’ve died instead of Tommy and Tracy.”

     “Don’t say that.”

     “I mean it.”

     Philip sighed. “We have to tell Helen. It’ll make things easier-”

     “No, it won’t, Philip!” Lukas said angrily, now ripping more grass up. “All it will do is make the killer want us even more dead and tell everyone in the whole fucking town that everything they thought about us was true.”

     “Helen will protect us, she’ll track down the killer and make sure he rots in prison. She’s the only thing that can help us, why can’t you see that? All that tape of you and some girl having half assed sex did was cause more gossip, only now it’s about how you look so miserable while a girl’s grinding on you-”

     Lukas stood up, furious, and hurled the grass in his fists at Philip. “You’re just jealous,” he seethed. “Jealous of Rose, jealous of my friends, jealous that I’m getting out of this fucking town with a motocross sponsorship while you’re just a ward of the state!” 

     “Okay,” Philip whispered, standing up and brushing the dirt off his jeans. “I think we’re done here.” He turned and began walking back into town.

_      Why do I always fuck things up? _

     “Philip!” Lukas yelled after him. “Philip!”

     “What?” Philip replied coolly, looking over his shoulder. “You have something else you want to add? Who else am I jealous of?”

     “I…” Lukas’s shoulders sagged. He was exhausted of fighting with Philip, of the constant throb of anger in the pit of his stomach, of cramming so many secrets inside himself that his seams felt as if they were going to burst. Philip was right, things weren’t going to be like they used to, but he had to make them better than what they were now.

     “I’m sorry,” he finished. “Just… just let me take you home.”

     Philip waited silently as Lukas walked back with the bike.

     “I’m trying.” Lukas told him as he threw his leg over the bike. “I really am. It’s just...not easy for me.” He watched Philip press his lips together, unsure whether or not that was his way of accepting the apology, but after a second Philip got on the bike and wrapped his arms around Lukas’s waist.


	19. Episode Five: part one

**Something to Take the Edge Off**

 

“That was great, you nailed it,” Philip said, showing Lukas the half assed jump on his phone. “Look.”

     In another attempt to get things back to normal Lukas had asked Philip to record his jumps, figuring it’d both get some new content on his neglected website and trigger something that’d make things between them how they used to be. So far, neither had happened. Each jump looked worse which frustrated Lukas and drove the wedge deeper between them.  

     “You don’t know shit, that’s terrible.” Lukas snapped.

_      I’m never gonna get that sponsorship with these shit jumps. _

_      Jesus, why can’t I just stop thinking for a few seconds? _

     “Are you kidding me?” Philip paused for a moment then sighed, deciding against starting another argument. “You’ve already got a lot of good footage on your channel, so-”

     “I can’t focus with all this shit in my head.” Lukas said, running his hand through his hair.

_      The murders, my sponsorship, catching up on school work, you. _

_      I just need a day-not even a day-just a few fucking seconds where everything isn’t making me feel like I’m gonna explode when someone breathes next to me. _

     Philip buried his hands into his jacket. “Look, I told you it was only gonna get worse unless we told someone.”

_      Right. Right, because telling everyone will make all this go away. _

_      Fuck, when will he get it through his head? _

     “Thanks, real helpful, Philip.” Lukas said sarcastically.

     “What if you told Helen that you were in the cabin when it happened,” Philip saw Lukas’s eyes widened then quickly added, “Alone. You could leave me out of it.”

_      No. _

_      No. It’d never work _

_      They have that DNA shit now. _

_      They’d know. _

     “No. I wasn’t there, nothing happened.” He said firmly. “I just- I need to clear my head.”

     “I thought riding cleared your head.”

_      Yeah, back when all I needed to forget was that I hadn’t done my math homework. _

_      I need something else. _

_      Something stronger. _

     An image of his dad holding a plastic orange prescription bottle after his mom died flashed through his mind. 

_      Fuck, what was that called again? _

_      Whatever it was, it made him numb. It’ll probably work for me. _

     “My dad used to take this pill after my mom died,” Lukas said, pulling out his phone to search up the name. “It starts with a K or a-- like a C.”

     “Clonazepam?”

     Lukas’s head shot up with recognition. “Yeah, that was it. Do you know how to get some?”

     Philip scoffed. “Why would I know how to get that?”

     “I don’t know, I figured ‘cause your mom-”

     “You figured wrong.” Philip said flatly.

_      I need that drug.  _

_      I need to be able to focus again, to fix everything. _

_      Why can’t he see that? _

_      I’m not some fucking addict, I just need a little help. _

     “I thought you wanted to help me.”

     “Look, I’ll take your little videos, I’ll do whatever you want, but I’m not gonna get you drugs.”

     Lukas desperately reached out and put his hand on Philip’s shoulder. “Please, Philip, I need something.”

     “Why don’t you just go screw Rose again? That’ll chill you out.” Philip said, his voice dripping in sarcasm. He took a step back so Lukas’s hand would fall back to his sides.

     “I didn’t have sex with her.”

     Philip squinted slightly. “What?”

     “We didn’t actually do it.”

     “Why not?”

_      Christ, this kid really is dumb. _

     “Because I like you, idiot.” Lukas said more sharply than he intended. “And if you liked me back, you’d help me.” He turned around and walked back towards his bike, hoping his little guilt trip would be enough to get what he needed.

_      I’ll make it up to him once my head’s cleared. _

     “You gonna make me walk home ‘cause I won’t get you drugs?” Philip called after him. “You’re right, I’m sorry for not wanting to turn you into a zombie like my mom-”

     Lukas whipped around. “I’m not a fucking addict.” He said sharply. He let out a breath and forced the tension from his shoulders. “I haven’t gotten more than three hours of sleep since everything happened, my grades are shit because I can’t stay awake in class, every time something moves I think it’s the fucking guy from the cabin, and the only thing you can come up with to help me is to tell Helen which will probably actually make things worse. I don’t think I’m fucking satan for looking at another solution.”  

     “There’s gotta be something else,” Philip sighed. “Something that isn’t drugs.”

     “What then?” Lukas laughed. “Fucking yoga? Listening to nature sounds when I go to bed? That shit never works. I’m-I’m not gonna abuse it, I just need one pill a day. Like a vitamin.”

     “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Philip said as he walked over towards the bike. “Can we just go home?”

     Lukas said nothing but followed Philip the rest of the way to the bike then drove them back into town. 

  
  
  


**The Shed of Forgotten Things**

 

_ Come on, there’s gotta be something here… _

     Lukas frantically rummaged through the shed looking for anything that might be worth a couple dollars. So far all he’d found was an old looking coin but even that was dented and didn’t hold much promise. 

     “Damn it,” he mumbled under his breath as he moved onto the next box.

     The door creaked open and for a split second Lukas froze, thinking it was his dad, but relaxed when he saw it was only Philip.

     “Hey, why weren’t you in class?”

     “I got so screwed,” Lukas said, reaching into the pocket of his flannel to pull out a pharmaceutical looking bottle. “I-I gave this kid a hundred bucks and he gave me this.” He handed it to Philip. “They’re mints.”

     Philip looked anything but sympathetic. “I told you not to mess with drugs.”

_      Yeah, and you also told me snitching to Helen will fix everything. _

_      I’m not being an idiot about it, I just need something to help me get a couple fucking minutes of peace. _

     Lukas snatched the bottle back and set it on a nearby counter. “That was my whole week’s allowance.” 

_      I can’t go another week like this, I need something now. _

     He glanced up at Philip. “You got any money?”

     Philip shook his head.

_      Go figure. _

     “Well, what about Helen and Gabe? Do they ever leave cash lying around?”

     “I’m not stealing from them.”

     “Why do you care?” Lukas huffed. “They’re not, like, your parents.”

     “‘Cause they’re good people.”

     He sighed. “Well, will you just- will you please, at least, help me find something I can sell before my dad gets home? Please?”

     Philip took in a deep breath but nodded and began to sort through the closest box of items.

     “This just looks like a bunch of crap,” He muttered.

     “Yeah, but there’s gotta be something valuable in here.” Lukas pointed to a different box in front of Philip. “Look in that.” Philip obliged and Lukas opened a tin box that caught his eye. He instantly recognized the first picture in the box. It was the picture of his mom that used to sit on his dad’s dresser until Bo got drunk and decided he couldn’t look at it anymore. Lukas remembered asking him where the picture went, and even if he could have it for himself, but Bo denied knowing anything then refused to speak further.

     “Who’s that?” Philip asked, noticing the fond softness in Lukas.

     Lukas held up the picture so Philip could see. “My mom.”

     “What was she like?”

     “She died when I was six.” Lukas paused and looked back at the picture. Now prompted with the question, Lukas couldn’t find anything in his memories related to what she was like, aside from the smell of the lavender lotion she always wore. “I don’t really remember.”

     “I’m sorry.”

     Lukas ignored his condolences. He’d gotten enough for his lifetime at her funeral when everyone in town showed up and bombarded him with their apologies for his loss. He neither needed nor wanted Philip’s too.

     “But I remember she smelled good.”

     Tiny smiles snuck onto both of their faces. The thought of his mom and the smile he shared with Philip felt like a small oasis. 

     “Yeah, my mom smells like cigarettes,” Philip said with a half laugh.

_      I’d take cigarettes over death. _

     “Must be nice.” Lukas said softly.

     “What?”

     “Having a mom.”

     “Yeah, well, I’m not really one to talk about that right now, am I?”

     “At least you got one.” Lukas mumbled, turning back to the box in front of him. He sorted through the obvious trash then finally found something that looked like it could be of use. “Oh shit,” Lukas gingerly picked up the encased watch that seemed to be decades old. “Look at this.”

     Philip shrugged. “What? It’s just an old watch.”

     “Yeah, but it’s in a case. That must mean it’s worth a lot, right?”

     Philip took the watch from Lukas and turned it over in his hands.

     “Maybe,” he said, “But wouldn’t your dad know this is missing?”

_My dad wouldn’t even know if I_ _went missing._

_      A watch he hid in the shed for years is the last thing on his radar. _

     “If my dad gave a shit about that thing, it wouldn’t be in here.”

     “That picture of your mom was in here.”

     “Yeah,” Lukas took the watch from Philip. “This is all stuff he wants to forget.” Before Philip could protest again, Lukas added, “Come on, let’s go pawn it before my dad gets back.”

 

“So?” Lukas bounced on his heels anxiously as the guy appraising the watch studied the intricate details.

     “A nice watch like this?” The balding man said gruffly, running his thick thumb across it. “I’ll give ya four-hundred and fifty bucks for it.” 

     “Awesome, yeah, I’ll take it.”

     “Alright, kid. I gotta get it authenticated then you can come back for the money tomorrow.” He tucked the watch into his pocket. “Thanks for stoppin’ by.”

     Lukas nodded. Just as the balding man turned to help another customer, an old camera sitting at the end of the counter caught Lukas’s eye.

_      Philip needs a new camera. _

     “Hey,” he waved the man back over and pointed at it. “How much you want for that?”

     The man shrugged. “How much you got?”

     Lukas dug into his jean pockets and counted the crumpled up bills and couple of coins he came up with. 

     “Twelve bucks and thirty-two cents.”

     He poured the money into the balding man’s outstretched hands.

     “Alright.” He said. “Damn thing’s been sitting there for months.” 

     Lukas grinned as the man put the camera into a paper bag then handed it to him. His chest constricted with excitement as he walked over to where Philip was leaning against a wooden chair for sale outside.

     “Guy in the shop said it’s worth, like, $450.”

     Philip nodded and took a sip from the Coke he was holding. “Cool.”

     “Yeah, I can scoop up the money tomorrow, he’s just gotta authenticate it.”

     “What’s in the bag?”

     Lukas smiled and pulled out the camera. “Well, at first I thought it was some kind of Star Wars spaceship,” he joked, wiggling the camera the way he thought a spaceship might move. Philip cracked a smile. “It’s actually a camera.”

     “Yeah, it’s a polaroid.” Philip said, trading Lukas his soda for it. “Whoa.” 

     Lukas watched the way Philip admired the camera and couldn’t help but feel proud knowing that he did something right for once, that Philip’s genuine swell of happiness was because of him. 

_      Why does he gotta be so damn pretty? _

     “You like taking pictures, right?” Lukas asked shyly, even though he clearly already knew the answer.  Philip pressed his lips together to hold back a smile but the softness broke through his voice. 

     “Yeah, I do.” 

     “You think it works?”

     Philip nodded. “Yeah, it works, it just needs some film.”

     Lukas lifted the Coke to his lips as Philip held up the camera like he was going to take a picture. Philip made the shutter sound then lowered the camera. 

     “Nice,” he smiled. 

     Lukas laughed and Philip took the Coke back.

     “Warm soda,” Lukas noted. 

     Philip looked at Lukas the way he used to before everything happened when it was just the two of them in the cabin sharing a beer. The kind of look that had made Lukas feel vulnerable and anxious but now that he’d gone so long without it, seeing the adoration in Philip’s eyes made Lukas feel giddy.

  
  


**Lies, Lies, Lies**

 

“Hey, Dad,” Lukas shouted as he ran down the stairs, “I’ll see you later-” he suddenly halted at the bottom of the staircase at the sight of his dad sitting on the couch. The watch he’d tried to pawn off earlier was next to him.

_      Fuck. _

     “This was your granddad’s lucky watch.” Bo said. His mostly calm demeanor set Lukas on edge.

     “I-I found it in the shed.” He stuttered. “I didn’t realize it was-”

     Bo continued. “He had it on him on D-day. It got him home safe, and when it was my turn to go off, I kept that watch with me every day until I made it back to your mom.”

_      He doesn’t seem that angry yet. _

_      Maybe I didn’t fuck up that bad. _

_      Maybe he’ll let me off easy. _

     “I’m sorry, dad.”

     “What do you need money for?” Bo asked sternly. “Is it for drugs?”

_      Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

     “What?” Lukas scoffed. “No, of course not.”

     Bo clenched his fist. “It’s Philip.” He said. “He’s making you steal from your own father.”

     “We barely hang out.” Lukas lied. His voice cracked, exposing his guilt.

     “Well, first you hit him, then you get drunk with him,” Bo stood up and walked closer to Lukas. “You’re friends, you’re not friends, then you cut class on the same day. What is up with you and this kid?”

     Lukas shied away. “Nothing.”

     “Lukas, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell’s going on.”

_      What’s going on? What’s going on? _

_      Fuck, I can’t tell him about Philip, I can’t tell him about why I need the drugs.  _

_      I need another excuse. _

     “It’s…” Lukas could feel the sweat beading on his forehead. “Rose.” He says finally. 

     “Rose is doing drugs?”

_      Fuck.  _

     “No, she’s not doing drugs.”

     “What do you need money for, son?”

     “She-” 

_      What do girls need money for? Makeup? Fucking bath bombs? _

_      Shit, he’s gonna know I’m lying. _

     “She needed an abortion,” Lukas blurted out before fully thinking it through. He could see the shock on his dad’s face as he struggled to find words.

_      I probably just made it all worse. _

     “Go.” Bo said, pointing towards the front door. 

     “What?”

_      Shit, is he kicking me out? _

     “Go, do whatever you were gonna do, we’ll talk about this later.” Bo rubbed his temples. “I need some time to… to process. I don’t want to say somethin’ I’ll regret so go.”

     Lukas didn’t wait or protest and quickly grabbed his coat on the way out.

_      Is he gonna talk to Rose’s parents? _

_      Fuck me.  _

_      No, no, it’ll be fine. _

_      If he says anything it’ll just be more proof to everyone that I like girls. _

_      It’s gonna be fine. _

_      Everything’s gonna be fine. _


	20. Episode Five: part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part "A Means to an End" deals with Lukas's suicidal thoughts so it might be triggering to some. I apologize in advance.

**Meeting Anne**

 

Lukas didn’t have a destination in mind when he got on his bike, but he left as fast as he could anyway. 

_      What am I gonna tell Rose if she finds out what I said? _

_      Why wasn’t I grounded? _

     He drove into town and parked the bike a few feet away from the bench in Tivoli’s small pathetic excuse of a botanical garden. It was across the street from the church and Lukas couldn’t remember a time when it looked like an actual garden and not an overgrown patch of grass littered with dandelions. 

     Time ticked by agonizingly slowly as he sat by himself counting the few cars that passed by. Even though it was mind numbingly boring, it was better than going home and facing his dad and the growing mess of lies he left behind. 

     To keep his legs from falling asleep, Lukas wandered over to the convenience store and for a Mountain Dew. When he got back to the bench and saw that his little excursion had only burned away ten minutes and not an hour like he’d hoped, he groaned loudly. He looked back out at the road and saw Philip standing not too far from the bench with a woman Lukas had never seen before.

_      That must be his mom. _

_      She doesn’t look like a druggie.  _

     Philip locked eyes with Lukas and said something to his mom. Lukas ducked his head.

_      She knows. _

_      He told her. _

     Without even looking he could tell she was watching him, judging him. Lukas squirmed in his seat. 

     “Hey,” Philip said, sitting next to him on the bench. “What’s up?”

     “I’m screwed, that’s what’s up.” Lukas bounced his knee nervously. “Shop owner called my dad about the watch.”

     “What are you gonna do?”

_      What haven’t I done is a better question. _

     He sighed and looked past Philip at the woman he was with who was still standing a few feet away from the bench. She seemed frail enough that a sneeze could knock her over. Her stance was even unsteady and she swayed slightly as if she were fighting to keep her balance. She smiled when she met Lukas’s gaze.

     “Is that your mom?”

     Philip nodded. “Yeah.”

     Lukas leaned a hair closer to him and lowered his voice. “Can you bum me some drugs off her?”

     “No.” Philip said flatly. Lukas held back an eyeroll and watched as Philip’s mom walked over to join them on the bench.

     “Hey, Lukas.” She said, sitting on the opposite side of him. 

_      She knows. _

     “Hi,” He squeaked.

     Philip bumped Lukas’s leg with his own, a small gesture meant to be comforting, but it didn’t offer much solace to Lukas. Just knowing that his mom knows half of the truth made him tense his muscles to the point of pain.

     “It’s cool, she knows about us.”

     He took in a sharp breath.

     “Philip says that you compete in--what is it again?” Philip’s mom smiled warmly and looked over at Philip for help.

     “Motocross, Mom.”

     “Motocross, yes! It must be fun riding up here.” She said softly, looking around. “All this space.”

     Lukas didn’t reply. He wasn’t a fan of small talk even though some would consider it polite. 

_      Might as well just say it. _

_      She already knows. _

_      She’s just dancing around saying anything. _

     “Liking Philip out here,” he said slowly, “The way I do, it’s hard.”

     Anne put her hand on Lukas’s back and, to his surprise, it eased some of his taut muscles. “I know, it will get easier.” She kissed his cheek gently. 

_      This is what it’d be like to have my mom back. _

     “I promise.” She smiled again. It was the kind of smile that radiated love and made it hard to remember that she was the same woman who chose drugs over her son.

_      It’ll get easier. _

_      Yeah, okay. _

_      Easy for her to say. _

     Lukas looked over at Philip and got a half hearted smile in return.

     “I’ll-I’ll see you,” Lukas mumbled, standing up. “I gotta go hunting with my dad.”

     There was still an hour before the hunting trip, but Lukas was afraid if he stayed any longer with Anne that he’d fall into a pit of grief he wouldn’t be able to climb out of. Anne’s kind words and touches were just reminders of what he was missing out on, and that hurt more than he’d care to admit.

  
  
  


**The Annual Father-Son Hunting Trip**

 

_ Just a couple more hours… _

     Lukas’s legs were starting to go numb. He and Bo had been hunched in the hunting blind they made out of a wooden pallet years back for over an hour without any deer sightings. Bo was set on intently watching the treeline but Lukas had dazed off. He clutched the gun in his hand.

_      I don’t feel anything. _

_      I bet the guy from the cabin didn’t feel anything when he held the gun either. _

_      That’s why it was so easy for him to kill everyone. _

_      Would it be easy for me? _

     Leaves rustled, snapping Lukas’s attention back to the task at hand. A deer cautiously wandered out into their range. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his dad ready his shot.

_      I wonder if it’s the same deer from that night. _

_      We’re pretty close to the quarry. _

     “All right, you take him.” Bo murmured. 

     Lukas took in a breath and lifted his gun, aiming it at the deer’s head. 

_      Just do it. _

_      Pull the trigger. _

_      Like the guy in the cabin did. _

     The images of the three grown men dropping to the floor in the cabin flashed through his mind. Their eyes, still wide and glossy, stared at Lukas. The life behind them was gone. He blinked. The deer looked back at them. Lukas could feel the trigger beneath his finger.

_      Pull the trigger. _

     A shot rang out, making Lukas jump. Beside him, his dad sighed loudly. Lukas shied away.

_      Fuck.  _

_      How am I gonna explain this? _

_      He already thinks I’m a pussy. _

     Lukas followed behind Bo silently as they went to fetch the deer carcass. Neither of them had spoken even by the time they walked over to the quarry to rinse their hands. The quiet was making it worse. Lukas could feel Bo’s disappointment like the sun beating down on his shoulders. 

     “You’ve never hesitated to take a shot before,” Bo said finally. “Why now?”

_      Because the difference between shooting deer and people isn’t much. _

     “I don’t know, Dad.” Lukas mumbled. 

     “Is it because of what happened?”

     Lukas gulped.

_      He knows. _

_      Fuck, he knows. _

_      Did Philip tell Helen? _

_      No, he couldn’t have. _

_      He promised. _

     “To Rose?” Bo finished.

     A tiny breath escaped Lukas’s lips. He didn’t realize he’d been holding it in.  

     “Now, stealing from your father, I don’t-I don’t get that. You should’ve just come to me.”

_      And said what? _

_      I need money for pills so I can forget I saw three people murdered? _

_      For pills to help me get more than a couple hours of sleep? _

_      For pills to stop me from having to look over my shoulder every minute? _

_      No, Dad, I couldn’t come to you. _

_      I can’t talk to anyone.  _

     “She didn’t want me to tell anyone,” Lukas said, “She was scared.”

     “You still need money?” 

_      Yes. _

_      He’d probably ask for proof I spent it on an abortion though. _

_      Papers or some shit. _

     “No. No, Rose figured that out.”

     “I’m gonna wash this off.” Bo walked down to the edge and rubbed his hands in the water. “Lukas, come down here for a second.” 

     Lukas slowly walked down to meet his dad.

     “You know, since your mom died, I-I know I haven’t been perfect.” Bo said. “I’m just not good at the emotional stuff…”

     Bo was still talking but Lukas wasn’t hearing any of it anymore. Instead, he was looking out at the water and the gun that killed three people shining just below the water’s surface. It was only a few feet from where they were. 

     His heart pounded painfully against his chest. He stepped back.

_      If he looks up, he’s gonna see it. _

_      Fuck, anyone could see it. _

_      We gotta go. _

_      We gotta go now. _

     “Can we go, Dad?”

     Bo stood up and faced him. “Lukas,”

     Guilt squeezed his guts tightly. He knew his dad wouldn’t open up like this again for another year maybe, especially now that he’s cutting it off, but Lukas was more worried about getting them away from the quarry as fast as he could. 

     “You don’t have to hide anything from me.” Bo said. “You know that, right?”

     “Yeah, I know.” Lukas said quickly, desperate to wrap up the conversation. “Let’s go, Dad.” 

     Bo dropped his head then nodded and they walked back to the truck in a thick coat of silence. About halfway home, Bo cleared his throat.

      “I-I’ve decided not to ground you for what happened with Rose. It was a mistake but judging from how flighty you’ve been recently, I think you’ve learned from it and will make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

     “Thanks, Dad.” Lukas murmured. He couldn’t feel happy about his narrow escape from punishment.

_      I’m gonna get grounded for lying about the cabin soon anyway. _

     “You ever steal from me again and I will make sure your bedroom walls are the only things you see for months.”

     “Got it.”

     Bo tore his eyes away from the road for a moment. “I’m trying here, Lukas.” He said. “I just hope you’ll meet me halfway.”

_      I wish I could, Dad. _

_      There’s just too much shit I can’t tell you. _

  
  
  


**A Means to an End**

 

“You see it?” Lukas hissed to Philip. He pointed to the gun still visible from the edge of the quarry. “It’s right there!”

     “Okay, no one’s gonna see that.”

_      No one’s gonna see that? _

_      Is he fucking blind or just dumb? _

_      If I can see it, so can anyone else. _

_      So can the police. _

_      Why is he so calm? _

     “You want them to find it, don’t you?” Lukas spat.

_      Then you can be the hero and tell Helen everything. _

     Philip glared at him then started picking up rocks nearby.

     “What are you doing?”

     “We’ll cover it up,” Philip said, throwing the rocks into the water near the gun. “Help me, get some big rocks.” 

     Lukas grabbed as many rocks as he could and hurled them at the gun. After a minute or two, the silt at the bottom had gotten stirred up and made the water too cloudy to tell whether the gun was actually hidden or not. 

_      I can’t keep doing this. _

_      I can’t tell anyone either.  _

     Lukas racked his hands through his hair and turned to look at Philip. “Did your mom have any pills?”

     “Yeah, she did.”

_      Oh, thank god. _

     “Where are they? I need them.” Lukas demanded. Philip waited a moment before responding.

     “I threw them out.”

     “You what?” Lukas cried, taking a step closer to him.

     “They’re dangerous, I’m not giving them to you.”

_      Dangerous? _

_      They were gonna fucking help me! _

     His anger flared and Lukas shoved Philip hard enough to make him stumble. “You-you threw them out?” He yelled, still trying to wrap his mind around how Philip could do something like that to him. 

_      He doesn’t care. _

_      He just wants to tell Helen. _

_      He doesn’t care about helping me at all. _

     Lukas sprinted back up to his bike. He sped off back home, stranding Philip at the quarry.

_      Why is he such a fucking asshole? _

_      How am I gonna make everything stop being so goddamn much now? _

_      I just wanted a couple shitty little pills. _

_      God! _

     Bo wasn’t home when Lukas gets back. Lukas tried to calm down by splashing cold water on his face but he couldn’t stop pacing in his room. 

_      We probably didn’t even cover up the gun. _

_      If anything, we probably made it more obvious. _

_      Someone’s gonna find it. _

_      And they’ll test the DNA shit and find mine on it. _

     He yelled out in frustration and kicked the wall. His toes throbbed but Lukas ignored it and rushed back out to his bike. Philip wasn’t at the quarry when Lukas got back, but the water had cleared. 

_      I fucking knew it. _

     Lukas waded out into the water and grabbed the only half covered gun. He didn’t know what he was going to do with it, but he knew at least if he had it, he’d be able to hide it better. He tucked it into his waistband and drove back to the Waldenbeck’s barn. 

     He yanked his shirt off and used it to wipe the gun clean. 

_      I wonder if it still works. _

     Lukas wandered over to the tractor tires stacked outside then leaned up against them, still studying the gun. Holding it in his hand felt the same as when he held his hunting gun. 

_      Everything would be easier if he shot me too that night.  _

_      He should’ve.  _

_      I should’ve let him. _

_      I don’t deserve to live now anyway. _

_      I’m just some piece of shit who lies all the time and hurts people. _

_      How easy would it be to pull the trigger now? _

_      To make it all go away? _

     He shook his head.

_       No. _

_      Stop. _

     He threw the gun a few feet away then pulled out his phone to text Philip.

_      ‘help me’ _

_      ‘I can’t deal anymore’ _

_      ‘I just want it to end’ _

     Tears pricked his eyes as he waited for a reply. He counted to sixty twice but there still wasn’t any texts. Slowly, he walked over and picked up the gun. He blinked and a tear rolled down his cheek. He let it make it all the way down to his chin before he furiously wiped it away. Lukas leaned back against the tires and cocked the gun. An eerie calm enveloped him as he looked at it. His hands betrayed his sureness, though, and trembled as he lifted the gun and pointed it under his chin.

_      Just do it. _

_      It’ll all be over. _

_      No one will care anyway. _

_      If Philip cared, he would’ve gotten me the drugs. _

_      If Dad cared, he would’ve paid attention and asked me if I needed help. _

_      Maybe I’ll see Mom. _

     He tightened his grip on the gun. Another tear made its way down his face. He didn’t bother to wipe away the tear, instead he squeezed his eyes shut and let more fall.

_      It’ll all go away. _

_      Just pull the trigger. _

     His entire body was shaking. He took in one last shaky breath, then he pulled the trigger. The gun clicked, trying to fire a bullet that wasn’t there. Lukas gasped and opened his eyes. He couldn’t see clearly through the tears but he hurled the gun as far as he could anyway. An animalistic cry escaped his lips as he sunk to the ground and hugged his knees to his chest.

_      I should’ve died that night in the cabin. _


	21. Episode Six: part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for such a delay! I'll be updating more quickly now that it's summer :)

**The Betrayal**

Any of the energy Lukas had was gone. He couldn’t muster the strength to stand up and walk back inside, he couldn’t brush away the flies dancing around his ears, he couldn’t even bring himself to feel an emotion. He simply sat, leaned up against the tractor tires, looking off at nothing in particular. The sun had gone down a while ago, leaving Lukas alone in the darkness. Even the moon was only a pathetic sliver of itself. 

     Two headlights shone directly at the barn and the sound of gravel crunching beneath gravel echoed through the field. Lukas didn’t bother to move. 

_      It’s just Dad. _

     When the car parked, Lukas listened for the slam of the doors. 

     “Lukas?” A voice called out. “Lukas is that you over there?”

     Lukas pulled himself up and walked towards the blinding lights.

     “Who’s there?” He yelled.

     The car lights shut off but the shadowy figure clicked on another flashlight, keeping Lukas from seeing who it was.

     “It’s Helen,” she said. “Philip’s foster mom, from the police station.”

     Lukas froze. 

_      What the fuck is she doing here? _

_      Oh, god. Philip told her. _

_      He told her and now she’s here to arrest me. _

_      No, no. It’s fine. _

_      He promised. _

_      Everything’s fine. _

     “May I come in?” She asked. “I have a few questions I need to ask you.”

_      Probably just more questions about my bike tracks. _

_      It’s gonna be fine. _

_      It has to be fine. _

     Lukas said nothing but lead Helen into the house. They sat down at the table. Lukas twisted his hands in his lap nervously. 

     “Philip told me you were in your family’s cabin the night of the shootings.” 

     Lukas’s stomach dropped to his toes. He fought as hard as he could to simply keep breathing.   

_      He didn’t.  _

_      He couldn’t have. _

_      She’s lying. _

_      She just wants me to confess. _

     Helen continued. “He told me about the gun, that you threw it in the water and covered it with rocks because you were frightened.”

     Lukas trapped a scream in his throat. He dug his nails into his palms until it hurt. He knew Helen was waiting for an answer, looking for any tells, but he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he’d scream until he passed out.

_      He told her. _

_      Philip fucking told her. _

_      HE FUCKING PROMISED ME. _

     “He’s lying,” Lukas managed to whisper.

_      Keep it together or you’ll blow it yourself. _

_      He’s a foster kid, she won’t believe him. _

_      She can’t believe him. _

     Helen raised her eyebrows. “So nothing Philip told me is true?”

     Lukas uncurled his fists under the table. He ran his fingers over the crescent moon indents on his palms. “Besides throwing rocks in the water, we’d done that a couple times.”

     “Why would he lie about this?”

     “I don’t know.”

     She pressed her lips together. “Well, I’m sorry for bothering you so late at night. Thanks for talking to me.” 

     Lukas nods barely and watched as Helen walked out the door. As soon as the door closed behind her, Lukas stood up and silently walked upstairs into his bathroom. Everything was swirling inside his head, he was having trouble trying to pinpoint a single emotion to feel. He fumbled with the knob in the shower until water starting spurting out. He was able to tug off his shirt but his hands were trembling too much for him to successfully unbutton his jeans.

_      He told her. _

_      He fucking told her. _

     Lukas gave up on the jeans and stood in the shower anyway. The water was warm but it wasn’t enough so he turned the knob as far as it could go to the left. It didn’t take long for the water to go from warm to boiling. Pink spots appeared on his skin where the water hit but Lukas didn’t care. It gave him something else to focus on. He stood in the shower until the water turned cold, then wrapped himself in a towel and fell onto his bed. 

 

**Stalker**

When school got out the next day, Lukas could see Philip leaning against the sign out front. 

_      He’s waiting for me. _

     Lukas yanked his phone out of his pocket with a little more force than necessary and locked his eyes on the screen as he walked out onto the pavement. He could feel Philip’s eyes on him as he got closer but Lukas refused to look up from his phone.

_      Don’t talk to me. _

_      Don’t make me hit you again. _

     “Lukas, stop,” Philip said, catching up to him. “I need to talk to you.”

     Lukas shoved him back with his elbow and kept walking. “We’ve talked enough.”

     “I tried to tell you last night but Helen was-”

_      Helen was what? _

_      Going to come fucking interrogate me again? _

_      BECAUSE YOU FUCKING TOLD HER. _

     Rose walked up, cutting off Philip’s sentence. She slipped her hand into Lukas’s, making some of his anger dissipate.

     “Hey baby.” She smiled.

     “Hey, you.” He replied, thankful for the out. He took in a deep breath to force the rest of the anger back down into his chest then kissed her forehead.

     “You coming to my party on Saturday?”

     “Yeah,” he said as they walked towards one of Rose’s friends.

_      As if I’m gonna pass up the opportunity to get drunk and forget everything. _

     “Hey, Summer,” he nodded towards Rose’s friend.

     “Everyone’s gonna be there,” Rose gushed. Lukas watched her eyes leave his and look at something over his shoulder. She glared. Lukas turned around to see Philip still there, lurking in the background.

_      I’m gonna fucking kill him. _

     “Stop stalking me!” Lukas spat viciously.

_      Stop talking to me. _

_      Stop looking at me. _

_      Stop fucking ruining everything. _

     Lukas wrapped his arm around Rose and walked with them towards the parking lot, leaving Philip behind. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

     “I’m gonna ride with Summer,” Rose said as they walked up to where Lukas’s bike was parked. “We’re going to the mall to get outfits for the party.” 

     Lukas nodded and kissed her quickly. 

     “Maybe they’ll have sales,” he heard her say to Summer as they walked further into the parking lot.

     Lukas pulled out his phone to check the text but when he saw it was from Philip he immediately deleted it. 

_      He doesn’t get to ignore me when I need help then pretend everything’s okay. _

_      He doesn’t fucking get to tell Helen about the gun then try to fix things. _

_      Dad was right.  _

_      He just fucks everything up. _   
  


 

**Finally a Fucking Break**

Philip must’ve gotten the hint because two days passed and he hadn’t talked or texted Lukas. The only problem with not speaking to Philip was that it meant Lukas’s channel had been dead for weeks. Without Philip there weren’t any new videos or pictures to upload. Lukas could feel himself becoming irrelevant again and it made his skin itch. Figuring it probably wasn’t too hard to shoot a video, he’d asked Rose to film some jumps after school. 

     Lukas revved his engine then sped off towards the homemade ramp. Rose was standing a few feet away with her phone. As soon as Lukas hit the air, he swung his legs forward, grinning when he was able to tuck his legs back and land safely.

_      That’s gonna look savage on the video. _

_      That’ll get the sponsors. _

     He circled back around and hopped off the bike, eager to see how it turned out. Rose handed him the phone and he watched the clip.

     “Wh-what the hell is this?” 

     Rose furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.“It’s you jumping?”

     “You completely missed my air!”

     “Do you want me to try again?”

     Lukas rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. You don’t know how to shoot it right.” For just a second, he found himself missing Philip. He turned away in case it showed. Rose took his hand gently.

     “Baby, what’s wrong? Is it your knee? Is it still hurting?”

_      My knee? _

_      Oh, yeah. The pills. _

     He’d taken the tiny handful she’d given him earlier, and while it helped numb things for a couple hours, they eventually wore off and everything came rushing back.

     “Yeah.” He said. “Does your mom have any more of those painkillers?”

     “I gave you four yesterday,” she said softly. Her eyes were full of concern. “You finished them all already?”

     Lukas nodded and wrapped his arms around her. She sighed and hugged him back.

     “I might have a couple leftover. I’ll give them to you at my party.” 

     Lukas kissed her gratefully and she smiled. He tried to return it but hugged her instead so he could hide his face. He knew she’d be able to see through his fake. 

 

Once Rose left, Lukas retreated to the barn to park his bike and change out of his gear. He posted the video on his channel anyway, just to see if there was anyone still watching, then squatted near his bike. Though there was nothing to fix, he went to work anyway. He needed to be able to fix something, even something as trivial as filling his near empty tank. 

     Suddenly, footsteps crept up behind him.

_      Oh, god, it’s him. _

     Lukas ceased breathing and gripped a wrench in his hand.

_      He’s found me. _

_      He’s finally gonna do it. _

_      He’s gonna kill me. _

     He squeezed the wrench, ready to whirl around and get a couple good swings in just for all the goddamn trouble this bastard’s caused, when his dad speaks.

     “We’ve got to talk,” Bo said. Lukas turned around but only found a small amount of relief. 

_      Talk about what? _

_      Did Helen tell him what Philip said? _

_      He’s a liar.  _

_      A fat fucking liar. _

     “I’ve got some big news.” 

     Lukas takes in a small breath and loosens his grip on the metal tool in his hand. 

     “Trevian Tools have, uh, seen your new reel and they want to sponsor you on the junior circuit.”

     Lukas blinked, speechless. All at once, it hit him.

_      I got a sponsor. _

_      I got a real fucking sponsor. _

     “No way!” He laughed. “Trevy Tools? They’re so legit!” An overwhelming urge to hug someone swelled inside him. Instinctively, he moved towards his dad but stopped himself short. His dad wasn’t a hugger. 

_      I did it. _

_      I’m getting out of Tivoli. _

     Lukas’s cheeks were sore from smiling. He had a future now, a good one. One that didn’t involve Philip and all his shit, one that was successful and far far away from Tivoli. 

     “Now listen,” Bo said, putting his hand on Lukas’s shoulder. “Philip is not the right kind of friend for you-”

     Lukas cut him off immediately. “He’s not my friend.” 

_      He’s nothing. _

     “All right, now, maybe, but he’s caused you a lot of trouble. If, uh, he keeps dragging you through the mud, this sponsorship could disappear. Do you understand that?”

     “Yeah,” Lukas nodded. “Yes, I understand that.”

     “Alright.” Bo clapped Lukas on the back. “Congratulations, son. Well done.”

     “Thanks, Dad.” Lukas beamed. Bo smiled back at him and Lukas realized he couldn’t remember the last time he saw his dad smile. “Dad! Oh my god,” he laughed at the odd sight of it. Bo chuckled as he walked out of the barn. 

     Lukas punched the air and shouted in celebration. 

_      This is it. _

_      I got a sponsor. _

     A text lit up his phone screen and Lukas glanced at it. It was Philip. Lukas ignored it and crouched back down to inspect his bike. 

_      I can’t believe this is happening. _

_      No more Philip. _

_      No more murders. _

_      No more Helen up my ass. _

_      Just me, my bike, and a fuck ton of trophies. _


	22. Episode Six: part two

**Awkward Family Dinners**

“I don’t understand why we have to have dinner with them,” Lukas said. He picked at the crumbs stuck in the cup holders of the truck as Bo drove to Helen and Gabe’s house.

_First you don’t want me to be around Philip at all and now you’re making fucking dinner plans with him?_

     “Helen and Gabe invited us so we can get a real apology out of their kid,” Bo said firmly. “Well, I guess he’s not really their kid.”

     Lukas rolled his eyes. They pulled up to the property and immediately Lukas spotted Philip sitting at a table they’d set up outside. He took in a deep breath then stepped out of the car.

     “Hi, thanks for coming,” Helen greeted them. Gabe reached out to shake Bo’s hand but Bo didn’t take it. “We’re all ready to eat, hope you two are hungry.”

     Neither Lukas nor Bo responded. Gabe dropped his hand.

     “Alright,” he said slowly. “Follow us, then.”

     Without trying to, Lukas got the seat directly across from Philip. He could feel Philip staring at him but Lukas ducked his head and refused to make eye contact. Silence washes over everyone as dishes filled with sweet corn and grilled chicken were passed around the table.

_This is fucking dumb._

_We shouldn’t even be here._

     “So, Lukas,” Gabe said, his voice straining against the awkwardness of the situation. “Are you thinking about college?”

     Lukas stopped pushing the food around his plate. “What?”

     “I was just wondering if you were gonna go to school or right into the circuit.”

     Next to him, Bo sighed loudly. “Can we do this? Can we just--can we do this?”

     “Yes, all right.” Helen said. She looked over at Philip. “Philip?”

     Lukas hesitantly lifted his gaze to meet Philip’s. Philip stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork.

     “I’m sorry, Lukas.” He said flatly. The eye contact made Lukas squirm so he avoided it by taking a sip of his drink. “For making up the story that you saw the murders and had the gun.”

     “Do you accept the apology, Lukas?” Bo asked.

_A forced half assed apology?_

_He should’ve been there to help me when I needed him._

_He shouldn’t have told Helen about the gun._

_A forced half ass apology doesn’t un-fuck everything._

     Knowing it was all he was going to get, he mumbled, “Yeah, sure.”

     “Okay, and from now on we’re gonna need Philip to keep his distance from Lukas.” Bo folded his arms tightly across his chest.

     Helen set down her fork and knife, making them clink when they hit the plate. “We agreed that an apology would be enough.

     “Well, it’s not.” Bo said. Lukas looked down at the table cloth, wanting nothing more than to leave. “From the start, Philip’s been a bad influence.”

     Lukas leaned towards his dad. “May I be excused?”

     “No.”

     “I have that party.”

     “Let’s not go making false accusations here,” Gabe said.

     “No, no, your boy’s made enough of those.” Bo retorted.

     Gabe pressed his lips together. “Lukas, are you absolutely certain you’ve been entirely truthful with Helen?”

     Lukas’s eyes couldn’t decide whether to stay on Gabe or Philip or the tablecloth.

_Philip’s done all this shit to fuck up my life and everyone thinks a shitty apology will make up for it?_

_He could’ve cost me a sponsorship or-or anyone could’ve found out about what we did in the cabin._

_And-and what? He just has to apologize?_

_No._

_That’s not enough._

_If Gabe and Helen won’t punish him for lying maybe they’ll punish him for something else._  

     “No.” Lukas said finally. This was his chance to bring Philip to justice for everything he’d done.

     “What, Lukas?” Helen asked. “What happened?”

     “Philip--” He took a breath then stared straight at Philip. He wanted to see the damage he was about to cause. If Philip hurt like he did, then maybe he’d start to feel a little better. “He made me steal from my dad to buy drugs.”

     Philip’s face fell. Gabe shook his head in disbelief.

     “What?”

     “Yeah,” Lukas said. Now that the lie was out in the open it almost felt like the truth. The other details came naturally. “He wanted me to take some with him, too, but I didn’t.”

     “Is that true, Philip?” Helen asked.

_It doesn’t matter what he says._

_He’s just a foster kid._

_His word means nothing against mine._

     “Yeah, sure.” Philip said. Lukas could see him shaking. “Whatever Lukas says.”

     The validation and solace Lukas was looking for didn’t find him. In fact, he felt worse after saying it, but there wasn’t anything he could do to take it back. He quickly got up from his seat and headed back to the car.

     “Well,” he heard his dad say. “I’m gonna let you two decide how to discipline Philip.”

  


**Rose’s Party**

The two beers Lukas drank did nothing to calm the chaotic clash of emotions inside him. Guilt had been dissolving his bones and crushing his lungs since he left the dinner at Philip’s, but he was too stubborn to admit it. Instead, he opened another beer.

     “I saw the new video on your channel,” the blonde haired random Lukas was talking to said. “It’s pretty sick.”

     The beer spilled over onto the porch as soon as Lukas popped the lid. He didn’t think much of it.

     “Thanks, man.” Lukas replied, still trying to control his beer. “I, uh,--”

     “Lukas!”

_You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me._

_Not here._

     Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Philip stumbling up the porch steps and over to Rose. He was clutching a bottle of alcohol in one hand and reached for Lukas with the other.

     Lukas left the blonde kid and his beer over in the corner and came at Philip in full force. “Get out of here,” he growled, shoving Philip aside. He quickly took Rose’s hand. “Let’s go inside, baby.”

     They closed the door behind them but before they rejoined the group, Lukas peered through the window to see if Philip had actually left. Outside, kids shouted and threw their empty red Solo cups as Philip struggled to walk in a straight line down the yard. He eventually gave up and sunk to the ground behind a car someone had parked in the grass. Lukas’s chest constricted with guilt but he ignored it.

     “He’s not worth your time, babe.” Rose said, pulling Lukas away from the window. “Come on, let’s have fun.”

     Lukas followed Rose back over to where a group of kids were laughing and drinking in the living room. She naturally fit into their conversation but Lukas stayed off to the side, consumed in his thoughts.

_Is he still out there?_

_How the hell’s he gonna get home?_

_Did he drink that whole bottle himself?_

_Don’t people die when they drink that much?_

_He’ll be okay, though, won’t he?_

_He’s never gonna make it back to Helen and Gabe’s though._

_And Rose won’t let him sleep here with the others._

     He bit down on his lip as he tried to fight off the little voice telling him to do something. It was a short battle, one he eventually surrendered to. He put his hand on Rose’s back to get her attention then leaned into her ear.

     “My dad just texted me, I have to go.”

     Rose pouted. “You can’t stay just a little bit longer?”

     “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Lukas kissed her briefly then headed back towards the front door. Philip was still behind the car, but he was lying flat on the ground instead of sitting up. The bottle, now empty, was a foot from his head.

     “Hey,” Lukas said, nudging Philip’s leg with his foot. “Come on, we’re gonna get out of here.”

     Philip moaned in response but didn’t move. Lukas grabbed one of his arms and pulled him up so he was standing.

     “Wake up or you’re gonna fall off the back of my bike.” Lukas wrestled a helmet onto Philip’s bobblehead, made sure he was holding onto something at least, then drove as carefully as he could.

     The drive was muscle memory and they arrived before Lukas could really have a say in it. The mud felt familiar beneath his tires as he pulled up. He almost wanted to apologize to it for being gone for so long. All the police tape and barriers were taken down and cleaned up a few weeks ago, but this was the first time he’d been back.The only thing that looked different on the outside was that it was riddled with bullet holes.

     “The cabin…” Philip whispered, his eyes half closed as he slouched against Lukas.  

     “I didn’t know where else to go,” Lukas murmured.

     For a moment, they stayed on the bike. Lukas had an urge to drive them back to Rose’s. Mosquitoes buzzed in his ear and the woods around them sounded unfriendly with the breeze.

_We can’t sleep outside._

_Dad’s home so we can’t go back there._

_Helen and Gabe are probably on a man hunt for Philip right now, I can’t take him back drunk off his ass._

_Maybe they cleaned up the inside too._

     He took in a deep breath then mounted his bike. With one arm keeping Philip upright, the two of them slowly made their way into the cabin.

     The inside was just as cleaned up as the outside. It seemed exactly as it had before the shootings, if not more put together. The bed by the window was made, with throw pillows too, the table was cleared of FBI evidence bags, and the blood was bleached out of the floor and walls. A shiver crawled up Lukas’s spine. It felt like he walked into a doll house. He was just waiting for a giant hand to come in and mess everything up.

_Or a man with a gun._

     Philip fell onto the bed and was asleep before his head hit the pillows. Lukas sat at the table and studied him. He’d never seen anyone, including his dad, as drunk as Philip was.

_Did he drink this much because of me?_

_Is this the kind of drunk where he can choke on his own vomit and die?_

     Just to be safe, Lukas got up and adjusted Philip so he was lying on his side. When he sunk back into the wooden chair, he couldn’t help but think back to all the other times they’d come to the cabin together. How easy it all was, and the good kind of pit in his stomach that he’d get whenever they accidentally brushed hands while passing a beer. The cabin was their safe place.

_Was._

     Even now that it was purged of any evidence of the murders, it’d never be the same place it was to them before.

_Will we ever be like before?_

_Can we come back from all this shit or are we already past the point of no return?_

     He pulled out his phone to check the time but got distracted by the text from Philip he never opened. He’d sent a video. It took Lukas a minute to find the courage to press play.

     The video wasn’t a cinematic masterpiece, nothing that’d be critically acclaimed or show up in indie film fests. It was simply a series of outtakes Philip must’ve shot while taking videos for the channel, but that was more than enough for Lukas.

_I fucked up real bad._

     When the video ended, he played it again. Then again, and another time after that. He wanted to jump inside the screen and re-live those little moments with Philip as many times as he could. He knew as soon as he stopped watching, he’d be plunged back into the present where things were too twisted and complicated, and everything was probably beyond fixing. As long as he kept watching the video he could pretend he was that version of himself, not the pathetic one that sat in the chair, and he was still with that version of Philip, not the one that drank himself into a stupor.

_What would it take for us to go back to this?_

     On the bed, Philip lurched in his sleep.

_Fuck, he’s gonna throw up._

     Lukas rushed to get the tin bucket inside the tiny closet. He barely got it next to Philip’s mouth before he vomited. Lukas pushed Philip’s hair back and tried to keep from thinking about all the stories he’d read where frat kids die after drinking so much. Philip’s eyes were still closed, his breathing was hard and irregular, cut off by surges of puke.

     To keep him from choking, Lukas climbed onto the bed and sat behind him so Philip could sit up too and lean against Lukas’s chest. Sweat beaded on Philip’s forehead and a tear rolled down his cheek. Lukas used his thumb to wipe it away. The tin bucket balanced precariously on top of Philip’s thighs. His own stomach churned at the sour smell of it all, but Lukas focused on keeping Philip’s limb body upright.

     “I’m sorry,” he whispered, despite knowing Philip wouldn’t remember it. “I’m really fucking sorry.”

     Philip’s breathing slowed and sounded more normal after a while, but Lukas still wasn’t convinced he was okay, so he continued to sit with him for the rest of the night. Sometimes his fingers would comb through Philip’s hair, or stroke his cheek, or run across his eyelashes, just so he could keep himself awake.  

     It didn’t seem long until the sun started to peek over the horizon and into the cabin. Philip’s eyes fluttered a few times but never fully opened. Lukas carefully laid him back down away from the puke bucket, then brought him back some water from the sink.

     “Hey,” he said softly, trying to hand him the coffee mug full of water. “Drink this.”

     Philip’s chest swelled with a deep breath. He opened his eyes only half way. He tried to take the cup but his limbs were still too flooded with alcohol to work properly. Lukas held it to his lips instead.

     “Drink.” He repeated.

     Most of the water dribbled down Philip’s chin and soaked into the blanket.

     “Come on, we have to go back,” Lukas said, pulling Philip up. “You gotta help me here, dude.”

     Philip took a couple clumsy steps towards the door as Lukas held him up. The drive to Helen and Gabe’s was much like the one to the cabin a few hours prior: incredibly slow and Lukas constantly fretting that Philip would fall over every time he drove over a decent sized rock. He parked the bike at the edge of Helen and Gabe’s property, hoping the sound of his engine wouldn’t wake them from that far away. The only problem was trying to get Philip up to the house.

     “Did we fly here?” Philip slurred as Lukas struggled to get him just to the front porch.

_Jesus Christ._

     Lukas set him down gently on the steps, hovering only a few inches over Philip as he did.

     “I’m sorry, Philip,” he said, hoping the chance of him hearing was greater this time. “I-I didn’t mean any of it.” He brushed back part of Philip’s hair then ran back to his bike. He revved the engine as loudly as he could.

_Come on, come out and find him._

_Make sure he’s okay._

     He waited long enough to see the front door open just a hair before heading back home.

 

**The Choice**

When Lukas got home from dropping Philip off, he threw himself onto his bed and finally let sleep take him. He only got in an hour or two before Bo woke him by shaking his shoulder.

     “Wake up, kid,” he said.

     Lukas groaned.

     “The representative from Trevy Tools will be here soon, so you need to get up and look decent before he gets here.”

     This woke Lukas up.

     “Today?” He said incredulously, throwing the blankets off him.

     Bo nodded, clapped Lukas on the back, then headed back downstairs.

     Lukas was in the middle of trying to wash the scent of throw up and sweat off him in the bathroom sink when he heard the doorbell ring. He rushed to pull a new shirt and fought his hardest not to fly down the stairs.

     “So this is the famous Lukas,” the man said, holding out his hand. “We’re very excited to sponsor you in the junior circuit. All we have to do is get a couple papers signed.”

     “I can’t wait!” Lukas beamed.

_This is it._

_It’s happening._

     Bo lead them all to the table and the representative pulled out papers, handing some to Lukas and some to Bo.

     “Take your time, read them over.”

     All the excitement made it hard for Lukas to read the page. He skimmed it, but didn’t actually retain anything. He figured his dad could work out any kinks.

     “So, they will supply the bikes, the gear, and the maintenance. Even the entrance fees,” Bo said. Pride tugged at Lukas’s mouth, making him smile so widely it hurt.

_This is what the pros get with their sponsorships._

_This is as legit as it gets._

     “Oh, cool, really?”

     “But you’ve gotta stay focused and keep your grades up,” Bo said sternly.

     Lukas nodded. “Yeah, I’m totally there.”

     “It’s more than just grades, though,” the representative interjected. “Image is everything. You have to keep clean, stay out of trouble, hang with the right crowd.”

_Check, check, and check._

_I can’t believe this is actually happening._

     “Oh, no, he does,” Bo boasted. “He’s got a great group of friends here. There’s just one bad one but he’s gone.”

_Gone?_

_Is he talking about Philip?_

     All the excitement drained out of Lukas’s body and was replaced with a cold feeling he couldn’t quite place.

     “What do you mean, Dad?”

     “Oh, Helen and Gabe are taking Philip back to social services or somewhere.” He shot Lukas a look that said “we’re not talking about this right now”.

_Taking him back?_

_Like giving him away?_

_He can’t leave._

_They can’t do that._

_They said they’d take care of him, they can’t just return him like a shirt that didn’t fit._

_Can they?_

     “Well,” the representative smiled. “That’s all great to hear because we want to build our regional campaign around Lukas winning the junior circuit. What do you say?”

_He’s getting kicked out and it’s all my fault._

_He’s gonna get put somewhere awful._

_Have they already left?_

_Is it too late?_

_I can go right after I sign these papers._

_If they could just wait--_

     Lukas slid his phone out and kept it hidden from view under the table. He pulled up the video Philip sent days ago.

_I can’t lose him._

_Not like this._

     He looked up at his dad, the representative, and the promise of a future in the circuit.

_He’ll leave thinking I’m an asshole._

_He’ll think I hate him._

_I can get another sponsor but if Philip leaves--_

_No._

_He’s not going to._

_I won’t let it._

     Lukas stood up so quickly his chair rattled.

     “Lukas?”  

     “I’m sorry.” He mumbled then ran out of the house to the barn where he’d hidden the gun.

_They’re taking him away because of me._

_Because Helen and Gabe think he’s a liar._

_Because I told them he was._

_God, why do I fuck everything up?_

     He tucked the gun in his waistband then raced his bike to Helen and Gabe’s.

_Please don’t be gone._

_Please don’t be too late._

     Lukas pulled up onto the property just as Helen was about to get into the car.

_Thank god._

     He yanked off his helmet. “Philip wasn’t lying.” He said as Helen walked over to him. “I was there, in the cabin.” He pulled the gun from his waistband and handed it to her.

_Please let this be enough._

_Don’t take him away._

     He searched Helen’s face for any signs that might indicate she wasn’t going to kick out Philip, but all she looked was speechless. She glanced at Gabe who was sitting in the driver’s seat and Lukas slowly let his gaze meet Philip’s.

_I’m sorry._

_I don’t know what else to do._

     Philip turned away. Lukas bit down on his lip and brought his attention back to Helen.

     “Gabe, I-” Helen blinked, at a loss of words. “I have to take this to the station.”

     Gabe twisted in his seat to speak to Philip. Lukas desperately wanted to know what they were saying. After their short exchange, Philip got out of the car.

     “I’ll drive you,” Gabe said to Helen.

     She nodded then returned to Lukas. “Thank you. Would you mind waiting until I get back? I think we need to talk again.”

     Lukas nodded barely. At the time, he didn’t realize that giving up the gun meant subjecting himself to more questioning. Lukas watched as Philip walked up to the house. Instead of going inside, he lingered on the porch.

_That’s good, right?_

_If he didn’t want to talk to me he would’ve gone inside._

     Gabe nodded once at Lukas then drove off with Helen.

_Does that mean I did it?_

_Does that mean Philip can stay?_

     He looked over at Philip standing on the porch. He took a few steps towards him, carefully as if Philip would be scared into the house if Lukas moved too fast.

_If he goes inside then it’s over._

_At least he’ll still be with Helen and Gabe._

     Philip didn’t move so Lukas kept walking. Once he reached the first step, he didn’t try to go any further. Philip’s stare made Lukas squirm but he didn’t break eye contact.

     “I don’t know if you remember last night, or if you heard me earlier, but, uh, I’m-I’m sorry.” He said. He waited a minute to see if Philip was going to respond. He didn’t. “I mean it,” Lukas added. “For everything.”

     Philip said nothing. His lips parted just long enough for him to take another breath, then he pressed them together and went inside. Lukas’s shoulders slumped.

_Fuck._

     He sat down on the step and waited for Helen. He kept hoping the front door would open and Philip would come back outside, but he didn’t.


	23. Episode Seven: part one

  **Headaches and Stomach Aches**

“Why do we have to do this here?” Lukas asked, stifling a yawn as he and Helen walked up to the cabin. He felt some level of nerves at the thought of another interrogation but it wasn’t enough to make him jittery. Lukas mostly just wanted to get it over with so he could finally get some decent sleep.

     “Sometimes being in the same location can help jog a suppressed memory,” Helen explained.

_Shit, I hope I cleaned up enough so it looks the same to her._

_I hid the puke bucket, didn’t I?_

     Helen eyed the poorly made bed when they stepped into the cabin, but she didn’t say anything about it. She sat down at the tiny round table in the corner and motioned for Lukas to join her.

     “I’m gonna tape you so you can just ramble,” she said, setting a recorder on the table. “Anything you can think of. Even the smallest detail can trigger a memory.”

     Lack of sleep had made Lukas’s brain fuzzy. All the small details were too smudged for him to remember, so he just told her the outline.

     “There was this guy and he was shooting all these other guys.”

     “What were you doing before they showed up?”

     Lukas pretended not to hear the question.

     “What?”

     “Can you tell me exactly what you were doing in here?”

_Just tell her you stole some gas._

_She doesn’t know anything, it’ll be fine._

     He still couldn’t help but glance over at the bed. Despite the foggy brain, that part of the night was clear in Lukas’s mind: the feel of Philip’s soft lips against his, the goosebumps on his skin, the way his body ached with the need to feel more of Philip. Now, his chest hurt with the dull pain of missing it all and knowing he probably won’t ever get Philip back.

_He went inside._

_He doesn’t want to talk to me._

_I fucked up too badly._

     “What happened there?”

     Helen’s voice snapped Lukas out of his haze. He sat up straighter and looked down at his hands.

     “Nothing.”

     “But you’re remembering something.”

     “No,” Lukas insisted. “All I did was steal some gas like I said.”

     Helen nods. “Okay, and then what happened?”

     She continued asking for specifics that Lukas couldn’t remember, and with each question he got more irritated. He squirmed in his seat, desperate to speed up the process so he could collapse onto his bed.

     “And you threw the gun in the water like Philip said?”

     “Yeah,” he sighed. “Can we go now?”

     “One minute. Can you describe the shooter’s face?”

     Lukas thought about it. He tried to conjure the exact image of the murderer, but all he could see was a blank generic face shape.

_Maybe it’s just because I’m tired._

     “I don’t--I don’t know, maybe.”

     “Lukas, do you think he saw you?”

     The idea of that possibility made his muscles clench. He hadn’t thought much about the murders lately, his sponsorship had taken up most of his thoughts.

_No._

_It’s fine._

_If he saw me, he would’ve killed me by now._

_I didn’t kill him, though, maybe he got a glance before I left._

_Maybe I’m just a face blob to him now too._

     “I’m not sure, why?”

     Helen dodged his question. “Did they talk to each other?”

     “They were all kinda yelling.”

     “What about?”

     “I can’t remember.”

     She probed him for more, more details, more specifics, more memories Lukas no longer had.

     “No!” Lukas said, exasperated. “That’s all I remember, okay?” He rubbed his temples. A persistent headache was beginning to form in the front of his brain.

     “Do you think you’d know his face if you saw the killer again? If I showed you a lineup?”

_Jesus, fuck, woman._

_I just want to go to bed._

     Lukas shrugged. “Are we done now?”

     “We can be done for now, yes,” Helen sighed.

     “I’ll be in the car,” he muttered, already halfway out the door.

     On the way out, his phone buzzed twice. Lukas answered it before it could ring a third time.

     “Hey,” he said timidly.

     Philip’s voice was tiny on the other end of the call. “Hi.”

     A million unsaid questions hung in the silence that fostered between them.

_Did he forgive me?_

_Are we okay now?_

_Can we go back to how it was?_

_What would it mean if we did?_

     After a moment, Philip spoke again.

     “Are you back from the thing with Helen yet?”

     “Almost.”

     Through the windows of the cabin, Lukas watched Helen pace back and forth as she talked into her recorder. Philip cleared his throat.

    “Can we, uh, can we meet up somewhere?”

    “Yeah,” Lukas said too quickly. He winced at his over-eagerness. “Yeah, uh, you can come over if you want. Meet me by the old barn.”

     “Okay.”

     With a small beep, the line went dead just as Helen walked out of the cabin. Lukas didn’t talk the entire ride home, and Helen didn’t press him to, but she noticed he was suddenly thrumming with excitement. Lukas tried to calm his bouncing knee every time he felt her glancing over, but it was useless. The idea of things with Philip finally being good again was too promising.

     The moment Helen pulled up to the property Lukas jumped out of the car, hardly bothering with a wave goodbye, before running to where his bike was parked. Their old barn was in the far back corner of the property. Over the years, it’d been reduced to just the bones of its foundation and Lukas usually avoided it due to the frail nature of it. Sometimes it seemed like just the exhaust from Lukas’s bike would be enough to send the barn crumbling to the ground, so he made sure to park his bike at least a hundred feet away from it.

     Waiting for Philip to show was agonizing. For the first couple of minutes, Lukas tried sitting in the grass but he was still too high strung on hope to sit still. Instead, he walked a couple feet in one direction then bent down and pulled up a handful of grass, then walked back the other way until all the grass had filtered through his fingers. He continued this cycle until he heard the thud of Philip’s bike falling onto the ground.

     Philip walked slowly over to Lukas, but his blank facial expression didn’t let Lukas know what he was thinking.

     “What happened with Helen?” He asked, his voice flat.

_That can’t be all he wants to talk about._

_He could’ve asked about that while we were on the phone._

     “I don’t want to talk about any of that shit right now.”

_I want to talk about us._

_I want to talk about what happened and how to fix it._

_We have to fix it._

     Philip said nothing, but he didn’t drop his gaze either. Every inch of Lukas was burning with the need to reach out and touch him. He needed to feel him again, even if it was just a fleeting moment of his thumb across Philip’s cheek. Lukas had been starved of it for too long and knowing it was his fault made it worse. He wanted Philip to know that he was still capable of soft touches. He wanted to kiss away all the hurt he’d caused and promise it won’t happen again, because _this,_ this awful unknowing in between is torturous, but the violent, consuming hatred, of the past few weeks was unbearable. Whoever that Lukas was, wasn’t him, and Philip needed to know that.

     Without thinking, he pulled Philip into a tight hug and buried his face into Philip’s shoulder.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so fucking sorry._

     He could feel the tension in Philip’s muscles dissipate as he hugged Lukas back. Lukas squeezed him tighter.

_I can’t believe I almost lost you._

     When they finally let go, they walked over to a shaded area beneath a tree. Philip’s hand brushed against Lukas’s as they walked. Lukas wondered if it was a coincidence.

     Once they sat down, the nervous energy returned and Lukas picked up a nearby stick to fiddle with.

      “I’m sorry I said that stuff about you,” he said, jabbing the stick into the ground. “My dad said I wouldn’t get a sponsor unless I stayed away from you.”

_And it was easier to stay away from you if you hated me._

      “So then why did you bring the gun to Helen?”

     Lukas knew he was really asking why he chose him and why now. The answer was so simple Lukas was surprised Philip didn’t already know. He dropped the stick and looked over at him. Philip’s long lashes were tangled, dark circles rimmed his eyes, his lips were slightly chapped, and some of his curls stuck out at odd angles, but he was still the most beautiful boy Lukas had ever seen. He’d give up every sponsorship in the world if it meant Philip would stay. If it meant Lukas could look at him for a couple seconds longer.

     “Because they were going to take you away.”

     Lukas ducked his head, then suddenly Philip’s hand was on his neck and he was kissing him with the same fervor he had that fateful night in the cabin. It was the first sip of ice water after mowing the lawn in the middle of august, it was finally remembering the thing that sat on the tip of your tongue and tormented you the whole day, it was coming home after being trapped in an airport with layovers and cancellations. It was kissing Philip until his lungs caught fire.

     Lukas fought to catch his breath as he leaned his forehead against Philip’s.

     “My dad’s gonna destroy me,” he sighed once he regained his composure. “Helen told him I was there at the cabin.”

     Philip’s hands fell away and he sat up straighter. “But he doesn’t know that I was there. I thought that was all that mattered to you.”

_All of it matters._

_He’s gonna be pissed I lied._

_He’s gonna be pissed if he finds out we were there together._

     “Yeah, I guess.” Lukas reached out and started toying with Philip’s thin fingers. “But everything matters to my dad.”

     “So what are you gonna do?”

     Lukas hadn’t thought about it. Getting Philip to stay was the only thing he’d focused on for the past two days. What it meant in regards to his dad finding out the truth hadn’t fully occurred to him. He groaned, leaning back against the tree trunk.

     “I don’t know. I guess I gotta face him sometime. You going back to Helen and Gabe’s?”

     Philip looked down at the grass. “I dunno. I mean when I packed up my stuff to leave, they didn’t try to stop me or anything so…”

_But I did._

_I want you here._

     “Yeah, Helen sucks,” Lukas said lightly. “But Gabe...Gabe likes you, right?”

     Philip shrugged and Lukas squeezed one of his fingers.

     “I guess,” Philip mumbled. “Maybe he does.”

     “You think they took you in for the money?”

     “I’m not sure why they took me in, but I just… I don’t want to go back there anymore.”

     The realization that Lukas might not have done enough to keep Philip in Tivoli felt like being hit in the gut by a baseball bat.

_You have to stay._

_I need you here._

     “You better not leave Tivoli,” Lukas said more fiercely than he’d intended.

     Philip’s face softened and he looked up at Lukas with big playful eyes.

     “Does your stomach hurt?”

     Lukas laughed at how irrelevant the question was. “Why?”

     “Well, you know,” Philip teased. “That’s how you know that you’re in love.”

     “Oh, is it?”

     “Mhmm,” Philip hummed, smiling.

     Lukas shook his head. A wide smile spread across his face.

     “Nope, don’t feel a thing.”

     Philip jabbed him in the side, laughing as Lukas tried to swat him away.

     “You do now, right?”

     “Come here,” Lukas chuckled, grabbing Philip’s face and pulling him in closer. “I mean it,” he whispered between quick kisses. “I need you. Here, in Tivoli.”

     “I guess I can consider it,” Philip grinned.

     Lukas rolled his eyes. “Asshole,” he muttered as he pressed his lips to Philip’s cheek before stretching out on the grass. He patted the spot next to him until Philip joined him. Lukas put one arm under his head and took Philip’s hand with the other, lacing their fingers together.

     He didn’t realize they’d spent the rest of the day lying in the grass until the sun suddenly disappeared. The hours felt like seconds, next to Philip.

     One second was spent in silence with their eyes closed just enjoying the feel of the warm sun on their face.

     Two seconds were spent kissing.

     Throwing grass at each other took up one second.

     Another second passed as they listened to Philip’s different playlists.

     Their phones buzzed with missed calls and texts, their stomachs growled, and their eyelids drooped with tiredness, but it was all just background noise. None of it was enough to make them want to leave just yet.

     Three seconds went by discussing four-stroke engines, Darth Maul, and whether or not Lukas would go back to the gay club in the city with Philip.

     He would.

     The last second mirrored the first second, watching the sunset, with Philip’s head on Lukas’s chest and their legs intertwined. 

     “Helen’s going to send out an Amber Alert if I don’t go back soon,” Philip whispered after the sun had already ducked below the treeline.

     “Let her.” Lukas mumbled back, but he knew they’d procrastinated all they could and with the sun fading they couldn’t deny it any longer. 


	24. Episode Seven: part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I can't apologize enough for making you all wait so long in between updates. I haven't forgotten about this and I swear I will finish it. However, in my absence, I've been working on some other cool things. One of those being a new version of Titanic with wlw and a happy ending. I'm thinking about putting it somewhere online (idk if it counts as fanfic), so let me know if you'd be interested in reading. Thanks for sticking with me through all the hiatus-es!! I'm sorry this one isn't as good, but I wanted to get an update out for you.

**A Real Savage**

He watched Philip leave on his bike until he couldn’t see him anymore. It took a couple more minutes before Lukas gathered enough courage to walk into the house. He was hoping it was late enough that his dad had gone to bed, but Lukas could see the faint glow of the kitchen light and the outline of his dad leaned against the counter.

     “Hey, dad.” He said quietly, cautiously walking closer. A near empty whiskey bottle was sitting on the counter next to a plastic wrapped dinner.

     “Heat up your dinner,” Bo grumbled. “It only needs a minute.”

     Lukas slowly unwrapped the plate and set it in the microwave. “I wanted to tell you, I really did,” he said with his back still to his dad. “I didn’t want to lie. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it would just go away.”

     When he turned back around to face Bo, he could tell Bo wasn’t as drunk as Lukas had feared, but he also knew it didn’t take more than a sip to turn Bo violent.

     In two strong strides, Bo was inches away from Lukas, towering over him. Lukas flinched instinctively as the microwave behind him beeped three times.

     “Don’t lie to me again, boy,” Bo grunted, jabbing Lukas in the chest. He stumbled backwards then slowly made his way upstairs. The microwave beeped again but Lukas had lost his appetite.

     Although he’d been awake for what seemed to be as long as he could remember, Lukas still had trouble finding sleep. It was an itch he couldn’t quite scratch, no matter how much he strained, no matter how much he tossed and turned.

     He rolled over, screamed into his pillow, then reached for his phone. To some miracle, Philip picked up on the third ring.

     “What are you still doing up?”

     “I wanted to make sure a coyote didn’t eat you on your way home,” Lukas said. He could almost hear Philip’s goofy smile through the phone.

     “No coyote, but I did fight off a bear.”

     “I’m going to break up with Rose.” Lukas said suddenly, surprising even himself. He’d thought about it, almost excruciatingly so, but he didn’t expect the words to betray him like that. Now they were out there, making it a real thing, something Lukas would have to follow through with, and while he knew it was for the best, he was finding it incredibly difficult to accept it.

     “Really?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Wow.

     Lukas fiddled with the corner of the sheet. “She’s not really my type.”

    Philip laughed and the tension pulling on Lukas’s muscles disappeared.

     “Yeah?” He asked. “And what is your type?”

     “A real savage.” Lukas then added, “so not you either, I guess.”

     “Ouch, okay, bye then.”

     “No, wait! I--I was joking.”

     “I know,” Philip said softly.

     “Do you, uh, wanna hang tomorrow?”

     “Yeah, I can come over after school.”

     “No, um, I think we should go somewhere else.”

     “Okay. We’ll figure something out.”

     “Okay.”

     “Goodnight.”

     “Goodnight.”

     Lukas set his phone back on the bedside table and looked up at the ceiling.

_I’m gonna break up with Rose._

_I’m gonna break up with Rose._

_It’s gonna be fine._

_I’m gonna to break up with Rose._

  


**The Break-Up**

When Lukas’s alarm went off at six in the morning, he was already awake.

_I’m gonna break up with Rose._

_I’m gonna do it._

_It’s gonna be fine._

     He sniffed the shirt he was wearing then grimaced.

_God damn, when was the last time I showered?_

     In the bathroom mirror, Lukas didn’t recognize himself. His eyes were sinking into dark circles, the grease in his hair made it stick up in abnormal ways, and his skin was pulled so tightly over his cheekbones he thought they might break through.

_Fuck._

_I really gotta shower._

     “Lukas!” His dad shouted from downstairs. “Lukas!”

     “Just a second!” He yelled back, opting out of a shower in favor of a clean shirt and loads of deodorant.

     When he got to the kitchen, Bo was folding over a sack lunch. Lukas watched him wearily. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken a sack lunch, especially one made by his dad, to school.

     “That’s how your mom always packed your lunch, right?” Bo asked, handing it to him.

_He just feels guilty about last night._

     “No,” Lukas said shortly, still taking the lunch. “But thanks.” He turned to leave but Bo stopped him.

     “Lukas. I know you’re confused and scared, and I would be too. Hell, I wasn’t even there and all this gang-related violence is keeping me up.”

     Lukas held back an eye roll as Bo continued.

     “Whatever you saw in the cabin that night, I know you’re trying to forget it--” Bo stopped when he realized Lukas’s attention had shifted to the newspaper on the table. “What, do you recognize this guy?” He pointed to the picture of a bearded man with the caption “Drug Kingpin Killed in Gang Dispute” beneath it.

     “Uh, I don’t know,” Lukas mumbled. He studied the picture some more.

_Didn’t the killer have a beard?_

     The memories were too fuzzy for him to recall.

     “Maybe,” he sighed. “I can’t remember.”

     Bo grabbed the newspaper. Lukas could see the hope in his eyes. “Well, is this the guy you saw at the cabin?”

     Lukas nodded feebly. “Well, he does kinda look familiar.”

     “That’s good,” Bo said. “This guy was killed last week, if this is the guy you saw then this whole thing could be over.”

     Lukas let out a breath.

_Over?_

_Could it really be over?_

_Fuck, why can’t I remember him anymore?_

_It probably is him._

_How many kingpins can there be in Tivoli? Chances are, it’s him._

     Bo’s words repeated in Lukas’s head.

_This whole thing could be over._

     Lukas pushed the paper away. “I gotta go.”

     By the time he’d gotten to school, Lukas completely forgot about Rose. The image of the guy from the newspaper had taken over his thoughts. The more he tried to remember, the more he looked like the killer.

_Now I’m just fucking it all up._

_What if it’s not him?_

_What if the killer is still out there?_

     A shiver ran down his back as he opened his locker.

     “Hey, babe!” Rose chirped, making Lukas jump.

     “Jesus, Rose!”

     Rose giggled. “Sorry, sorry. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

_Do it._

_Break up with her._

     “I’m fine,” Lukas squeaked. He cleared his throat. “Um, actually, I, uh, wanted to talk to you.”

     Rose nodded and looked up at him with big eyes.

_Shit._

_Come on._

     Lukas opened his mouth but nothing came out.

     “Is everything okay?” Rose put her hand on his shoulder and he shook it off.

_One, two, three._

     “I’m breaking up with you.”

     Rose blinked. “You’re… breaking up with me?”

     “I--I really gotta get to class, sorry.” Lukas pushed past her and briskly walked down the hallway.

     “Lukas!” Rose shouted. “Lukas, come back here!”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

_You know what? Fuck it, I don’t need to go to class._

     Lukas made a beeline for the exit. As soon as he got home, he threw himself on his bed, not caring whether Bo would yell at him for skipping, and for the first time in days, Lukas was able to sleep.

  


**The Barn**

It felt like an entire lifetime before Lukas was able to see Philip again, despite it being only a few hours from the time he woke up from his nap and the time he showed up at Helen and Gabe’s.

     As soon as they walked into the barn, Lukas grabbed Philip’s face and kissed him.

     “I did it,” he said between kisses. “I broke up with Rose.”

     They stumbled over hale bales until Lukas stopped kissing him long enough for them to find a spot to settle.

     “You swear you’re not lying?” Philip asked, breaking off another kiss.

     “Why would I lie?”

     Philip toyed with the neckline of Lukas’s shirt. “Because that’s all you do.”

     “I lie to everyone else, not to you.”

     “You swear?”

     Lukas laughed. “I swear, okay? I broke up with Rose.”

     “What’d she say?”

     “She said that she never liked me anyway.”

     Philip snorted and playfully swatted at Lukas. “Yeah, right.” He leaned over and started digging through his backpack, pulling out the polaroid Lukas had gotten him.

     Lukas smiled. “You got the film?”

     Philip held it up and aimed it at Lukas.

     “No, dude, no,” Lukas groaned, hiding his face with his hand.

     “Smile!”

     “No!”

     The button clicked. “Too late!” Philip said cheerfully. The polaroid spat out the picture.

     “Do I shake it or something?”

     “No, no, no, that’s how you ruin it.” Philip set the camera down and snuggled back into Lukas’s side. “You just gotta watch it develop for, like, thirty seconds.”

     “Thirty seconds? Alright, well… one, two, three, four--”

     “Shut up,” Philip grinned.

     Lukas looked at him and his heart swelled. He placed a kiss under Philip’s jaw.

     “Why did you do it?”

     Lukas sighed. He knew what Philip was asking. “Cause I don’t want a girlfriend.”

     Philip smiled a dopey smile that made Lukas feel like the luckiest person just to have witnessed it. Philip handed him an earbud.

     “What are we listening to?”

     “It’s a little surprise. I made us a playlist.”

     “Sweet.”

     Lukas kissed Philip’s hair as the music began to play. For a long while they sat against the hay bale and listened to Philip’s playlist. When it was through, they played it again until Lukas finally broke the silence.

     “My dad thinks the guy in the papers, the gang leader or whatever who got killed, is the guy from the cabin.” He said. It’d been weighing on him since the morning, but telling Philip didn’t ease the burden. “He says if it really is then it can all be over with.”

     Philip took out his earbud. “Do you think it’s him?”

     Lukas thought about it, really thought about it, then said, “No. I don’t think it is.”

     “You think he’s still out there.”

     “ _I think_ we should get on my bike right now and drive to California.”

     Philip smiled weakly.

     “No, I’m serious. I’ll be Rick Anderton and you’ll be Henry Smith--”

     “Henry Smith?”

     “I don’t know, I just pulled it out my ass, but that’s not the point. We can even go to shitty New Orleans like you wanted to.”

     “Lukas…”

     “If he’s still alive, we can’t stay here. We’re--we’re like sitting ducks just waiting to be found! I’d rather us be Rick Anderton and Henry Smith somewhere in sticky shitty new orleans sucking the heads off of crawfish than here where--where some asshole with a gun is looking for us.”

     Philip pushes back Lukas’s hair. “Don’t you think he would’ve found us by now?”

     Lukas sighed.

_I don’t know._

_Probably._

     “Your plan wouldn’t have worked anyway.” Philip said. “I don’t look anything like a Henry Smith.”

     Lukas laughed. “Oh, and I look like a Rick Anderton?”

     Philip pressed his lips to Lukas’s. “Yes, you do.”


End file.
